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Feeling lost and confused


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Hi,

21 years old here.

I took a mdma cap (or what I thought was MDMA) and snorted a Ritalin tablet (I’m prescribed for ADHD), and smoked weed in April of this year on the same night. Was fine during the night at the party. But I blacked out towards the end (was drinking), my friend said my behaviour was a bit erratic at the end.

Woke up the next morning and had purple and green haze vision waving vision, patterns in vision, words were moving everywhere on my screen and super sensitive to lights. Also was hullicinating for a few days and couldn’t sleep.

I have never had any problems with drugs before like this, and taken way higher doses and was completely fine for years before.

I was on Lithium and Topomax at the time so idk if that influenced what happened.

Fast forward things kind of got a bit better and it wasn’t as noticeable.

I then did a nitrous oxide canister a few weeks later lost feeling in the left side of my body. Then a few nights later it happened (last feeling in left side, facial droop black vision) but much worse and ended up in hospital unable to move my left side after what my parents thought was a seizure, it felt like a stroke but my CT was clear. I had an EEG done and it had left temporal intermittent slowing, and an MRI that had a hyper intensity in my medial temporal lobes.

Im just wondering if all of this is connected to the HPPD or if in the midst of it I developed Temporal Lobe epilepsy like my neurologist thinks from a hypoxic event (the nitrous oxide). I was having deja vu spells, zoning out, blurry vision, stomach rising and impending doom feelings along with other sensations which he attributed as partial seizures nearly every day before I started Lamictal. The last 7 months have been traumatic to say the least

When I started Lamictal for 'seizures', I think this has helped my vision problems A BIT as well but not a lot. It did stop the seizures/episodes.

Sorry this sounds crazy, just trying to set the scene for what has happened.

Fast forward to now my vision now is static like, I see floaters, light sensitivity, after images - almost like a light contrast above skylines etc. and can’t see at all in the dark due to static and halos around all light sources. And I have awful tinnitus/hearing reduction in my left ear .

Words still move on the screen, and it makes me anxious - but its not as bad as before. And sometimes I feel like the room is moving in and out or changing size, and wall edges look like they are moving? This is what stresses me out the most.

Obviously I know all of this isn’t happening and is just perception but it still makes me super anxious and it’s hard to calm down sometimes.

Anyways I have tried my best for the last 7 months to adapt with this whilst having some other medical issues. So it’s been tough.

But it’s flaring up a bit at the moment.

I haven’t done drugs since this happened - I stopped my stimulant medication (Ritalin) almost immediately after this all started because it exacerbated the visual effects. I have stopped drinking alcohol now about two weeks ago because it was making it worse. Before that I only had a couple of drinks when I did drink. I exercise every day and try to avoid unhealthy food. I see a psychologist every week and do EDMR/CBT therapy. I just don’t understand why things aren’t getting better. I am starting meditation and journaling.

I also wear blue light glasses, with prism full time now and have noticed it helps the static somewhat.

I feel so defeated. I have to start a intense degree at University again in a few months after deferring and the prospect of it scares me but I don’t want to let this ruin my life. I want to live and manage it as best I can if it’s going to be with me forever.

Any suggestions or help would be much appreciated - natural things or medications/lifestyle changes! 

How do you guys choose to ignore it and not focus on it?

Thanks so much.

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Hello, 

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles.  For me, meditation and maintaining a physically and mentally active lifestyle helped in my recovery.  Time is usually the best antidote for HPPD and doing everything you can to minimize anxiety.  For me there were dark days but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I will tell you the feeling of getting back to an acceptable level of normal is truly wonderful, you will experience this.  I tell everyone who is struggling with this disorder the same thing: Maximize your chances of recovery by placing your body in the best condition to do so.  

  1. Exercise as much as you can, even if your symptoms get worse. 

  2. Eat healthy and balanced meals. 

  3. Sleep as much as possible.

  4. Limit caffeine intake. 

  5. Stop all drugs including alcohol and especially weed (at least until things get better) 

  6. Try not worry, stay busy to distract your mind with things such as work/school or hobbies. 

  7. Learn to meditate and if you are open to it, ask God to help you.  You don't even have to believe in anything, I did not and it helped me. 

You will be okay, hang in there. 

Below you will find a meditation app that I like. 

https://apps.apple.com/us/app/headspace-meditation-sleep/id493145008

Take Care,

Nick 

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