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Hi everyone.

I just discovered this website today and thought it was great, and a really valuable resource for anyone dealing with HPPD. I believe I have HPPD as well, but after lurking on here for a little bit, it seems like others may have it much worse than I do.

So here's my story. In November of 2009 my father died when I was 15. It was a shock to everyone and happened very suddenly, as he died of a heart attack. That night, I smoked weed with my cousin, however I'm not sure if that had any effect on my symptoms as I had smoked before then anyway. Note: That's the only psychoactive drug I had done up to this point. Soon after, (about a month or so) I began noticing static on the walls and in the sky. I see almost chromosomal-shaped transparent shapes that descend whenever I look in the rays of fluorescent lights. Also, my eyesight, especially at night-time, has gotten worse. It's hard to explain, but light emits abnormally long rays compared to normal, however this goes away when I stretch my eyes wide, and it might be because my eyes are watery or something; I do spend far too much time looking at computer screens. Around the same time I noticed these symptoms, I also began having panic attacks and anxiety unrelated to my symptoms.

I had no idea what these symptoms meant or if they were even real, and I basically went on living my life as normal. It wasn't until months later, when I began getting interested in psychedelics, that I even heard of something that caused symptoms such as mine. Even then, and even now, I question whether I really have it or not, although it would definitely seem I do. I ended up doing shrooms this past September, and afterwards I felt very flat and uninteresting almost, and I began to get paranoid that I had messed myself up really badly by taking mushrooms, despite this being against all of my previous thoughts about psychedelics. I experienced bad panic attacks very similar to those that I had following my dad's death, except that they were about my mushroom use and any subsequent symptoms. I mention this because this may be some of the depersonalization that I've seen described on here, but I'm not sure.

Another thing that I believe I should mention, although it may be inconsequential, is an experience from when I was quite young. I was probably somewhere between the ages of 4 and 8 when I was sick and got a high fever. I don't remember exactly why I was sick, whether it was the flu or something. Anyway, I vividly remember getting very worried because I began hallucinating. I asked my mom what was happening, and she said that that can happen sometimes when you get a fever. I had almost totally forgotten about the experience until I got into psychedelics and read about how DMT is released in near death experience's and very high fevers. This might all be something that I want to believe, however unlikely I think that to be, but I believe I may have hallucinated due to DMT at a very young age. Maybe this caused HPPD and I simply didn't notice any symptoms until my dad died? After all, following my dad's death, I did feel like I almost 'woke up,' like my consciousness expanded or something, as cheesy as that sounds lol.

Anyway, I have things under control and I can function quite normally, or at least I think I can. I do have more questions that I'll be asking, however, and I plan to check these boards frequently. Thank you for having this, truly. Just knowing that this community of people is here for you will surely ease the fears and anxiety of myself and countless others.

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sad story mate... must have been so hard on you at that age. Stress seems to be a huge factor in hppd and anxiety, so it is no surprise to hear you started getting symptoms after your dad's death.

hopefully you are looking after yourself now, no more drugs. It sounds like you are in a mild/pre hppd stage, so, fingers crossed, this will pass with time.

good luck and feel free to ask any questions

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  • 3 weeks later...

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