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What the Fuck


ferret
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Thanks to anyone who reads this whole thing. I didn't mean to make it so long.

I've been doing really well. For the last month I've had basically no symptoms other than snow in the dark. Last night and ecspeacially this morning have been fucked. Yesterday was the fourth so I went to see fireworks. I stupidly started worrying that the fireworks were somehow going to give me visuals and that fear (even though I knew it was stupid) aloing with the loud bangs from the fireworks increased my anxiety a bit. i then went to a small party where some people were smoking weed. I explained to them why I couldn't smoke and they were cool about it but they were smoking and since HPPD I get scared every time I'm around pot that I'm going to get a second-hand high and fuck up my HPPD. I reallly dont think that I could have inhaled enough smoke last night to effect me but my tolererance is low and I was feeling knd of goofy after a while (i usualy do when I'm tired).

Anyways the fear of getting worse from second-hand pot smoke also increased my anxiety and I started to notice a little snow in darker areas (but lighter than where I usually see snow). Anyways I went Home and tried to get to sleep but I started noticing CEVs again. Honestly the CEVs didn't bother me and I kind of enjoyed them because they have become so rare now and I got to sleep. This morning I woke up at like 5 (I planned to get up at 8) and tried to get back to sleep but I was really distracted thinking about something urelated so I stayed awake in bed for a while. I started to realize that I was having nonsensical thoughts. I was like imagining someone telling me a story in my head and all the sudden realised it and didn't know where I had gotten the story from, i couldn't really remember it but it had something to do with the narator buying somehing (I know that sounds fucking insane but I was half asleep so it really wasn't that fucked up, it used to happen a lot when I first got HPPD). It didn't really bother me because it used to happen a lot so i just thought it was kind of funny.

Remember that I have slept with a light on since HPPD. The following event became really hard to remember almost imediately after it happened so I'll try to give the best account that I can. All of the sudden I felt like something was really wrong I tryed looking to the side of my bed but my feild of vision was really small like my eyes were half open (although they may have either been fully open or fully closed). When I looked beside the foot of my bed I noticed that my fan was on even though I knew it had been unplugged for the past week because I got an A/C. I suddenly felt the rush of the air flow over me and a chill come over me. I started to shake but there were fewer yet larger shakes that I usually have. I worried that someone must be in my room (I sleep with my door locked) and must have just turned the fan on. I tryed looking up towards my head but it felt like it took forever to change where I was looking. Suddenly I heard the voice Of someone I know saying "Garrett, I'm right here" or something like that in a really creepy way. The person whos voice I heard was pretty random, I know them well enough to recognize their voice but they aren't a significant part of my life and I don't even think I've seen them for a month. Anyways as I heard the voice my vision shifted up enough to see the speaker laying beside me (but up a little higher up on the bed). They were wearing dark colors and my vision never shifted up enough to see their face.

Before I saw their face I "came to". The fan was off and I was alone. I'm not sure if my eyes were open or closed for this "dream" but the room was portrayed quite accurately in it other than the fan. Somehow I wasn't that panicked from it and managed to keep my composure and just layed in bed for a little while. For a second I was shaking in my bed the same as I had been in the "dream". I'm not really sure if this was another Hypnagogic hallucination or if I'm going completely insane. The barrier between the "dream" and "coming to" seemed very thin, it didn't feel like waking up, Its hard to describe, maybe it was just that way because the anxiety had me wake up so quickly.

I really Hope that I'm not schitzo. Does this experience sound familliar to anyone? What are your thoughts on it? Any imput is apreciated right now cause I'm kind of shaken at the moment.

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Sometimes when I'm going to sleep I'll just doze off for 5 minutes and think about some crazy shit and be convinced that something is the way it is (ie last night this happened. I dozed off for a couple minutes thinking about 'my cat'...I came to in a couple of minutes, remembered I don't have a cat, and then went to sleep). I wouldn't worry about it dude. Weird shit happens all the time before/during/after sleep, and hallucinations associated with sleeping are perfectly normal. From the little I know about schizophrenia, that doesn't sound like it. It sounds more like psychosis to me, but I don't mean to scare you. Do you have a history of mental illness in your family? I do and I'm scared shitless something's gonna happen to me.

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Stuff like that cat used to happen to me every night for the first few weeks of HPPD. I found out after I got HPPD that my uncle was schitzophrenic. It scares the shit out of me that I could lose my mind but I figure that there still is less than a 50% chance of that happening. That hallucination wouldn't have been that bad but it was just weird that It seemed to happen with me in such a weird state where I wasn't really sure if I was half asleep or just crazy, "waking up" didn't feel right, its so hard to describe. I guess as long as I only hallucinate on the edge of sleep I still have nothing to worry about. Otherwise normal people often have Hypnagogic hallucinations in which they seee cameras dropping from the ceiling of their room aand think theyre being spied on or think they're being swarmed by spiders and I did have one case of sleep paralysis prior to HPPD.

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yeah i wouldnt worry, shit like that can be normal in a sense. i used to sorta like, think i was conversating with someone famous, sorta wake up roll over grumpy id broken the conversation...its nothing to worry about man.

the difference between mental illness and not is the fact you know that was bullshit...your not sitting talking to people who arnt there you know. you saw some wierd shit...you know it was wierd

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Yeah but I didn't think it was weird at the time, I was really afraid that their was someone in my room, even if that was probably only for like10-30 seconds. I think its weird how I can barely remember the event now. I've been a little reassured because I was basically imobile during the event so I must have been at least partly asleep but its still the most concerning hallucination I've had. I don't think I'm schitzo but my head is really fucked up. My visuals have been back to normal today but my anxiety is high and I feel depressed.

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What about rem behavior disorder which is basically dream reenactment. You might want to have a sleep study if your worried. It seems when we have hppd we blame it on everything your anxiety was high already you were tired some times strange things just happen. I'm sure when your anxiety level decreases you will be fine. Get your mind off it go exercise or think of a new hobby anything to stop thinking about it.

If you still have problems with dreams and sleep you should see your doc and ask for a sleep study. Don't WORRY about going nuts we all have the same thing you do and we are all still here and this may be totally unrelated to hppd.

If you tried a new med. that could be it as well.

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Thanks but I don't take any meds and I've already had a sleep study. My luck is so bad, when I had the study done I was having issues almost every single night, but that night I slept fine so it was useless. I slept well last night and feel normal again., but Im still kind of freaked out.

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Try not to worry, we are all in the same boat as you. You will get better every day is a new day we all have ups and downs and strange side effects from hppd. Your anxiety level is high so when anything happens to you it's magnified. I do this to myself all the time in my mind it's so much worse then it really is.

Some people will do more then just one sleep study so keep that in mind if it starts happining more. If your ins. Will cover it.

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