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I hate Winter/Christmas


bpl4269
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Not because of the holiday itself. Is because of the things that come with it. The bright Christmas lights at night that trace like crazy, the reflection of the sun off the snow that gives me after images about half the size of my visual field, the happiness that everyone else experiences around me about their Christmas presents when all I want for Christmas is to feel and see like a normal human being. Plus it has become a terrifyingly trivial occasion. No one asks what they can give to others. They just ask what others can give to them.

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Gosh, tell me about it. Christmas last year was an incredibly stressful experience for me. Thinking I might just bunker down and wait for all the celebrating to subside... I just can't handle the stress of interacting with my extended family; even before I had HPPD I barely got along with any of them, and now with the addition of their judgement/pity/misplaced advice/condescension etc. it's just intolerable... 

 

Plus, I guess just the whole atmosphere of all these people celebrating and enjoying life and love contrasts so dramatically with my depression and regret that it makes me feel considerably worse.

 

Thinking I might just go for a nice walk, possibly go to the movies on Boxing Day to see Nymphomaniac.

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Yeah I got really drunk last night and am experiencing pretty shitty DP today. ON CHRISTMAS OF ALL DAYS. PLUS I THOUGHT THAT SHIT HAD GONE FOR GOOD. Ironically i can smoke weed now, but not drink. Im just gonna go sober sober for a few months again and take my supplements. Hopefully it goes away.

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I didn't go and see my family this Christmas for the first time I actually made up a philosophical excuse which later I found buzzar. I thought to myself "This isn't me? I like to socialize, I haven't seen my brother in two years" I don't understand y I'm holding out on this gathering? Then I began to think a little bit deeper as I started to drift off asleep from semi-conscience to r.e.m. and had a vision not to be mistaken for a visual. The vision entitled me laughing with my family at my parents house then glancing at the lit up Christmas tree then looking at the white wall and not seeing the after image on it. So I repeated it over and over again there was still no intense blue or purple images on the wall that had been typical for 24 years of my life now. I instantly felt a feeling of relief where chains have been stripped from my body followed by a lightening bolt of happiness that electrified through my whole body. I swear I felt like I could move mountains the energy had no interference of fatigue just clarity. I never felt deranged into derealization or depersonalization what so ever it was pure genuine normality. I fucking truly felt it what a feeling and ironically enough being normal again would be my high now in regards to the status of my frame of mind currently.

I snapped out of my vision from the loud barks of my dogs, dam I was so upset I finally got a release a true escape while a tear of joy rolled down my cheek. Talk about a temporarily taste of ultimate ecstasy that I just could not spit out. I literally could have died in that moment of amazing tranquility let me tell u that if anything.

I started to wonder how did that happen? Y didn't I see or feel the symptoms of hppd in my vision or dream?? It was kind of odd to think that to say the least. After dwelling on it momentarily I proceeded to think dreams are not reality like when I had the most memorable one when I was twelve years old that I still remember to this day. It consisted of me fishing on my front lawn while hooking into a fish who tail walked to the sidewalk while hopping on my bike and riding away on it. I ran after it screaming "Give me my bike back now" I woke reciting the dream back in my head and laughing thinking that was crazy. So thinking about my vision or dream now it appears that normalization is the dream of non reality like the fish who stole my bike when I was twelve. That is fucking ludicrous!!!

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I didn't go and see my family this Christmas for the first time I actually made up a philosophical excuse which later I found buzzar. I thought to myself "This isn't me? I like to socialize, I haven't seen my brother in two years" I don't understand y I'm holding out on this gathering? Then I began to think a little bit deeper as I started to drift off asleep from semi-conscience to r.e.m. and had a vision not to be mistaken for a visual. The vision entitled me laughing with my family at my parents house then glancing at the lit up Christmas tree then looking at the white wall and not seeing the after image on it. So I repeated it over and over again there was still no intense blue or purple images on the wall that had been typical for 24 years of my life now. I instantly felt a feeling of relief where chains have been stripped from my body followed by a lightening bolt of happiness that electrified through my whole body. I swear I felt like I could move mountains the energy had no interference of fatigue just clarity. I never felt deranged into derealization or depersonalization what so ever it was pure genuine normality. I fucking truly felt it what a feeling and ironically enough being normal again would be my high now in regards to the status of my frame of mind currently.

I snapped out of my vision from the loud barks of my dogs, dam I was so upset I finally got a release a true escape while a tear of joy rolled down my cheek. Talk about a temporarily taste of ultimate ecstasy that I just could not spit out. I literally could have died in that moment of amazing tranquility let me tell u that if anything.

I started to wonder how did that happen? Y didn't I see or feel the symptoms of hppd in my vision or dream?? It was kind of odd to think that to say the least. After dwelling on it momentarily I proceeded to think dreams are not reality like when I had the most memorable one when I was twelve years old that I still remember to this day. It consisted of me fishing on my front lawn while hooking into a fish who tail walked to the sidewalk while hopping on my bike and riding away on it. I ran after it screaming "Give me my bike back now" I woke reciting the dream back in my head and laughing thinking that was crazy. So thinking about my vision or dream now it appears that normalization is the dream of non reality like the fish who stole my bike when I was twelve. That is fucking ludicrous!!!

 

Were all here for the ride.

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