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2 Years on, Im still here!


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Gidday everyone.

Well I thought I'd share may story. Im usually a reader rather than a writer but I figured fuck it.

I have suffered with HPPD for 2 years now. My symptoms include visual trembles, after images, tracers, visual snow, floaters, DP/DR, flashes of colour, probably more I cant think of and the worst of all, at times, I become paralyzed with fear. I get scared that I'm going to get so bad that I cant work, then I cant pay my mortgage, then me and my family end up on the street, and all because I used alot of drugs as a kid.

But then...I think back to when I first started suffering HPPD. I came on the board quite a bit and I used to read the success stories. Some people on there had suffered much worse than me and for much longer and they still had jobs, families, lives. And it made me think, well shit if they can so can I!

My HPPD, although probably not caused, was definitely triggered by prescription medication given to me for anxiety (I know ironic right?). It was SSRI's that I was given to deal with anxiety bought about by our local constabulary raiding my house (And I mean full on raid, search warrants, broken doors, 12 pig cars, dogs, the whole nine yards) for 8 cannabis seedlings!!! The court case took its toll on me as the cops tried to over exagerate what they'd found to justify there search. It became apparent very quickly that they wanted to pin charges to me so they could take my house! Innevitably the lost those charged, however the damage was done, I had fought them in court for over 6 months and was depressed and anxious.

The first day I took the meds (Citalopram) I told my doctor that it gave me wierd visuals (ghosting of lights) he told me it was just side effect and it would were off. I continued and things got worse and worse until after 2 months I said "enough is enough" and stopped. however my new found visuals remained. Apart from the meds I was entirely drug free and, for the most part, have been ever since. My visuals seem to have gotten worse, howver some times I dont know if thats my anxiety kicking in or not. I've become riddled with hypochondriosis and regularly "test" for new symptoms.

But I've learned. I carried on, one day at a time, and here I am. Im not in a psych ward. Im still happily married with a young boy and another on the way. And at the end of the day Ive learned that HPPD is an addiction. It will take from you what you give it. If you think about it, worry about it, and generally let it run your life then you've lost. If you ignore it and carry on with life as best you can (regularly I feel like Im acting because I dont want to socialise or do anything but I force myself to) then slowly but surely you start to have fleeting glimpses of moments that you forget you have HPPD. Moments turn into minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days (not quite there yet). And...In time...You have a normal life. Then....Youve won!!!

Thanks for taking the time to read me report.

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Nice post, very optimistic.

When HPPD started i haven't notice floaters at all, but had many other visual issues like traces, VS, afterimages ect'. after three months with HPPD i took some SSRI for ten days in which my vision gone badly worse. floaters kicked in as never before, i stopped taking the SSRI's but the floaters only kept going worse since. they even seen deemly lighted rooms, wierd stuff.

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Hey Mark mate.

I soon realised I have to be optimistic otherwise HPPD will win, I got kids and a wife to worry about.

SSRI's have a habit of doing bad things to HPPD. I read about it lots in the old forum. Whats worse is the doctors all completely denied it. I was drug free for around 6 months prior to taking the SSRI and that was cactus juice and prior to that was 6 months and that was two tabs of LSD, however I have to admit prior to those two tabs on NYE I'd had a HEAVY year of MDMA, LSD, Speed, Meth, and I had a regular 2 Oz a month cannabis habit.

So while I dont feel the SSRI caused the HPPD I definitely blame it for triggering it.

I was pretty much drug free and could have possibly gone on to have an HPPD free life, then again who knows? I might have gotten right back into it again and my HPPD could have been caused by something significantly worse.

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