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Quest for meds and histrionics.


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After reading Rene's success story, I still hold out hope that Keppra might do the same for me. But unfortunately, the psychologists I've seen so far are so set in their ways and ignorant… They refuse to give me any medication.


I've just come out of a week of hell.  To be taken seriously, I agreed, out of desperation, to go to an inpatients clinic for teenagers who are extremely depressed and cut themselves, also a lot of anorexics there. The oldest of these while I was there was 13. The outpatient clinic told me there was no chance of getting meds if I didn't.


Yet again, I was made to fill in 10 long questionnaires designed to detect schizophrenia, OCD, psychopathy, etc. (becoming quite an expert with these). I submitted to (almost) full body search, blood/urine tests to rule out drug use, 3x daily blood pressure tests, daily weighing, bag searches. I have never self harmed, but for the safety of the others, my razor was locked away. No problem with that, except I had to convince a (male) psych, unfamiliar with my case, to lend it back to me for a shower. Also, no water bottle allowed in room…?!?


I had to explain my life story, multiple school changes, bullying etc. more than 10 times to a handful of psychs who were just puzzled and judgmental. I haven’t even smoked since November, but as the other inpatients weren't there for drug-related stuff, they just mentally tagged me as a drug addict. They admitted this was why I wasn’t allowed out unsupervised - in case I had a conveniently pre-arranged rendez-vous with my phantom dealer in the middle of a country field!


Over and over, I was asked by random professionals to describe my symptoms.  Either no one had bothered to read my notes, or they were trying to detect discrepancies. This didn’t feel friendly: more like an interrogation. Especially as I had to leave all my anxiety supps. at home (no magnesium allowed here!) No one believed me that the MRI scan, which was required before admission, has made my visuals a lot worse and added a new symptom to my list: tinnitus. No clinic is going to take responsibility for that. They didn’t even discuss the results of it with me or my parents (I am nearly 17), or acknowledge the results of the qEEG we gave them.


There was no recognition that HPPD symptoms contribute to anxiety, depression and feeling disconnected from others who don’t have it. No one seemed to be familiar with these symptoms, but neither did they admit that they knew nothing about HPPD. They even explained that in Germany, the term HPPD is not recognized and would only call it ‘Restzustände’ leftover effects after intake of hallucinogens.


The underlying assumption was that CBT and music therapy will reduce my double vision, severe trails, after-images etc…. to the point where I’ll be able to get back to school in September and function.


Every day, the other kids would be called into the office to get their pills… but not me. Since the course of Mirtazepine they gave me in January, which temporarily worsened my visuals, they were clearly shit scared to prescribe anything at all. They refused to discuss a timeframe for any medication. Even if they’d promised a trial with anti-epileptics after ‘x’ weeks observation, I’d have stayed it out there.


Icing on the cake: It seems that rather than admit their ignorance, it was easier to claim I was exaggerating, or attention seeking. When I finally left, the clinic had diagnosed me with possible histrionic personality disorder!


This was obviously the wrong place for me. I got no meds, but I’m so happy to be out!


Sorry about the long post. I just wanted to share this.

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StateOfRegret, thanks for the support!!


All the GP's I've seen react in the same way, sadly. They all seem very ignorant regarding HPPD.


One doctor has already tried putting me on Mirtazepine, to see if it takes my symptoms away, but it made them much worse. I told the other doctors this, and now they don't want to give me ANY kind of medication. They're all saying that it would be too risky…


But seriously, could Keppra do any harm? 


So, now I just have to sit here and wait. I feel so suicidal. I had to tell different psychs many times that I won't kill myself, and look them in the eyes, OTHERWISE, if they get the impression that I want to harm myself, I will be locked in an even stricter, more controlled institution - still with no medication.


Damn, they really know how to torture.


I am at a dead end right now. 

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