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Hi, I have had HPPD for at least a month, am 18


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Hey everyone, I just joined this forum and thought I would share my story.

I have always been quite a heavy drug user, much more than all my friends. My goal last year was too 'try 1 drug out of every category', and I managed to do that. At the start of this year I only had one more thing to try - psychedelics. The first time I did LSD I was in love. It showed me the beauty of life and let me appreciate myself. It became my favourite drug, but one I didnt partake in very often. My usual dose was 180ug+. I only did it 5 times, but the 4th time I did it was what I think started all this. I stupidly decided to take 400ug of some very potent acid with my friend at his house. We had taken 380ug of acid before, but it wasnt very strong so our view of acid dosage was skewed. This trip was insane. Within 30 minutes the air around me was changing colours and I was tasting colours. Thats the last thing I remember before my abrupt and insane ego death. This experience is burned into my memory. I lived an entire lifetime, and it all felt so real. I died at the end of that life and I had been with my girlfriend for the rest of my life and I became every moment of love we experienced together split into fractals floating through them forever. At first I hated it and couldn't believe this was forever but I came to terms with being these feelings and seeing these fractalised images of my life. I then got to view my friendships and see the base of everyones personality as white orbs. Thats all I can remember right now, but there is alot more. When I came to i was lying on the ground of my friends basement covered in dirt with no idea who i was, who he was and where i was. I created all these stories of what I was doing there and centred on that I was the biggest piece of shit in the world, that everyone hated me and I was just scum. My friend was trying to get through to me and called someone sober to help (he was surprisingly functioning for being on 400ug). Whenever he would tell me someones name I had to grasp the concept of their name and then would ask if that was my name or my friends name. I also constantly asked my friend if he was my girlfriend (woops). My friend would ask me where my phone is and I would pull nothing out of my pocket, say huh and then repeat the exact same action. Eventually my sober friend came and I was starting to come to. I had a nice warm shower to refresh myself and spent the rest of the evening embarrassed watching my friends art transform and watching netflix. Keep in mind this was at least 6 hours since I had 'blacked out'. From my friends perspective I had started walking around his house talking to people that werent there. He video called my other friend to keep and eye on me while he was making food and he would ask me what the time was and i would just say 'time?' and then repeat the word forever. After a while I apparently really quickly got up, opened his back door and made a run for the road. He had to pull me down from jumping over his gate and lock me in his basement. I have no idea where i was going or what I was doing but thank god he was there.

After that experience I took an extended break from everything, even weed. I developed really really bad anxiety and depression to the point where I planned my suicide day. Luckily my girlfriend forced me to go to therapy and I am on antidepressants which help to some extent.

Then I was going to a sort of rave thing with my friend from my previous trip, and for old times sake we decided to take 70ug. This was wonderful, I fell in love with LSD all over again. We had a great night of flowing to music and I had such a clear headspace (which in hindsight is because I am ALWAYS in the acid headspace). Everyone I talked to thought I was sober, and the visuals didnt phase me at all. I got home from the party and lay in bed super warm and enjoyed listening to music and watching videos. I then decided to hit my weed vape. This is when reality itself defragmented and I was thrown into an almost bad trip. I dont remember what else happened but I ended up taking alot of Quetiapine and falling asleep. After this my HPPD really started

I noticed visual snow for a while, but because I have an eating disorder I thought it was just malnutrition as it was similar to what it looks like when I stand up after not eating for a long time. I then noticed it getting stronger and having slight tracers and things like the place where walls and ceilings meet moving. This is when I also started to notice afterimages being very apparent,  and how my thought process was so abstract. For a while I thought I was going insane, and maybe I was. But after finding out about HPPD I am still a bit scared but am also coming to terms a bit with it.

My main effects are:

-Visual Snow (24/7, can barely see anything in dark, very disorienting when i close my eyes and its still there)

-Breathing walls and wiggling lines (very very occasional, and honestly doesnt really disturb me alot more intrigues me)

-Afterimages (This can be a bit weird and a bit of an issue but whatever)

-LSD like thoughts (sometimes this gets to me, and makes me super depressed but sometimes with my uni assignments and just things in general I can think extremely expansive thoughts which help me be more creative)

-Light halos + floaters (I had these beforehand) 

-Depersonalisation - This gets me alot sometimes and If I am alone and not concentrating on anything this can get really bad to the point where it feels like everything is watching me and hating me ready to jump out and get me. I feel almost like I have lost the proper link to my body and am stuck in my mind and am hanging onto my physical body by a thread that could snap at any moment

-Anxiety + Depression - I have felt this way most of my life and both of these run in my family but anxiety has been heavily amplified and can get to me alot

I am just now getting over the feeling that I have ruined my life at 18. I am trying to come to terms with this and sometimes it still scares me but my life isn't too terrible. My anxiety is quite bad but I may be able to get medication to help that as anxiety is a family issue. I still really do hope this does all go away someday though. I am very excited to join this community and meet people facing the same thing and I hope you are all doing well.



Edited by DanK
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First: You have not ruined your life.

The advice is the same as for everyone else: abstain from all drugs. Even avoid caffeine.

Anxiety makes it worse. Thinking about it all the time makes it worse. Try to occupy yourself with things. Hobbies are great.

I did around 650 ug my (2nd) last time, and then did a small amount, around 70 ug 8 months later. Haven't done anything since then, even stopped weed which I had smoked almost daily for 6 yrs. Started developing visual snow 6 months later, and then got the rest (palinopsia, floaters, dp/dr, tinnitus, etc.) a year after that. First there is a lot of anxiety because of it, and that definitely makes the dp/dr worse. It has now improved with 95 %. I also got a bad depression after the big trip, and it's also a lot better now. Visuals are still bad, but I definitely don't think as much about them anymore, and life goes on.

Things will get better, especially with your attitude, which feels quite positive in the way your write. Most important thing is to keep your anxiety in check, and not let the different symptoms make it worse. You'll be alright.

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I also had a love affair with acid.  To me it wasn't just a tool to find answers, it was the answer.  I was just a kid and didn't realize how wrong I was.  Unfortunately, back in the early 1970s, there were a lot of people around who also thought it was the answer.  

As @sami stated, you haven't ruined you life.  You're in a strange and unfamiliar place and that can be scary.  In this forum there are quite a few people who have done remarkable things with their lives.  While I don't consider my life remarkable, it sure has been a great ride.  We can't turn back the clock and change the things we've done.  However, once you get clean, the healing can begin.  Don't tempt fate by continuing to use drugs.  Set some goals for yourself and start moving toward them.  

Never give up on yourself.  Hang in there.

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