Identity/Morals lost

[bpl4269]

Ever since this depersonalization started along with the hppd I feel as if ive lost my morals/identity. I dont give a fuck about anything or anyone else anymore. I feel like such a selfish piece of shit. Ive just got this fuck the world mentality and its truly no way to live your life. I used to take such pride in being a good person no matter what. Now I feel like all I think about is myself and I absolutely hate myself for it. I dont know what to do or how to feel anymore. I feel like the bitter fucked up person I used to be in high school. Honestly, this world would be a better place without me. It feels like I went from an incredibly meaningful existence to a disturbingly pointless chasm of eternal darkness that I dare call my life. I struggle to find meaning in my life every day but its as if its vanished. It feels like every day im mourning the loss of the happy go lucky, giving, carefree person I used to be. Its like ive lost someone very close to me and where there used to be happiness, all that remains is a lifetime of regret and sadness. Will I ever find the person I used to be again? Im slowly losing hope... sorry, had to get that off my chest.

[bpl4269]

Pretty sure im bipolar as well. Im so fucked. Lyme disease, hppd, and bipolar! I dont think life could get any worse at this point.

[ferret]

HPPD is very hard to deal with for a while just make the most of it untill it gets better.

 

Why do you think you are bipolar? Everyone has a lot of up and down emotions in the early part of HPPD (or they just have the down emotions, which is certainly worse). A lot of people dont understand bipolar disorder correctly. Shifting from manic to depressive episodes that last at least a week (ussually a lot longer) is bipolar disorder. If the episodes don't last at least a week its not bipolar.

Anyways I think you have a much better chance than most to recover so keep your head up.

Its good that you take pride in your morals, it seems to me that if you are morning the loss of them you must still have them or you wouldn't want them anyways (I hope that makes sense to you).

Things will get better, they might get worse first (I saw improvement several times before regressing and going through a week of hell on the road to recovering) but they will eventually get better. Relax and do what you can now so you are in the best possible position when you do recover.

Good Luck!

[bpl4269]

HPPD is very hard to deal with for a while just make the most of it untill it gets better.

 

Why do you think you are bipolar? Everyone has a lot of up and down emotions in the early part of HPPD (or they just have the down emotions, which is certainly worse). A lot of people dont understand bipolar disorder correctly. Shifting from manic to depressive episodes that last at least a week (ussually a lot longer) is bipolar disorder. If the episodes don't last at least a week its not bipolar.

Anyways I think you have a much better chance than most to recover so keep your head up.

Its good that you take pride in your morals, it seems to me that if you are morning the loss of them you must still have them or you wouldn't want them anyways (I hope that makes sense to you).

Things will get better, they might get worse first (I saw improvement several times before regressing and going through a week of hell on the road to recovering) but they will eventually get better. Relax and do what you can now so you are in the best possible position when you do recover.

Good Luck!

Basically I believe im bipolar because after my first time taking lsd I experienced only what I could describe as intense euphoria and everything seemed so meaningful to me. Basically mania. I was so happy, but after the third time I tripped I became extremely depressed/depersonalized with suicidal thoughts. It feels like ive been at two totally opposite ends of the spectrum and my mood is very unpredictable. Ive got problems with my identity too which is very common with bipolar. I feel like I no longer know who I am and what I stand for. I also have a very addictive personality. I even picked up the habit of smoking recently. Helps me clear my head. Cant imagine it helps long term though. I regret ever starting.

[bpl4269]

I also get manic when I take over 1 mg of klonopin. I take risks, do stupid shit, and I also have problems spending too much money.

[ferret]

LSD will take you to the extremes whether its mania or depression can depend on a lot of factors but I certainly don't think you are bipolar from what you've said so far. You also can't be diagnosed with it if the episodes are directly due to drug use (klonopin included)

 

Stop smoking now, its not gonna get any easier to quit later so do it now. It will feel good to exercise your self control too, I'm assuming you'd like to have self control as part of the identity that you are struggling to re-find so start with quitting smoking. You can do it, dont make excuses, its hard but possible so get it done.

[bpl4269]

LSD will take you to the extremes whether its mania or depression can depend on a lot of factors but I certainly don't think you are bipolar from what you've said so far. You also can't be diagnosed with it if the episodes are directly due to drug use (klonopin included)

 

Stop smoking now, its not gonna get any easier to quit later so do it now. It will feel good to exercise your self control too, I'm assuming you'd like to have self control as part of the identity that you are struggling to re-find so start with quitting smoking. You can do it, dont make excuses, its hard but possible so get it done.

You always ease my mind man, thanks. :-) youve been a good friend to me on these forums and for that I am eternally grateful. Ive been having so many ups and downs lately, its so disconcerting.

[ferret]

Ups and downs are normal. Sometime when my connection is better I'll copy and paste some of my old posts to show how up and down I was for a while. It wasn't rare for me to go from "I'm 99% cured" to considering suicide in just a few days time. Luckily I've stabilized and really am 99% back to normal now. just give it time

[bpl4269]

Ups and downs are normal. Sometime when my connection is better I'll copy and paste some of my old posts to show how up and down I was for a while. It wasn't rare for me to go from "I'm 99% cured" to considering suicide in just a few days time. Luckily I've stabilized and really am 99% back to normal now. just give it time

Did you work when you were dealing with hppd? If so how did you cope on a day to day basis? This is probably the toughest thing I must deal with mentally.

[Jay1]

I was angry at the world (and myself) for several years, but it faded after time. Just try to keep in mind that, although we are unlucky and this shit is very bad, we can still go on to have a decent enough life.... unlike many others who get afflicted with terrible illnesses.

 

As for the bi-polar.... I have two friends with bi-polar ..... I'd say the easiest way to spot it is when they are on the up, manic and hyper. You can tell they are out of control and unpredictable. Everyone has lows, alot of people have heavy lows.... But not many have those hyper, manic episodes.

 

I also heard somewhere that if you are worried about hearing voices... if you hear the voices in your head... you don't have bi-polar or schizophrenia, but if you hear the voices with your ears (ie, in the outside world) then you likely have an illness.

[ferret]

I didn't work when it was bad but I did go to school, it was just highschool so it wasn't that difficult but it was helpful to keep my mind off of HPPD.

[bpl4269]

I didn't work when it was bad but I did go to school, it was just highschool so it wasn't that difficult but it was helpful to keep my mind off of HPPD.

Kinda wish I kept going to my college classes. Wouldve been good exposure therapy for dp.