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Help, these symptoms are so weird


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Hello.

I’ve been going through this forum thoroughly and I have to say that the general positivity and support people are expressing is amazing considering how painful this condition can be.

In my search I haven’t yet been able to find something like what my symptoms are so I will describe them here I case anyone experiences the same or have heard of similar ones in others.

The story of how it happened was as follows; had tried LSD once before approximately 2 years ago. Tried again 3.5 months ago after which this started. Both times the dosage was one tab. The last trip was pleasant without any strong visuals. Yet 13 hours after the trip I panicked badly when my friend had dropped me of at my place and I was alone. For the next two months I had intense anxiety with panic attacks daily. Now when the anxiety decreased in intensity, I have noticed that I don’t feel the same anymore. The reason for my initial panic attack must have been the strange feeling although I attributed it to other things at the time.

Nowadays it feels as if my brain is operating at 30% of what it used to. I cannot study as my vision turns blurry when I try to concentrate and gets stressed out by my sheer inability to do so. I can only describe it as being those feelings you feel when you trip. Sort of a blurry existence with me being partly absent. My thoughts are not going in a linear fashion but can jump much more or then at times it is just quiet in my brain (not in a pleasant meditation like way). This is hard to explain but normal consciousness to me kind of felt as if there is a bridge between the present, the past and the future. Yet now it feels as if this bridge is destroyed and I am somehow stuck in this present moment with a brain that is playing tricks on me. My existence feels hazy and it did have an element of derealization to it for a while but that is gone.

My mood can change by very large amounts. One moment it is going okay and then a thought might pop in such as “I don’t want to live anymore” and it freaks me out. Being around people I don’t know or being in a situation where I must be professional makes my vision blurry and I become so absent minded that it is painful. Prior to this all my activities where heavy on the intellectual side and because of this I cannot do most of them anymore which in many ways has sucked the value out of my life. Now that I again stay at my parents’ house I can sleep and be out in nature but if I go to the city its almost hard to find my way around as my mind goes so blank. Stores are the worst where there is artificial lighting. So, if I would have to live alone with this it would probably be unbearable. I don’t see how I could really function in society with this brain so what I am now hoping for is for it to get better as I don’t look forward to living at my parents’ house forever.

From research that I have done it seems as if HPPD most of the times have visual components all the time and I do have the blurred vision on and off. It is not visual snow but just blurred vision. I did an IQ test and it was the same, so I haven’t gotten dumber its just that my memory seems to have suffered or the connection between my memory and my consciousness have changed in some way. Again, this is so hard to explain as I don’t quite have the words to for it. It has all to do how existence feels to me now compared to before and not so much other sensory perceptions, which are the same. So can HPPD be like this? only feeling based?

I’ve been to a psychiatrist 3 times since this started and he diagnosed me with depression. I do not think it is pure depression but more of a depression in reaction to how much decrease in the quality of my life I have experienced. I have also been to 2 neurologist and one of them dismissed the idea of it being a result of LSD and the other sent me to EEG which will take place in two weeks.

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  • 5 months later...
  • 5 months later...

If you want to try and put a name to what those symptoms are, I think they sound most like brain fog and dpdr. Brain fog being what causes the "hard to focus/think" issue and dpdr being what causes the "still feel a bit trippy" thought patterns and feelings. 

I've always described my hppd as being locked in those last few hours of a strong trip.. Where you are 90% back to reality, all the enjoyment and insight of the trip is gone, but you still feel a bit trippy and messed up. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Please dont make an excuse out of your HPPD. Dont make depression something caused by HPPD. Its more likely HPPD caused by depression. 

I am sure if you work on your anxiety and wake up to your problems you will turn out fine. Go meet a psychatrist if he says you have depression believe him please :). 

There wont be a cure for HPPD. Because these visuals are objectively seen just visuals. The feelings and anxiety are the bad part. And it would be to easy to say these came just with HPPD. I am pretty sure there were there before (maybe unconsciously) and that you need to work on them. 

Drugs most likely just stronger your already excisting feelings and thoughts. Maybe it was to much for your brain to handle. Not maybe. It was to much. Now you need time to rehab. Take this time for self care. If you do so things will get better. 

 

Good luck!

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2 hours ago, Hindy112 said:

Please dont make an excuse out of your HPPD. Dont make depression something caused by HPPD. Its more likely HPPD caused by depression. 

Sorry, but this is just nonsense. I've had severe hppd for 26 years and beat depression after the first 3 years. HPPD is 100% not a side effect of depression. 

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2 hours ago, Jay1 said:

Sorry, but this is just nonsense. I've had severe hppd for 26 years and beat depression after the first 3 years. HPPD is 100% not a side effect of depression. 

Its most likely to co excist... but you could say if you have depression you shouldnt take drugs because you have a higher risk to have a bad experience leading to hppd or even worse... 

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Yes, they probably co-exist rather than either being a side effect of the other. Sadly SSRIs tend to make HPPD worse for most sufferers, so trying to treat them individually is sometimes not that straight forward. 

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