cosmiccharlie

@Hall89 @Jacob Lesley I am from the US.  Perhaps we could Zoom one of these days.  Have a good day!

Not rude at all.  I drank through the first recovery.  I'm not sure whether it hindered it or not but as a life decision independent of HPPD, staying sober is something I need to do.  As far as supplements are concerned, I spent a lot of time trying different things and in the end I think it was a waste of money, time and created anxiety.  I really think a healthy diet is all one needs unless you're actually deficient in some material. Today I do take vitamin D, fish oil and vitamin B since I'm a vegetarian.  The one supplement I think maybe help was curcumin/turmeric but you can just get this through diet (my wife is Indian so we eat plenty of turmeric).  

For me, I am an alcoholic so the answer is no; haven't had a drink in about 3 years.   Once you recover you will probably be able to drink.  

you can find my story here: 

I have made a full recovery on more than one occasion.  For me, this looked like: feeling like my old self, able to function, intelligent, outgoing... However, for me there were some lingering visuals but they became like background noise.  I barely noticed them and they didn't cause any anxiety or interfere with my life in anyway.  Remember, I excessively tripped (15 hits of good acid in one night for example). so long term effects are not surprising.  My visuals will likely never go away. 

You are very young,  the mind will recover just keep doing what you're doing.  For me, with all my struggles I am now a productive member of society, in graduate school and getting a PhD in math.  I also have a family, successful marriage and active social life.  You will get all of these things and much more if you want as long as you stay positive, and not lose hope. 

Hi Jacob,

You will recover just give it time.  If you are off the SSRI for 10 days that's probably affecting the way you feel as well.  Did you taper off or just stop?  These meds are funny, they work well for some but not for others.  It's important to remember it can take a few months for your mind to stabilize once you start or stop the medication.  I highly recommend speaking to a doctor and telling them what you are telling us.  There is a possibility of suicidal thoughts as a result of the SSRI so it's definitely possible that your situation is a result of this,  I'm sure they can give you good advice.

As far as feeling helpless, I've been there many times myself.  Remember, this too shall pass.  This is a difficult time in your life but remember that you will recover if you keep doing the right thing.  One step at a time, one hour one moment.  I like to think hard times are like climbing a mountain, it can seem endless, miserable and hopeless.  But, put one foot in front of the other and over time you eventually reach the summit and can finally remember why you kept going.  Recovering from this disorder is extraordinarily difficult but remember that if you are alive, you are human and posses intrinsic value.  You will find your value again just believe that you will.  

Take Care,

Nick 

36 minutes ago, Fawkinchit said:

Never will I understand why so many people want to do hallucinogens after getting HPPD.

I think it's some form of insanity or delusion.  I myself have had HPPD for over 13 years and still haven't completely shut the door on hallucinogens.  I know it's crazy and potentially harmful but the pull is still there.  I haven't tripped in about 3 years and my symptoms are pretty mild.  It's weird I know. 

It's impossible to put an accurate time frame on it but just give it a few months.  Put your mind and body in a position to recover and it will.  

I agree with Jay that your body is sending you a signal.  Whether you have HPPD or not is not something one can say with certainty, however I would strongly encourage you to follow a simple regiment to help your body and mind recover:

• Stop all drugs (even alcohol for a bit if you can) 
• Get as much sleep as you can 
• Exercise regularly even if it makes your symptoms worse
• Eat well 
• Stay busy with work/ school/ hobby etc
• Try not to worry 
• Learn to meditate if you can (this was really helpful for me) 
• If you're open to it, start praying to God (it doesn't have to be any particular religion and you don't even have to believe in anything just ask for help on your knees everyday.  I really believe help will come if we reach out)

Also keep in mind that if you do have HPPD, cannabis tends to exacerbate the symptoms so I would recommend stopping (at least temporarily) if it is part of your life.  

Take Care,

Nick 

On 4/16/2021 at 9:54 AM, Reflector said:

Hi folks,

I'm glad to have found this place. I 'm 50 now, been around the block many, many times but just recently (well several months ago) decided for a lark to indulge in a stash of acid I'de been hoarding for 10 years or so. The trip was great but with a pretty hard comedown, and it felt a little odd, not like the acid I was used to, but still kind of like acid. I'm a veteran and so I know my way around the 'usual' acid variations, and this was definitely just...different. Less visual, hard to put my finger on it.

