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tried to kill myself, realized I kinda wanna live


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So about a week ago I decided that I had had enough of this bullshit, drank a bunch of wine and whiskey and took a bunch of kpins. cut myself in artistic way "smiley face with eyes crossed out" I got a bucket of charcoal goin and put it on bricks in my truck, hopped in and locked the doors and threw my note up on the dash. "carbon monoxide poisoning" I remember I had headphones in listening to music and I lost all senses except hearing. My legs went numb and then when I was on the brink of loosing consciousness I bailed out of my truck and stumbled inside with my heart rate through the roof. I woke up the next day with my HPPD a little worse but it subsided back to baseline. I've always suffered from depression and anxiety and always felt like my death would be a suicide even before HPPD. but the fact is I COULD NOT DO IT! so I guess I'm in this to the end or at least until it subsides hopefully.

 

A lot of shit has been goin on in my life lately. My grandfather died then my cousin and then my uncle this morning and I ask God why not me? Sometimes I wish God would give my physical health to someone who deserves it like a child with cancer and let me drop dead. I failed half of my classes last semester and I feel like I can never be the engineer, husband and father I aspired to be. It just seems like life is fucked for me and nobody understands.

 

I have a new girlfriend now and I have no idea how to explain HPPD to her without me seeming to be insane. I know my HPPD could be considered mild compared to some of you but my pre-existing anxiety and depression make it to where I don't want to endure any more of this.

 

I guess the moral of the story is you only get one life and even though all of us have fucked up that one life there is still a drop of happiness that can be squeezed out of every day. The thing I hate the most is there is no external abnormality that shows you're inner pain/struggle. Anyways I'm 3/4 through a bottle of wine which I know I shouldn't do cuz it has a rebound effect on my HPPD but occasionally I need a break. I just wanted to vent to some people who actually understand.

 

PS: Thanks for listening to me bitch and moan. You guys/gals are the only ones who really understand.

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Thing is, many people on this board know the same feelings you have. Some have acted on them, most probably not. But we understand. 

 

I too have suffered from anxiety and depression and when mixed with HPPD they really can get out of control and become unbearable. I've had lots of anxiety lately and it's really taken its toll on me. 

 

The best advice I can give at this point is to just try and find all the things in life that make you happy and spend your time with them as much as possible. You really have to do whatever you can to just survive this, just to make it to another day. You can't dwell. That's a first-class ticket to suicidal thoughts. You have to try as hard as you can to focus on things that aren't HPPD, to keep your mind off the symptoms. I really feel as long as you lead a healthy lifestyle that in time your symptoms will improve, but it takes lots of work. 

 

Glad you decided to hang in there a bit longer. Just keep pushing. One day at a time. Live in the moment. Try your hardest to stay alive. It'll be worth it one day. I really believe it will be worth it. 

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I feel you man. I think about ending it every day. But just think about the people in your life and how that would affect them? I get all worked up about being a nonfunctional person now and feel that maybe I should just off myself so I don't have to go through this anymore. But my family would rather have a nonfunctional me than a dead me, and I owe it to them to keep on keeping on.

Plus... Wouldn't it suck if we all found a way out of this in the next few years, and you killed yourself first? Have faith! Advances in medical science are happening quicker and quicker. With more scientists and doctors paying attention to genes, I wouldn't be surprised if treatments for some of the imbalances we are experiencing come out very soon.

In fact, I was just reading about how a group of doctors/researchers are looking into acetylcholine imbalances as a possible sources of cognitive dysfunction and depression. Acetylcholine problems and HPPD go hand in hand! Onedayillsailagain put up a great post about HPPD resembling some sort of chronic anticholinergic syndrome and I tend to agree with him (for the most part).

Have faith man. We owe it to our selfs to keep pushing for a better tomorrow.

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