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Now I wouldn't know how to express the antonym for welcomeness, but I do know the foundations of introduction. It begins psychologically by establishing your own idiosyncrasies, and then further emotionally developing into a story, for therapeutic reasons, I hope, otherwise you'd be a pretty odd masochist, but which could either be a memory of pure ecstatic joy or dehabilitating pain and misery, or you could be one of those seldom individuals that writes the tiniest line in the world somewhere and never comes back. I hold good faith this is not because of the community.

I knew I could pull it off. Showing you who I am without talking about myself, I better not make a habit out of this. Alright.. sincerely this is starting to sound like a blog.

So here I am, on an internet forum, a community. My "one small step for man". I say this because I have suffered from severe anxiety since I was 10 years old, I'm 21 now and still suffer a little, but it's manageable. I am diagnosed with Asperger Syndrom and ADD, and I can feel like I have finally developed emotionally enough to be social somewhere. Somewhere to share my thoughts, somewhere to receive the emotional benefit of simply fitting in.

Though vicissitude inclined, in lieu of this pandering persona, I alternate volitionally in leniency to simply contemplate, solemnize this observable representation, this astute perspicaciousness. This virtual Hippocratic exurbia that is this forum. Ah, the play of facade concealed, phototaxiaclly avoidant of the gratuitous luminescence of cholecalciferol. Excuse my pleonastic prolixly tautological verbosity. I get carried away sometimes, I also feel like I'm a born teacher. Since I am autistic I never did play with any other children, so when I was about 2 years old, I started reading. Sometimes I feel omniscient, but that thought is beyond vanity to Narcissistic Personality Disorder I got when my mother abused me physically and verbally when I was young simply because she couldn't handle an autistic kid. I have recovered now though.

And oh! the HPPD: I have had severe visual snow for 6 years (2006. that is, for those who can't count and for future readers), it all began with me getting my diagnosis and everything went well, I was in a class specifically designed for people with Asperger Syndrom. But as with many autistics out there, I have no reactions to emotions. So my physician draw the conclusion that I was depressed, and therefore prescribed me with Fluoxetine (Prozac, SSRI). After four days of taking them continually, I got so severe visual snow I had to stop immediately, I was so scared because I had no idea what was happening. I also have depersonalisation, and I don't know if this is related to my HPPD, but I get a psychosis about every 3 month, it has been that way through my whole life. So it can't be the drugs, that's at least my humble hypothesis.

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This is still a huge step for me to start posting online, I have had so severe social phobia. You know there are advantages to being autistic, but there are also disadvantages (Well duh, that's why it's a diagnosis), My weaknesses, disadvantages or even disabilities as some lowly intellectual thralls called it, involves: I don't know when I say too much, I can't see the social rules behind the air in front of me. I can't react emotionally when someone tries to provoke me, but it still hurts inside. I can't focus at all on anything because of my ADD, except on things that excite me, like writing. But my kitchen is a disaster zone, ground zero, and I live in a group home. Though I have my own apartment, it's just called a group home because there is staff nearby if anything happens.

Then my advantages, capabilities, omniscience. Sorry if this sounds like boasting, but It's late and I'm hyper tweaked on Modafinil. I can read about 1500 words per second, I almost have an Eidetic memory. I consider myself to be very skilled at language, I'm from Sweden so I'm not even a native English speaker. Since I have been reading my entire life, I know almost everything about everything. A friend of mine took me out once just so I could get out, and do you know what all of his friends called me? Either "The Walking Encyclopedia" or "The Genius". That felt nice actually, being appreciated, that's what we're all searching for in life. I can explain why, in the perspectives of Cognition, Psychology, Psychiatry, Anthropology, Sociology, Neuropsychology, Pharmacology, Neurological, Biological, Evolutionary... I think I'm going to stop there.

How do I feel right now?

I've been awake for almost 70 hours on Modafinil, which actually feels great. But I worry about the comedown, I have enough pills to be awake 3 days again sometime. But then what? I wasted all my money on Benzodiazepines, and with my extreme tolerance I ate them all over a weekend. That's 400 MG of Clonazepam. I feel that I am too bored with things in general when I'm not on drugs. That's why I worry, I'll have a bad comedown, and then I'll be extremely bored for a month, unless I ask my family for money. Though I can't ask my uncle or my cousins, I insulted them and called them low intellectual blank genome templates that will never do anything significant in their entire lives. And why did I do that? Because I had just eaten about 20 Xanax. So that bridge is burned.

So you made it this far through the ramblings of a madman? Well, I have a joke I came up with, I was saving it for last. Positive reinforcement for reading my entire post.

I went to the doctor the other day, and said to him: "I am having a really hard time falling asleep", so the doctor asks him "Do you have any idea why that is?". The man replies: "Yeah, it's my neighbor, he plays loud music every night. So the doctor asks him: "But why are you here then? Isn't this something you should take up with your neighbor?", He replies "But you are my neighbor!"

