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My experience of HPPD


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Hi my name is Thimón and i live in Holland. Ive had HPPD since almost half a year now. I cant fucking believe it now that i think about it. I got it from psilocybin (20 mg truffles and an extremely high dose of THC oil) and its combined with several (mental) health problems that where enworsened by the trip that brought about my HPPD. I have symptoms of bipolar disorder paired with psychotic tendencies (wich in retrospect i realized i actually have my entire life the trip only enworsened this)  and overall decreased cognition, memory decline, decreased learning ability, decreased social abilities and anxiety. Its interesting because my HPPD wasnt set on by a predominantly negative trip. I had some negative visions of me killing myself but nothing i couldnt handle. Needless to say the trip wasnt predominantly good either, definitually not. The exact feeling i felt during this trip is very hard to describe because as people who have tripped you guys understand how the actual experience of psychedelics very much goes above our concieveble dimension of communication. It really makes it hard to describe how i feel. It kind of felt like i was drifting into a black hole of non dualistic being everytime i closed my eyes but everything i did i just could not give in to it. Wich is weird because at this point in my life i had build up such a strong psychological ground for myself where i was in the mind state of being able to underthrow myself to whatever way life would choose to present itself but somehow in this trip i couldnt. And it didnt have to do with letting go of my ego, like i said i was in a place where i could underthrew myself to whatever and face everything that it was that life presented to me. I had worked through all my social and mental problems in life and was in a constant state of underthrewing myself to every possible way of self development id come across. I went home well 14 hours into the trip when i noticed it still wasnt over. I layed down in my bed and felt that black hole feeling creep in once more. After hours of laying around constantly reopening my eyes because i couldnt give in to the feeling i finally fell asleep. Next day at work i noticed the sensations of the trip where still there, especially the visuals. It was  in the following days my above mentioned symptoms started to become clear to me. The effect and dosage range of virtually all substances (from weed to supplements) changed and chronic anxiety kicked in shattering my social skills wich i worked for years to get to the point wich i had gotten them to. The folllowing days where honestly the darkest days of my life encountering deppression like i have never known before. Psychotic thoughts of my collegues at work conspiring against me, severe derealization and overall suicidality because i felt like i would never be the same again. But there came a point where i decided that there was only two things i could do. I could either face and confront everything that i was going through or end it right there and then. A life dwelling in regret of the past is no life at all. Ive bassically overcome derealization realizing its brought on by self induced anxiety based thought patterns. Im doing extensive research on the curing of bipolar disorder and psychotic symptoms and my bipolar is slowly healing and with the right mental patterns and dietary supplements my psychotic symptoms are greatly deminishing and im sure that when all the pieces of my health puzzle come together i can beat them completely. Ive come to realize that coping with virtually anything in life is all about the way you percieve it and respond to it mentally. Our brains are an extroardinary piece of biology and with the right attitude and strengthening the right neural pathways by encouriging constructive thoughts and behaviors we can conquer virtually any obstacle that presents itself. I think i speak for anyone when i say that our present state is only a snapshot of one point in our development. From every point in the present on we have a choice between stagnation and development and its up to us to choose the one we take. If we choose to be in constant self development then one day we will look back at our current state and realize that through whatever obstacle we face it is always within ourself to overcome them even when the outcome might not be exactly how we envision it to be.
I always say to myself the words
"Nothing is a factor."
The experience of our conciousness is shaped by the interpretation we give it.
I think that instead of living in constant anticipation for a possible cure its more important to try and optimalize your current state instead of waiting for a possible outcome in the future. If we choose to limit our experience of this temporary materialization of concious life emerging between two incomprehendable eternities then that is exactly what your one chance at the experience of life will be: limited.
Overcoming these obstacles is within us.

Just my thoughts on the most horrific experience and at the same time most learnfull experience of my life. 5/6 months in and my progression is far beyond anything i could have possibly percieved since the on set in September 2018. Im not there yet but im getting there. Its only up from here.
If anyone wants to talk about their issues or experiences, ill be here. Greetings, Thimón

Edited by Thimón
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