Can anyone relate. Silly mother one time user

[Kax1]

I took what I thought was cocaine but I'm pretty sure it was laced with something as we were all out of it. This was in March. During that I started seeing black dots in my peripheral vision. I still see them upon wakening and randomly on white walls. My other symptons are visual snow, after images, I've seen breathing walls, coloured specks and flashing dots. I have also seen like a smokey thing a few times. Benzos help prescribed by the doctor. I have extreme anxiety. My eyes have been tested multiple times and I am waiting for neurology. But if nothings found is this hppd? Especially when the dots started during the trip? My doctor just claims its a typical migraines. Oh and geometrical shapes and sometimes faces. If I knew for certain there wasn't something more sinister going on, I think I'd be less anxious. Anyone anything similar to the black dots and geometric shapes? Thanks, 27, female, mother (idiot I know) and terrified. 

[Jay1]

Sounds very much like hppd.

Are you sure the black dots are not floaters? Do they move when you move your eyes?

Some of my floaters are black dots rather than the typical lines that most people see. 

[Kax1]

No I have floaters too and I can tell the difference. Sometimes Ill get one larger black hole in my vision. It's so scary and doctors just fobe me off with migraines but it seems to be getting worse. Also have good and bad days for example I am sick at the moment have seen a larges black dot when I looked at the wall but when I stare into it it goes away. Really getting me down

[Jay1]

Do they move though?

I know I can sometimes see eyelashes too that look like black spots. Just trying to get an understanding of the issue

[Kax1]

No they disappear when I look at them so I'm only seeing them in my peripheral vision. The only reason I'm leanng towards this is because the first time I experienced them was on that drug. I didn't have fear as I was high then. Sometimes the dots are coloured or like sparkles but usually black. It's so scary when I over think. I'm probably the only person on this sight wanting a hppd diagnoses, but if I knew it was that I could work on healing. I feel so guilty on my baby as my anxiety hinders me at times

[Jay1]

It is very, very likely to be connected with the drug use, so I think you can start to work on healing your hppd. Obviously, keep getting checked with the doctor too though. 

My first advice would be to try and stop the guilty feelings, guilt is there to stop us doing something again... I think it seems safe to say you will never do drugs again, so that guilt is just wasted, negative energy. Forgive yourself and start to focus on your recovery. You will still be a great mum.

[yosoydiego]

On 9/10/2019 at 8:30 PM, Kax1 said:

No they disappear when I look at them so I'm only seeing them in my peripheral vision. The only reason I'm leanng towards this is because the first time I experienced them was on that drug. I didn't have fear as I was high then. Sometimes the dots are coloured or like sparkles but usually black. It's so scary when I over think. I'm probably the only person on this sight wanting a hppd diagnoses, but if I knew it was that I could work on healing. I feel so guilty on my baby as my anxiety hinders me at times

Is Cocaine the ONLY drug that you've EVER taken?

It's not an Hallucinogenic, that's why I asked. I'm not extremely surprised though, and I bet this site is full of people with HPPD that haven't taken Hallucinogens. For me it seems like a dopaminergic system problem

[Kax1]

1 hour ago, yosoydiego said:

Is Cocaine the ONLY drug that you've EVER taken?

It's not an Hallucinogenic, that's why I asked. I'm not extremely surprised though, and I bet this site is full of people with HPPD that haven't taken Hallucinogens. For me it seems like a dopaminergic system problem

Hey, no not ever, I mean just since the baby. I have tried acid once and mdna multiple times growing up. Never had any issues after though. I am currently on codeine for a hand operation and weirdly have not overly noticed any of these symptoms, I'm probably too high or it helps aha. But obviously this is just for the week as it heals and my anxiety is low due to it. I know anxiety absolutely heightens everything. 

[yosoydiego]

15 hours ago, Kax1 said:

Hey, no not ever, I mean just since the baby. I have tried acid once and mdna multiple times growing up. Never had any issues after though. I am currently on codeine for a hand operation and weirdly have not overly noticed any of these symptoms, I'm probably too high or it helps aha. But obviously this is just for the week as it heals and my anxiety is low due to it. I know anxiety absolutely heightens everything. 

Thaaaaanks for your reply, and I'm glad you are getting better!

Your description keeps confirming my hypothesis behind all this "hppd" thing

 

May I ask a couple of more questions?

- how strong/long the cocaine binge was?

- how long ago was your labor? (what a silly way to ask your kid's age hehe, I didn't want to make it too personal, but I'm clearly asking the same hehe. )

 

 

The opiates that you're taking will definitely help, but the withdrawal could make it way worse... I'd talk to your doctor about it. Probably you'd need a specially long withdrawal period to avoid making the symptoms even worse after the treatment

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24563427

Edited September 20, 2019 by yosoydiego