Hope you liked my joke, also hope I didn't expose too much about myself. That's all about me, did I sell my soul to HPPDonline now?

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20 xanax at a time? Damn man, most i ever took was seven, (although i think i took 12 at a music fest once, but im not sure because they were smarties). You should taper down man, withdrawals are gonna be a bitch. And my cousin has asbergers, i feel ya. He has it worse than you do i think because he isnt quite as there and his mentality is more childish, but maybe thats because hes only 17.

And damn man, you kinda remind me of sheldon from the big bang theory, yeah i used to be very smart (i still am i guess, even if i dont feel it at the moment,) but early on down the road i realized that part of being smart is also being humble about it. Although many times on alot of xanax i also called people out on their idiocy so i feel ya there too.

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Thank you, I don't take benzodiazepines regularly, It's just that I've eaten them sporadically and unplanned for 5 years, and I ate about 500 pills a month, and that withdrawal was indeed a bitch, I got so bitchslapped I got a psychosis. But now I'm not dependent anymore, just tolerant.

And about your cousin, I was acting extremely childish until I was 19 years old, autistic people do have a tendency to have longer periods of growing up.

And yes, I must try and be more humble, It's just a little more difficult with Asperger.

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Yeah, i love him hes a great kid, hes actually gigantic for a 17 year old, but hes such a gentle soul. Hes starting to think about girls and stuff like that, so maybe he will grow up to have a semi normal life right?

And dudeee even if you take only one benzo a day and you develop tolerance, you WILL get shitty fuckin withdrawals regardless. And no fuckin way you took 16 pills a day for a month man whyyyy

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Im also diagnosed ADD, and Aspergers.

All those comments you made about social issues and innapropriate comments are me through and though! Although no social phobia, infact probably too little! Im forever striking up innapropriate conversations in our smoko room at work! Just the other day I had a moment when I turned to my boss and said "You know mate, you've been a real c*** this week" I straight away knew Id said something stupid. Oh well I was never gonna get in trouble.

Reading your post it blows me away, as I have very similar symptoms in alot of cases.

It sounds like your pretty into your benzo's!

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And no fuckin way you took 16 pills a day for a month man whyy

Actually I could take up to 200 pills a day, just over a weekend though. It's not life threatening, read up on LD50 on Wikipedia.

Still_here: Yes, I love Benzodiazepines, they make me hyperactive so I can clean the apartment and play games and stuff.

And yes, you seem to describe the common symptoms of autistic behavior.

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You make some really interesting posts pal.

Bridges do not always have to be burned. You can explain yourself and apologise. They may understand.

You should not take so many pills. Just because they don't kill you, it does not mean they are healthy. And can't you get seizures from withdrawing too quickly which can cause death? I don't know too much about benzodiazepines, and I've never taken any. It might be an area for me to research though - since they help our condition, it would be useful to understand the mechanisms involved in more detail.

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You make some really interesting posts pal.

Bridges do not always have to be burned. You can explain yourself and apologise. They may understand.

You should not take so many pills. Just because they don't kill you, it does not mean they are healthy. And can't you get seizures from withdrawing too quickly which can cause death? I don't know too much about benzodiazepines, and I've never taken any. It might be an area for me to research though - since they help our condition, it would be useful to understand the mechanisms involved in more detail.

I guess you are right about my cousins, but it's difficult you know.

About the Benzodiazepines, they don't affect your respiration much, this I have researched myself and heard from a doctor. And well, they're not unhealthy to eat really, most damage occurs when brain activity lowers due to Benzodiazepines affect on gammaaminobutyricacid (GABA). When GABA binds to its receptor, it stops the electrical signal from passing on from one neuron to another, this will, if taken continually for years on end, it could lead to cognitive dysfunction. But it will take decades and other factors before you die of a seizure.

Drugrelated deaths are always easily accessible in the media because when it happens, it gains a lot of attention due to international drug legislation, (international just for the sake of simplification). But if you haven't taken any, and don't know much about them, maybe you should research some. When I researched Benzodiazepines, I found that withdrawal was pure horrifying agonizing misery in hell, though they rarely kill you.

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Benzos and barbiturates sensitize the GABA receptor through ionic, voltage gated disturbance. Both classes work on the chloride/calcium ion channels. In doing so, they increase the amount of GABA released into the synapse, as well as increasing the sensitivity of the post synaptic cleft. GABA is the chief inhibitory transmitter and it is trough sensitization of GABA that benzos and barbs have efficacy at relieving anxiety and preventing seizures. It is true that benzos have a high LD50, however, I would advise anyone reading this thread that this is a case of extreme tolerance... It isn't a great idea to post how hard it is to die off of a drug! Even if it is true... I could see a teenager reading this and coming to the conclusion that he/she could raid moms medicine cabinet and swallow all the Xanax or whatever they could find. Keep in mind that, although death through respiratory depression is fairly uncommon... Asphyxiation is highly possible, in particular when combined with alcohol or any other drug for that matter. So please, anyone reading this, keep in mind that high doses of benzos CAN easily cause suffocation on ones own vomit!

