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Not sure if I have hppd or dp/dr


Ecstasyonetimer
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2010: used ecstasy once driving back from a family gathering.

I never felt high, just dead. The following days my eyes and ears felt very in-sync . And I felt like when I was talking it wasn't me, walking became non natural along with driving

3 weeks later : I convinced myself I had brain damage. Went on Xanax 3mg a day. It helped initially but ended up making it much more I stents during withdrawal

2014 I came off Xanax . It's been 20 months. I began smoking pot to help with withdrawals

I quit pot last month.

I have never been able to get a buzz from anything since this happened in 2010. I still feel weird when I talk. When I walk, when I drive.

I feel like my anxiety always used to affect me emotionally. Since this happened I no longer feel emotional anxiety but physical manifestations of anxiety like the tightness behind my eyes and ears, dizziness. My eyes move weird and are always glazed like I'm high.

Nothing really looks how it used to. I used to look at things and make connections , now when I look at building or people it's just like nothing is real

I tried to hang myself three weeks ago. So I was admitted into ecmc, and today I get a 12k$ bill. I lost my job recently and I'm 26. Lost my fiancé. I guess the weed was masking all my symptoms and when I quit I was left with the realization that This is NOT me. This is not me. I used to love and feel deeply. Now I'm constantly stuck on what is wrong with me. I can't let go of it because it's with me every waking moment.

I used to feel terrible anxiety every morning before this. Now instead I feel terrible dizziness every morning and it slowly fades.

Please help

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HPPD is a very broad term, but your case seems like it should fit the definition, but you should probably see a neurologist. Just tell them everything and get some tests done to verify that you don't have any physical brain damage, which Ecstasy can sometimes induce (although not from one use usually). If your physical brain is okay then you can start seeking treatment for HPPD. Stop doing all drugs for one thing. Did the Xanax consistently help up until the withdrawal, or did you only notice a change when you first started?

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When I was in the hospital I had all the neurological tests everything came back normal. I always had terrible anxiety before this happened and I had experienced depersonalization. Since this happened, it seems pretty permanent.

I have days where it's gone. Where it's not there. But lately, I can kind of see how negatively this has affected my life, and now I have incredibly deep depression.

I don't have hallucinations, or visual trails or anything.

The Xanax helped but once I built tollerance it made it so so so much worst and I was in hell for two years because of Interdose withdrawals. I notice when I smoke weed I'm very close to normal I believe because it kills my anxiety which seems like an underlying issue here

I just remember doing ecstasy and trying to sleep that night having to remember to breath. I felt like I was dying. Ever since that night I've been in a different state of mi d where I'm like outside of my conciousness. It's difficult to describe. Doctors tell me I developed depersonalization disorder but I don't know I seen this website and figured why not. Maybe I have this . Who knows . I'll probably off myself pretty soon.

And what's weird is I've only recently been suicidle. I have a college degree I'm attractive I have a nice place a nice car my x was the most beautiful person in the world but this is something I'm obsessed with. I used to be able to feel so emotional and deep and only recently I'm realizing that I don't anymore

And recently since I've stopped caring I've seen imporvements which only pisses me off I feel like I'm cursed and this fucking illness only lets up when I'm about to off myself

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Like snax said, HPPD is an extremely wide spectrum. It comes in many different forms and durations. The fact you got this after a bad "trip" as well as the fact you're suicidal and have DP/DR, eye problems and a sort of detatchment from the outside world (all common symptoms of HPPD) tells me you definitely could have HPPD and it seems likely you do -- at least some form of it.

 

How long was it before you quit Xanax and started smoking pot? And what's life been like since 2010 when you first got this? It sounds like it's been rough, but you've still managed to carry on a relationship and other normal aspects of life, which is definitely a good sign.

 

To me, your symptoms sound a lot different than mine, as almost all my difficulties stem around my vision which is totally messed up. It sounds like you have a lot of underlying emotional problems, especially with the anxiety. Have you seen a therapist? Have you tried benzos? Both of those could really help your anxiety and HPPD. Also, if it wasn't very long before you went off Xanax and started smoking pot, then you need to give yourself a break from drugs for at least six months to see how you react. You should, if you haven't already, start a vigorous exercise and healthy eating program too.

 

Sounds like you're going through a difficult time right now but it's important to keep in mind that HPPD recovery is an extremely slow process. You have to give yourself months and often times years of trying different things before you can determine how flexible your condition is. Try and stay off drugs for a while and see where you're at. It's gonna be tough but that's just the nature of HPPD. The good news is you'll only be stronger in the end for dealing with it.

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i think you have derealisation and depersonalisation i dont think its hppd i dont think you have a visual disorder

the best stay of drugs and geth bizzy with wat help dont remembering your dissorder and give it a time and i believe you wil improve

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Thanks. I started taking inositol 2 grams and omega 3 fish oil 4 caps a day. I'm going to get back to the gym this week too. I' have windows and waves, but I meditated today and had a very good day so I'm going to try to stay positive . I have this tightness that I get in the back of my head that really makes me go crazy sometimes. Like there's a knot in my brain. It's got better since I came off the ganja and pain killers and benzos. For whatever reason this made Xanax withdrawal so terrible I didn't leave my house for close to 8 months a couple years ago. I hope no one ever has to go down that road. Stick to klonopin if you decide to use benzos. And don't take more than twice a week

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Oh man, I'm sorry to hear all this happened to you. It might be hard for you now, but at some point you will be grateful you made it through all of this. Hanging yourself is no way to go out.

 

Yes, MDMA is some nasty business. It really rocks your brain. I was completely out of sorts for 9 months after trying MDMA and probably still not 100 % recovered from that time even now 4 years + after. So I can relate somewhat to what you are describing. Most of what it does, I believe, is due to anxiety and depression stemming from MDMAs effect on your neurotransmitter balance and receptor densities. This will all heal up given sufficient time. What is important meanwhile is not to be overtaken by anxiety. When anxiety runs your life, you will be creating panic, despair and destructive ways of thinking which just makes things worse. The way out of this mess comes through patience and trust in the recovery process.

 

You seem to be taking some positive steps concerning your health. If you can keep that up, all through the dips and hardship, you will eventually come out on the other side. My best practical advice is taking good care of sleep, diet, exercise, social activites and spending time outside. 

 

I want to tell you this directly because you were close to death and have been given a second chance: I believe in prayer and the fact that God hears each and every of our prayers and wants us to involve in a loving relationship with Him. I have experienced and keep experiencing that when I lay my life down into the hands of God, He cares for me and leads me to recovery. I believe the same goes for every person. My advice for you is to open up your heart to Him and say a prayer unto Him. Give Him a chance and wait for Him to start working wonders in your life.

 

All the best.

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