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HPPD and my Addiction


HDDeer
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I don't really know where else to vent about this, in all honesty, it's really bothering me that this could go on for so long, anyways let me begin. 

This is just a thought of mine I have, and I don't want anyone to judge me for it because I feel like it could make me kinda sound delusional. 

Let me begin,

It's been about a year now since I first touched mdma, I remember when I first got my hands on it, I did it on Christmas eve and Christmas, lied to my family about where I was, i was doing it hours before work, there was a point when I did it something like 5 nights in a row. I picked up cocaine a few times which made me extremely suicidal, there was actually one time I had myself convinced i was going to spend all my money in my bank account on blow in hopes it would kill me(I don't know if it actually would have, and I still don't know if it would, I was just really reckless), it was a relatively rough period for me.

I never had hppd during that period of time though. 

But mdma, I did stop doing it as I couldn't find pure stuff anymore. I ended up stumbling upon mushrooms and lsd, the first time I took acid, best experience I've ever had in my entire life. Mushroom trips while not good, always helped me with my other neurological disorder. 

Then I got hppd after a bad acid trip, I'm here now 7 months later, I think things have gotten better in terms of visuals, for the most part my anxiety is usually non-existent. 

But every time my hppd is beginning to show improvements, I find my drug addiction comes back harder and harder. I ask myself most times, is it even possible to truly have an addiction 9 months after the last time you even touched the drug? You wouldn't think so. Maybe it's just my mental state.

I should correct myself, the last time I was doing hard drugs faithfully was 9 months ago, I did end up doing a Molly capsule back in June, that nobody even knows of, not my girlfriend not anyone in my family, only my nephew whose a few months younger than me. It definitely made my hppd worse, it has gotten better since, though my ghosting was virtually non existent before, and now while it's going away again, it's definitely a lot slower going away than it was before. 

Now, my hppd is finally getting better again, my mental capacity is so lacking, that I can't seem to get it through to myself that drugs put me here, mdma made it worse, but I find myself being drawn back into it. I have so much trouble fighting my urges. 

I know it's not a life to live, hppd or not hppd.

My mom died back in 2010, and I'm relatively confident that I suffer from dp/dr because of it, my emotions are relatively numb, I feel like I don't care about my family like the normal person should. Drugs filled that void my mom left there when she died. It's been so long that I truly do not know wether or not if what i feel is normal, personally, something does feel off, and it did before hppd happened. 

Sometimes I kinda wonder, if my mom or even the universe for that matter, sees that I have some kind of purpose for good, which is why I was thrown into this mess with hppd to stop an addiction from getting worse, to fulfill something meaningful.

Granted, it's very important to me to help someone, or change at least one person's life for good while I'm here, so maybe I'm just really lost in my own mind and this is all some weird ploy I came up with to comfort myself with this mess I'm in. 

I just really hope something in my life changes soon, because while my hppd may not be getting worse, something about my life is. 

I have a new job as a security guard, I work shift work, 7 days on and 7 days off, 12 hour shifts. And while it does pay decent, I just don't truly think it's for me. I want to do something meaningful.

Sorry for the rant guys, haven't posted on here in a while and my urges and just my life all around have been coming in full swing, needed people I could relate to, to see this. 

Thank you. 

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  • 3 months later...

Mom died > trauma > DPDR/drug addiction.

It's normal for humans to want to escape the pain of reality. You're one of those people who can't do drugs, so you have to figure out a way to cope in some healthier way, like martial arts or lifting weights or writing or something.

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