And yes it is a lot easier to get seizures from WD than this thread is making it out to be. As far as your research into the lack of lethal WD, I have some terrifying anecdotal experience on the subject. If I had not been rushed to the hospital while I was having my seizure, I would not be writing this post right now... I wouldn't be alive right now. I was WDing from a large dose (60mg alprazolam/daily to maintain normal)... And had two seizures in the 15 minutes it took to get me to the ER. After getting out of the hospital, I checked myself into detox for both benzo and methadone WD (340mg methadone/day). The benzo WD lasted about a week and the next month I was going through the suicidal agony of opiate WD. In my experience, the benzo WD was not all that uncomfy... Nothing compared to acute opiate withdrawal. I would take the 7 days of Xanax withdrawal over 3 days of heroin WD any day! Not to mention a month of agony due to the methadone. What I am trying to say is, benzo and barbiturate withdrawal is very lethal. It doesn't take a decade to be at risk for seizure! All it took for me was about 2 years... And I am pretty sure it would only take a few weeks if you were using large amounts.

So just be careful man, especially if you run out of Xanax or if you try to detox at home. It will kill you. I don't expect you to believe me, but I just hope you don't have to learn the hard way. I did, and I almost lost my life because of it. I say this with all my respect and good intentions.

-Oliver

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Thanks a lot for posting, that was really informative. I hope you understand that I can only express myself through what I have experienced and through informative possessiveness. Which seems to lack in Benzodiazepines specifically, interesting. I got a little befuddled to be honest when I read that you don't expect me to believe you. Of course I believe you.

You are also completely justified on the matter with taking large doses of benzo. I guess I was subjectively defending my own claims, since that is all I know and I am still a human being. I thought I was making neutral statements with enough informative parameters, but now I have a lot more. Thank you for sharing your experience. On another subject, I didn't even know you could get a hold of barbiturates anymore, but oh well.

I also now must relate in the essence of the previous post with spreading a story with hope for virtual radial magnitude of power and reach. I read about two girls in the newspaper once, they were on their way home after buying some amphetamine powder, or so they thought. They decided to do one line each, the first girl did 200 MG and the second girl took about half, 100 MG. A couple of minutes later, an ambulance were on the way to pick them up in their suddenly stopped car. When they arrived both were unconscious, the one who snorted 200 MG didn't survive, and the other girl ended up in a coma. Turned out it was Alprazolam.

But I understand the essence of the general emotional delivery in your post OliverW, I aver and intellectually assimilate your words. I am going to study Benzodiazepines on a whole new level now, libraries, universities.

So thank you again.

I just remembered my uncle died a couple of weeks ago from mixing benzodiazepines with ethanol.

Edited by Memnoth
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Oh you are very welcome, and thanks for being so open. I just couldn't help but get upset just because I was worried that your input might inspire self-destructive behaviors. You are right, barbiturates are very uncommon these days. Specifically due to what you were communicating, that benzos themselves are not very toxic... Whereas the LD50 is relatively low for barbs. I was actually prescribed phenobarbital for my HPPD. It helped with the visuals a good deal, but in the long run, I was too worried about abusing them because I am a recovering addict. Also, as it was building up in my system (half life of 2-5 days if I remember right), my brain fog and lack of mental clarity due to HPPD was compounded. By the phenobarbital itself.

Boogres, I should have clarified... My benzo use wasn't all that recreational up until the last few months. I would take one to two bars a day for anxiety. But the tolerance builds up really fast. My acute WD lasted just over a week... As in getting the pre-seizure jerks and the inability to perceive a normal body temperature. Also, keep in mind that I did a medical detox... I was slowly tapered and even then, I was on phenobarbital for almost two months after in an order to treat my HPPD. Even after a medical detox, PAWS continued for months and even up until now, however, at the one week mark the methadone withdrawal began to overpower the benzo-like symptoms. Don't get me wrong... I was and am going through WD, however, considering the hell I have been through it doesn't bother me all that much.

Anyways, I am glad we had some proactive communication going on! I respect your opinion and your openness... I just saw a potential negative influence on some of the members of this fantastic forum. Also, if you are interested in pharmacology concerning anything, feel free to message me. I have my BS in chemistry and am currently in grad school doing some research with ties into neurochemistry... If you ever have a quick question feel free to ask... I'm not an encyclopedia but I could probably point you in the right direction as far as reliable information and research sources.

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