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Hey guys, not sure if you remember me, but I was part of the old HPPDOnline.com before the site and all of it's data was lost. I recorded videos for that site as months went on talking about how life has been. Maybe you remember??

Jay and Merkan better. :P

Anyways, so here I am. Why? ... Anyone?

Because I was stupid enough to try smoking Marijuana again. I was curious to see how it would effect my symptoms. I missed the high as well, and wanted to feel it again. I wanted to feel unrestricted.

If you remember, I got this lovely vision back in May of 2008 when I was 17, going on 18 in June. It was hella scary, and I must of went to every single doctor title ever created only to be told in a "professionally nice" way, I was crazy.

I discovered HPPDOnline and the disorder itself through my mom after going a month of being completely frightened, clueless, house ridden, and suicidal. Google did the trick, and I met all of you inspirational guys.

You would think I would of learned my lesson right? I mean I got all of this from Marijuana alone, never did any other drug, and got quite the list of shit vision.

-Ghosting

-Static

-Trails

-Afterimages

-Awful trouble looking at anything white

-Peripheral color distortion

-Patterns, negative outlines, and flashes of light

-Starbursting

-Brain fog

-Derealization

-Depersonalization

And never being able to see the moon correctly again. I always see 1 and a distorted half. Thanks ghosting...

I never took medication because I didn't want to go through the scary withdrawal effects I have heard from some of you.

Anyways I smoked Marijuana with some friends two nights in a row and had absolutely no after effects. It made me sort of cocky, happy, and felt free. Was I finally able to smoke again with no nightmare awaiting afterwards?? Not that Marijuana was a big thing for me, but it certainly since 2008, has been my biggest mystery. How can Marijuana do so much damage? I've never dropped an Acid tab in my life, but I am certainly seeing like it! ...

Anyways so I was happy. Maybe my brain changed! I definitely knew my HPPD had significantly improved. Very slowly to the point of unnoticeable, but surely.

So what did I do? I smoked a few nights later with a different friend. Different weed. While I was high, I started seeing trails when moving my hands and I said out loud, "No no no... not again."

The trails never went away originally, but these ones while I was high was much more intense and lingered longer. I tried to stay calm, and I did. The visual static became more intense as well.

When I finally went to bed, I woke up with pretty bad derealization vision, and a little static. I was still able to get out and go to job interviews, put on a damn good act, and ace a job.

Two weeks later, (Now) HPPD has progressed significantly.

-Very thick static that flashes fast like a strobe light

-Ghosting

-Awful vivid trails. Turning pages in a training binder is just disgusting.

-Negative outlines of objects and people.

-Flashing lights for no reason.

-Detailed afterimages

And looking at anything white is god awful. It's bright, flickery, blotchy with black and other colors mixed in.

Just a mess...

HPPD progressed for me the same way after onset in '08, and hit a baseline after about 3 months.

This made me realize just how much I have healed since 2008. I think all I had left until two weeks ago, was trails and ghosting.

I know I got used to a fair amount over the years, but the vividness of all of it certainly died down.

So now I'm literally back to square one, but a square one with much more vividness.

I'm scared, frightened, insecure as hell, and house riddden. Well, I do get my ass out to go to work overnight, but that's about it, and it's so hard to do. I don't want to go back out and do what I've been doing. I.E. watch TV, go to Baseball games, drive around, go to familiar places, because I know I'll be freaked and sad when I see just how much these joys have changed visually...

I really hope I can still enjoy a Baseball game, but a lot of it is white, including the jerseys and ballpark soooooo . . .

I just really needed to vent to you guys. For those who don't know me, hi! Nice to meet you. For those who do, it's been a long time. How are you?

I'm just scared that my vision won't improve and this is what I'm left with. I smoked another time back in 2011, which is when I developed trails. Those never went away, but significantly decreased in vividness, and I got used to them, thus becoming part of my everyday life.

Do you guys share the same symptoms? Especially the white color problems?

What are your symptoms??

What would you rate my HPPD?

Texting this story from my phone is quite fun let me tell you! Had to turn the brightness down. ;) Regardless, I just really need to talk to someone who understands, and talking to you guys about this has made me feel a lot better.

Thanks for listening,

-GMAN

P.S. Here's a fairly recent picture of me since the profile picture uploader isn't coded correctly. I lost all my hair! Bruce Willis or NAW???

post-51070-0-96827200-1432942838_thumb.jpg

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Hi it was not a good move to smoke weed again buth yea its to late buth i hope and i think you wil recover more quickly this time because i think your brain has learn how to cure before mayby it wil find the old way again and do it a lot faster this time wish the best for you

I tryed weed 1 time in 3.5 years just i very littel joint and i goth a very bad trip from so weed or any other drugs i wil never try again even i am cured for me its going good right now i wil keep doing a few beers 2 times week and lot of sports and i quit al medications i have loose lot of time with waiting for the benefits of medication

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Hey G-Man, I remember you from back in the day :)

 

Just remember that you healed once before, so I can't see why you wont heal again.... Just do whatever it was you did before and wait it out.

 

Keep up the fight, Jay

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GOD me too. Anything deep blue, or white is pretty much a blur from a distance.

The visual static is much worse now. Everything is flickering, and it's driving me mad. Yuck.

How are you Jay? How's everything been??

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Not too bad mate, still soldiering on. Would love to say things have gotten better, hppd wise, but still in the same place. Life is generally ok though, back in UK and enjoying being with family and friends more.

