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I don't want this shit anymore [trigger warning]


hppdvictim92
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Hello folks,

I just stood up as every morning and... still there's this shit.

I don't want this anymore. Seriously.

I'm from Germany, I'm 24 now and still in high school. I have been on leave for about 3 years because of my problems. I did LSD and several other drugs including MDMA, amphetamines, DXM and cannabis starting with cannabis at the age of about 18 for about 3 years. My last LSD trip was in 2013. I did LSD 5 times. I was in rehab for my drug abuse and I'm in a psychotherapy since about 1.5 years now.

In 2015 I continued school and I will hopefully finish it this year. 

But I feel like I messed up my whole life. Seriously. Everyone in my age here is finishing university now while I havn't even started. They have good jobs and some are in an age where they raise a family. And what do I have? I have fucking nothing. 

Well it doesn't matter what I have now for sure. That's true. What matters is how I will be in 10 or 20 years you think? It's true but we all know what is in 10 or 20 years. I am still going to have this shit. And it's just fucking destroying my life. 

I can't concentrate, I can't learn. I can't anything. It's just not possible to do anything rather than sitting in front of my computer everyday. I'm glad there's the internet for sure so I can still talk to some guys on Skype. :D

I'm not sure if it's really HPPD. My mother is schizophrenic and maybe it's just some form of schizophrenia. I have mainly visual hallucinations, brain-fog, depression.I don't have any other hallucinations but who knows. From the images on the internet I saw about HPPD it looks similar, but a little bit different. I'm also not sure if I should call my visual snow really visual snow because it's too intense somehow. 

I got a lot meds in rehab. Neuroleptics did nothing to me, benzodiazepines work well. The problem is: I also became a benzodiazpine addict in 2013 so I'm not even allowed to do benzodiazepines anymore. I just don't have any relief now. 
I'm on antidepressants and they help a little bit with sleep and anxiety.

I sleep about 10-12 hours a day, sometimes I sleep even longer just to escape reality. I'm so scared of this shit I even dream about HPPD symptoms every night.

I think about commiting suicide every day. Psychiatrists can't help me. A doctor even told me "What should I do? What have you thought what I can do about it before you visited me?". In Germany also no one knows anything about HPPD because here the ICD-10 classification system is used and there is no equivalent diagnosis for HPPD like in the DSM system. If you tell them you read something about it on the internet they think you're just hypochondric. Therapist can't help me.

I even thought about I might be just hypochondric. Who knows.

And please don't tell me to exercise, taking vitamins and eating good and all that stuff. We all know it doesn't help a shit, it's just a placebo effect. Just be honest.

Maybe not even HPPD is the main problem. Maybe just my depression because HPPD always reminds me of my drug abuse. It's always somehow subversively "telling" me "Look you have been such an idiot... you deserve this shit. How could you do any drugs? Everyone knows they are harmful and know it's your responsibility you have to take. Don't cry you little bitch!". I can't accept it. I just want this nightmare to end, but it won't ever end. I want to go back in time and change everything. I can't accept I got this shit because I was stupid when I was younger and now I'm 24 and still have this shit and I'll be soon 30 years old, just in 6 short years and nothing changes.

I don't know what I should do anymore. I just have messed up my life. I still want to study but I'm not sure if I will ever be able to function in life. I want a normal job where I can live from. And now we see this nationalist movements everywhere in the world and globalisiation. It's just a question of time and there probably won't even be any social security systems anymore. How will I live then when I'm not able to have job? HOW? Will a rob a bank to pay my rent because I have no other options and will end up in jail? Seriously, that's what I think about life and politics at the moment. I see I'm getting a little bit off topic. But that's how I feel at the moment.

:( 

edit: I didn't do any drugs for about 2 years now, no alcohol and no nicotine by the way.

Edited by hppdvictim92
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