unbusted67 Posted January 29, 2012 Report Share Posted January 29, 2012 Hello, I started smoking pot when I was 13 and started doing hallucinogens when I was 15. I come from a loving, supportive, intellectual, ex-hippy family, and grew up on Martha's Vineyard, a summer community on an island in Massachusetts. I started working when I was 13. The summer of my 16th year I took off from work and went on a tear doing lots of acid, pot, and mushrooms. We hung out in a shed outside of my father's house and smoked pot and cigarettes and listened to Phish (I’m sure everyone on this forum can relate) . One night in August a friend of mine and I took a very small amount of Mushrooms, about one cap and one stem each. We smoked a little pot and my world immediately turned into a Hell. The roof of the shack was knotted plywood; the knots became huge eyes and the roof started to rotate as if we were in the heart of a huge cylindrical water wheel. My arms and hands became truncated and hinged as if I were a giant crab or lobster. The visualization of the trip was not the horrific part. It was the sensation, the actual physical feeling, of having body parts not be your own. I felt as if my arms were truly cut into small pixelated chunks that would shift and reconstitue in intervals. This was made worse when I would touch other parts of my body with my hands and it would feel as if my flesh were sloughing off. I came down by having my friend walk me up and down my driveway for hours. We would reach one end and I would feel as if something horrible were going to happen only to turn around and feel that same sensation at the other end. The next morning I was shaken but felt as if the trip was over. I didn't smoke much pot for a month after and had only a few strange dreams to show for my bad trip. Then one night, back in the shed, I decided to smoke some pot with my big brother and some friends. I felt immediately anxious. My father called out to me telling me my mother was on the phone, I went inside and held the phone to my ear only to feel my arm truncate into insect like sections and to feel the phone pull the flesh from my ear and hand. The next morning I woke early to run a road race with my father only to have a massive anxiety attack and flashback right in the middle of the crowd at the starting line. The month that followed was very difficult for me and my family. I wouldn’t leave the house or my room. I had constant anxiety, disassociation, and hallucinations. After about a month I scheduled a doctor’s appointment and came clean to my parents. I stopped smoking pot and haven’t for 16 years. I still suffered from the occasional HPPD trail or halo. I do not suffer from HPPD anymore but still have mild to severe depression and anxiety. I just feel like my entire life has been dictated by that experience and feel trapped inside of it. Most days I do not feel OK. This has led to me having other drug issues including binge drinking, cocaine, and most recently and most dangerousl,y pain killers. I just got so fucking tired of feeling bad that the feeling of Percocet or Vicodin was the only release I had had for months, if not years. I have had very few relationships with women because I am so anxious all the time that I have a hard time talking to them. I am in an 8 year relationship now that I sometimes feel is built on crutches and enablement. I have lived in 5 different cities in the last 8 years, and have a very hard time keeping a job. I am a very competent person but due to my anxiety and doubts I tend to quit jobs after about 6 months. I have never been fired. I go long periods being un or semi employed. It has been a long road to recover from the symptoms of HPPD after some lackluster attempts at therapy, meditation, and extreme excersise I feel as though I am mostly asymptomatic, although just recounting the story makes me feel like I am back in the shed with a thousand plywood eyes and an exoskeleton for arms. I am glad I found this web site. I am not sure what brought me to it tonight other than another hung over and anxious day today. This is the first time in 16 years I have ever written this all out thanks for giving me the opportunity to share. On a side note my partner has worked at Mclean and we live near by. If there are ever any clinical studies for HPPD I would be glad to take part. Thanks 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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