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I did my longest run outside today buth the ground was breathing extremly when i was done i stoped i wanted to check if its still happing yea it was crazy i see it only when i stop look to the ground i just wach it 2 seconds and moved on i wil not stop and look again next time just ignore it after 10 minute i geth back to base line

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Nothing has let up J?

For me, I think it took... 2 years to pretty much heal 80% of the visual and cognitive disturbances. The things I had left was very faint visual snow, extreme sensitivity to anything deep red, or blue such as a business sign at night, and ghosting, but all of it became 2nd nature and never bothered me again. I would actually have fun squinting my eyes at lights to see them reach across the Earth. Lol so you just gotta have fun with it.

What a mind fuck. We sound so crazy on here, but it's a completely real disorder.

Have you not got used to your symptoms? It's been 20 years yeah? Does it keep you from happiness?? Honestly man I was so depressed, freaked, having panic attacks every single day... but I told myself that this isn't the life I was meant to live. Not like this. I've always been a positive enthusiast, so I literally embraced HPPD for all that it is.

It sounds crazy, but I just adapted to it so that I could rid myself of depression, be hella happy, love, laugh, and go on with life hitting harder than ever before. I let HPPD turn me into the best version of me. Even recently, I became a Security Guard, and within' 6 months, became a Site Supervisor. That's pretty much unheard of. And even now while I am completely surrounded in a new found and absolutely frightening more extreme version of visual static, I am learning to get used to, and live with it. The Onset was the WORST, and if I can get used to that, I can completely get used to this.

What symptoms exactly are keeping you bogged down?

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I guess I just make sure to remind myself that it could always be much MUCH worse...

Like somebody who's going blind, or for the person who is dying of ALS. I'm pretty sure the person who is losing their eyesight to the person who is being forced to watch their body become shriveled up and paralyzed except for maybe their eyeballs while being completely mentally sharp... would trade for HPPD any day of the week. With HPPD, you at least have a fighting chance.

I have a great friend with ALS, and mark my words when I say, "it has brought out the best version of him," despite his 2 to 5 year death sentence, and absolutely frightening day to day muscle atrophy.

What i'm trying to say is, if someone with ALS can not only keep living life, but inspire so many, and make ALS a world wide recognizable problem with just a simple dumping of a bucket full of ice on their head, we HPPDers can MOST CERTAINLY do the same and much MUCH more. You are still able to move, be independent, speak, breathe, wake up and stretch, hug and kiss the one you love, shower, enjoy a good meal, work hard, and play hard all on your own.

Now imagine if all that was taken from you?

HPPD ain't so bad.

In contrast, and this will sound cliche, they're are people out there dreaming of having your life. Visuals and all. So it's our job to start acting like it.

You're not dying, so go out and live life to the fullest!!!

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What symptoms exactly are keeping you bogged down?

 

Feeling like i am tripping. That is the be all, end all.

 

I have a handle on it, but cannot do things that come normal to most people, like working in an office... or day to day shit like going to the supermarket, spins my head too much. Even sitting and speaking to my mum or wife is hard work.

 

I am trapped in the last couple of hours of a strong trip.... the fun has gone, the visuals are less, the mind trip is less... But it all adds up to a pretty crippling disorder that can't be ignored in any way, shape or form.

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Sad to say... I'd happily trade 5 years with a functioning mind and cancer or similar, for 30 years with hppd. In fact, i'd fucking pay for that shit (and I am one of the more positive people here!)

 

Mental illness is far, far worse than any physical pain, imo. I've lost loved ones to cancer and it is awful to watch, but they still had peace of mind. That is something i've never had in my adult life. Not a single day.

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Not a full blown trip... the tail end. But that is 24/7

 

For most LSD users, the tail end is a nice place.... You are over the completely insane part of the trip and feel normality coming back... relief!

 

For me, i'm left in a limbo of "post trip" trippiness... visuals, anxiety, strange thought patterns, depression and generally feeling physically and mentally "wrong". 20 years of that takes it's toll.

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Not sure.... I just imagine mine is a very severe case.

 

Remember that i was doing 100s of Es, 100s of trips (lsd/shrooms) and was doing 5 grams of speed a week for a year or two. I probably did well to not be completely psychotic or dead :D

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LOL *tips shot glass with HPPD shades on*

Cheers to that.

We should make a comedic trilogy.

"GMAN and Jay VS. Night time"

Then the hit sequel,

"GMAN and Jay: Bottlecap Vision!"

And finally,

"GMAN and Jay go to Space... and there's static everywhere!!!"

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I did try Propranolol 20mg twice daily for anxiety, bad muscle tremors all over, and high blood pressure. (I clocked in at 150/110.) I started taking that and within' a week, my HPPD started creeping it's way back into my life. Quite quick. It brought awful DR vision, blurriness, light sensitivity, and ghosting.

So I stopped taking it cold turkey. The medication is designed to specifically block the beta waves in your brain, so I'm sure that had A LOT to do with the reoccurrence.

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Feeling like i am tripping. That is the be all, end all.

 

I have a handle on it, but cannot do things that come normal to most people, like working in an office... or day to day shit like going to the supermarket, spins my head too much. Even sitting and speaking to my mum or wife is hard work.

 

I am trapped in the last couple of hours of a strong trip.... the fun has gone, the visuals are less, the mind trip is less... But it all adds up to a pretty crippling disorder that can't be ignored in any way, shape or form.

This last part (don't know how to pull specific parts out of a quoted post) sums it up as well as I have ever heard it put.  This is happening to me precisely and has been for two decades.  Well put, Jay.  Thanks. I also relate completely to the absolute psychedelic explosion hiding behind every office job.

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