Everyday life.

[se7ven]

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[morbide]

Hi, i cought hppd during my last year in school, which is the easiest year in Sweden. Now i'm working 9-12 hour shifts in a crowded factory enviroment and it works out just fine since i don't really have the time to worry about hppd. And at work, our lamps give away a yellowish light which makes my visual snow less noticable. Motivation is key! How about you?

[se7ven]

i'm working five days a week, and i do alot of exercise to keep up with myself. but socialy i feel like shit because i have trouble keeping up with others in coversations and remembering things and listen to the conversations bacause off all the other things my mind is focused on:) but i'm working fine but not as god as i should be. But i'm pushingt trough everyday, soon to start on medicine:)

[Jay1]

i'll not lie... not a day or even hour goes by that my life feels even close to normal. working, chatting, going to the shops, having a meal, watching tv etc... all just a strange trip.

The only things that get me close to normal are alcohol, benzos and very immersive and dangerous sports, like surfing huge waves (never all 3 at the same time though!)

I guess the upside is that I now consider tripping as being fairly normal. I can cope, but I always feel 1mm away from complete madness.

[mgrade]

Damn jay.......i feel ya, brother........In the last 5 years, my life has been very similar to that. ........I look at it like this now a bit: its like driving through a rain storm: the reality isn't everything that you see that is being refracted by the water and raindrops, the reality is what's beyond it. So other words, you don't run off the road because you can't see, but you try to "see" beyond the windshield, reorganize the road ahead and you compensate for the distortions.

I have had a low level trip for a while now. And I have been in a psyche ward before. I am close to madness. But everyday, i know, is a step in the right direction (esp. as i stay sober). As somebody who has virtually recovered before, i know it is possible.

[Monkey_magic]

I've held down menial jobs mainly. Allthough I consider myself to be pretty well read and bright enough to do better in any other 'un hppd' sense. I think, emotionally, physically, cognitively, I'm a fraction of the person I would have been if I had never come down with it. I don't over think this any more, it is what it is but it is the case. What fraction? Hmm, sometimes I think I'm a quarter of the person I could have been but that a huge overestimation. I'm more like a tenth of the potential I could have been. Was my life really mapped out for this to occur? Has it made me a better person than I would have been? Who knows? Maybe in my sliding doors moment I never got hppd but I ended up a junkie, and caused untold pain. Fuck knows. It's hard not to get existential sometimes.

I'm the same, there's not much I do that completely releases me from the hppd. I'm either one side of the precipice or the other slipping to get over the other side.

[mgrade]

I'm the same. I am a tenth of who i was. ..........Having come out of the haze before, I can tell you that you don't get anything out of it except for patience. ....It's sad because what is really put into perspective is mortality: where i really feel like i am dying. There was such hope for us: we could have changed the world. Today we are lucky to cope with the world as it is.

I am tired all the time and often feel sick and disoriented. All the progress that i have made in the last 10 years has basically come to naught. ...... And age and gravity beat me into a rusty cage.

I find that there are little who i can trust, and most do not have my best interests in mind. ............I see some light very far in the distance, but right now i feel that this is a wasted life.

This is a cold world. ..........And somehow things always seem to get fcked-up.

[Monkey_magic]

Now thats existential bud! Lol. Yeah, getting older boxes everyone into their own wee corner, just one of our few 'gifts' is having the clarity and wherewithall to see it. This perception part of our lovely disorder. I think it enables me (at times) to

To see life from a completely different plane. Its almost like i study human behaviour like its a wildlife documentary, lol. However 'evolved' our brains supposedly are. And i notice subtle nuances in peoples conversations and moods more than i would have pre hppd.

On the downside, when im as far from my baseline as i can be and at my worst, the dp/dr almost seizury type moments make me see how insignificant we all really are. Like microbes in the grand scheme of things. Pretty unsettling. Mortality doesnt phase me (hppd or not Its one thing weve all got in common) , its actuality that phases me more lol.

As long as i get to the end not having broken too many ten commandments (or the biggies at least) then il be relatively pleased with my innings. Not that im particularly religious, but spose the ten commandments is a kinda morale template. Karma as well. Just hold a lot of doors open for old ladies and the jobs a goodun.

[Monkey_magic]

It is a cold world but evolution says even us hppdrs can adapt to our environment too. Maybe after world war three, the only survivors will be cochroaches and hppdrs. Lol.

[mgrade]

we are cockroaches........lol j/k

[Jay1]

As long as i get to the end not having broken too many ten commandments (or the biggies at least)

I can tell by your photo that you have probably coveted a few of your neighbour's oxs. Possibly the worst sin of the lot.

[mgrade]

LMAO.

C'mon Jay, be nice.

Just because he's got his tongue out doesn't mean he's humping the livestock.

LOL

[Jay1]

haha, he does look like he might be in a barn though

[mgrade]

I believe those are barn-rafters behind him

[Monkey_magic]

It was in a (supposed) 5* Egyptian hotel. Not barn-like in the least. Lol. Not coveted any oxen in a while. Neighbours or not. :/

[mgrade]

That's good. At least you've made some strides in terms of preventing recidivism ................lol j/k...

[Monkey_magic]

I had to look that one up lol. Thought it was maybe male pattern baldness related.

[se7ven]

Are you guys still on drugs?

[mgrade]

No.....but the hallucinations never seemed to go away.....lol

[se7ven]

Hahaha. How long have you been sober?

[myrslingerbult]

My HPPD is so bad that i can only be at home and meeting doctors once a week. My depersonalization and cognitive dysfunction are really bad.

[mgrade]

myrslinger- I totally understand buddy.

se7en- I've been sober almost 5 years.

[Monkey_magic]

I still drink n get 'high' on benzos sometimes. Trying to 'escape'. I've really learned my lesson huh? I've not been in control of my hppd for ages though. Once I find something that tames the beast ill stop all the shit fucking about. After my first bout at 21 I had it on the ropes for a good few years but it fought back. But it kinda proves to me that in the right circumstances, attitude and meds I can wrestle it back sometime.

Myrslinger - yip. Keep your head up mate, it'll ease with time.

[stimulatingdistraction]

I can handle going spearfishing every day.. great source of exercise as well when the current is pumpin. Though sometimes it's difficult not to go full blown panic attack with the occasional shark chasing me around wanting a bite of my catch. Looking for job again, a while back I was working customer service and anxiety/panic attacks got to me. My symptoms are much more tolerable than they were 3 years ago but that's one of the things that still gets to me. Would prefer to have a janitorial job of some sort, or farming.. something not too social. Scared to go back to college because I wouldn't want to have to give any sort of presentation, otherwise I'd try for associates degree. At that point now that all the difficult symptoms are mild and I can keep track of myself and the day for the most part, feel like ready to try life again. Just have to be a little bit choosy about which jobs to take.. which makes it difficult. It's hard to secure any type of job, and most here are customer service related. Hoping something with housekeeping/inventory/dishwashing/farming/etc comes through.. applied many places... the goal now is to make some growth socially, sorta why I joined up here. Easier to converse with you guys vs everyone else. Have felt slightly better since I came here, didn't think I would.. so very thankful for that, and everyone here.

[Jay1]

my friend goes spearfishing here in portugal.... looks amazing. Could you make a living from that?