A week later I had some beers, smoked some weed and woke up kind of tripping and in an anxiety spiral. I was trapped, like behind a pane of glass, like my consciousness had sheared off from the surface of my perceptions and I had no traction. I was really just struggling to hold it together. If it wasn't for the fact that I've rode out a few shitty or intense trips I probably would have outright panicked. Oh, also the trails came back full force, but it was the splitting off that was deeply disturbing, the trails were not really bothersome.

It was weird, I could do my work (thank god for lockdown and work from home) and it seemed even extra bizarre that I was somehow disconnectedly competent even though I felt like something had broken in my brain. In fact work distraction helped - being alone in the dark was bad, and mornings brought anxiety escalations that took a while to bring into a functional level.

Anyway, I count myself lucky. After several days I could kind of push my consciousness forward through the glass layer and for a few seconds I could connect with reality again. I remember almost crying with relief when that happened, it was like being able to take a tiny breath of hope. Anyway, I practised that pushing and gradually over a couple of months things kept improving. I had broken my toe and that was healing so I started exercise again and that helped more. Gradually the shearing off sensation reduced and I became kind of normal I guess. 

It's several months later I have trails permanently and I suffer from anxiety, and if things are really stressful I feel sort of a bit split off again. I wake most mornings in an anxious weird state but even 10 minutes of exercise kind of washes it away. Some days better, some days worse. I'm not the same and it's sometimes hard to tell how much I have just maybe got used to it, but I am thankful that I am substantially OK. I can connect with people (my young daughter especially) and that is what counts.

It feels somehow conforting to know I am not alone in this. I have so much empathy for the folks accounts I have read here, and I have only had a small taste of what some of you are living with. 

There's not much more to say - I understand why such a forum can't have too much traffic, even just focusing on it enought to introduce myself kind of brings it back.

Regardless, in my way, I see you. Thank you for sharing.

Hello Friend, 

Welcome to the forum!  Yes, traffic has slowed considerably in the past few months; hasn't always been like this.  I have lived with this condition for about 13 years, I am currently in my early 30s with a family and in graduate school.  It has certainly complicated my life but it also has forced me to take better care of myself, consistently practice meditation and stay completely sober in order to have a normal life.  I recently ingested some weed after about 2.5 years of complete sobriety in an attempt to improve emotional wellbeing and stimulate creativity.  It wasn't the best idea and I feel likeI took a few steps back but I feel hopeful that things will return to baseline overtime. 

In the past, I have made at least two recoveries into feeling like myself post psychedelic adventures.  It takes time, patience and some hope but it will get better.  As you can imagine, probably the worst thing one can do is continue to use drugs.  However, we don't always behave rationally when emotions are involved and some of us (like me) have to learn the hard way.  

The best advice I can give you is to keep doing what you're doing.  Give it time, try not to focus on it, stay positive and keep exercising! Additionally, quality sleep seems to help and sleep deprivation can exacerbate symptoms.  Meditation has also really helped me climb out of the web of despair and feel normal again. Keep reaching out, I'd love to hear how things turn out for you.  

Take Care,

Nick 

Hello Friend, 

Welcome to the forum!  Yes, traffic has slowed considerably in the past few months; hasn't always been like this.  I have lived with this condition for about 13 years, I am currently in my early 30s with a family and in graduate school.  It has certainly complicated my life but it also has forced me to take better care of myself, consistently practice meditation and stay completely sober in order to have a normal life.  I recently ingested some weed after about 2.5 years of complete sobriety in an attempt to improve emotional wellbeing and stimulate creativity.  It wasn't the best idea and I feel likeI took a few steps back but I feel hopeful that things will return to baseline overtime. 

In the past, I have made at least two recoveries into feeling like myself post psychedelic adventures.  It takes time, patience and some hope but it will get better.  As you can imagine, probably the worst thing one can do is continue to use drugs.  However, we don't always behave rationally when emotions are involved and some of us (like me) have to learn the hard way.  

The best advice I can give you is to keep doing what you're doing.  Give it time, try not to focus on it, stay positive and keep exercising! Additionally, quality sleep seems to help and sleep deprivation can exacerbate symptoms.  Meditation has also really helped me climb out of the web of despair and feel normal again. Keep reaching out, I'd love to hear how things turn out for you.  

Take Care,

Nick 

On 4/17/2021 at 4:48 AM, Hall89 said:

Yea, ain't that the truth! But besides going fully or partly blind this is on the top of the worst things that could've happened to me. I'm serious when i say that i would rather have lost both my legs than this because, because the top things that i love doing here in life is working in photoshop and gaming, now i can't do neither, or well, i "can", but it looks like shit, so it just makes me more depressed and reminds me of what i've lost. 

That's comforting to hear, that this actually can decrease or go away! Because you're not only saying it to make me and others feel better/give us hope right? But i'm glad that you got a clear vision back, because the VS is literally breaking my balls. Same with your afterimages, thankfully i don't have that! How long did it take for that to go away for you? What did the experiment with weed result in? And what in gods name drove you to try that again?

I will do my best mate, and that is very true! I have much experience with injuries, so one would quess that i'd be a pro at this by now. But this is different since there's so little research and so many question marks around it, so with an injury i 100% know that it will heal, but with this there's not that guarantee and many seem to be stuck with it for life, and the not knowing is a nightmare of it's own. But i know that acceptance and trying to not think about it is the only way i'll be able to go on while this hopefully do heal, but every part of my body is fighting it and i have such a hard time accepting that something so life ruining have happened because of two shitty puffs of cannabis. I'm not kidding, if i had the ability to vape every drug that can cause this of the face of the earth i would have done it in an instant, because no know should ever have to go through this shit.

Thanks for answering, i appreciate it!

 

The afterimages went away over the course of a few months I believe and no I am not pulling your chain about my symptoms getting better.  They really have and I am extremely grateful for that.  As for the weed, I found myself in an emotional hole about 1.5 months ago with deep depression and high anxiety.  When talking to a therapist, she mentioned that I may have PTSD from various childhood and military events.  I live in a state in the US where medical marijuana is legal and it's pretty easy to get a prescription so I did.  Weed had helped me out of funks in the past and at this point I had been fully sober from all drugs and alcohol for over 2.5 years so I said let's try it.  I ended up eating edibles 4 times over the course of one month.  I think it did something spiritual for me but ultimately it made me realize that at my core I am an addict and if I want to have a happy, successful life I cannot have drugs alcohol in it.  As for the symptoms, like I said for me I have always had some level of visual distortion in the form of trails and undulating surfaces (again I at 15 hits of acid in one night 13 years ago plus many other trips).  The weed seems to have slightly increased the intensity of these visuals and made me feel a little spacey and less sharp.  I believe this will go away with time as it has in the past.  Overall, it was probably a reckless experiment but when one is desperate you get to the point in which you are willing to try anything.  

Hang in there, you'll be okay just give it 6 months and see where you're at then.  I think you have a good shot at a full recovery. 

I think you should talk to your doctor at this point.  Like I said, I am not qualified to give medical advice I only know what has helped and hurt me.  Try and stay calm, you will get through this.  

2 hours ago, Hall89 said:

May i ask how your VS was when you had it? Did you see it pretty much everywhere when you were inside or if you looked at the sky? And if you look at a white wall now, is there really nothing? The VS is without a doubt my worst symptom along with not feeling completely awake/clear in my head. I was at the gym today and when i looked in the mirror that was about 10 meters away i couldn't see my face because it was so grainy/blurry, almlst made me cry. So the VS really has taken my ability to see things clear in the distance.

God i hate this fucking disorder, and what pisses me of the most is how unfair it is, i mean, i know people that have smoked cannabis on almost a daily basis for 5+ years with no consequences, and here i try it for the fourth time in my entire life (only two hits) and gets the worst god damn disorder one can get from psychedelics.

The funny thing is that i didn't think that things could get much worse in my life before getting this since i had been battling a fatigue syndrome for almost a year (insomnia, inability to handle stress, anxiety etc), two herniated discs for a couple of years that gives me chronic pain, the passing of a good friend a few months ago, a couple of muscle tears in november that robbed me of my training and made me unable to work and on top of that relationship problems with my fiancee and love of my life and an increased migraine frequency. All this shit was actually the reason for trying the weed; i wanted to get a small break from everything. It's like there's someone up there that has made it his or hers life goal to crack me!

Sorry, i just had to let that out. But seriously, fuck life! I really wish that i never had been born and now i'm to much of a coward to end this nightmare, i quess it's that small piece of hope that some do seem to get a reduction in symptoms or fully diminsh that keeps me from the noose. But there's so few success stories out there so i have a hard time believing that any of this actually can get any better and that those that claim it just have gotten used to their symptoms.

Things can always get worse unfortunately, and sometimes we don't realize how much we have until it's gone (cliche but seemingly true). 

As for my VS, today it is gone but when I did have it it was very scary and made me feel extremely guilty.  I think it was the first thing to go and I'm not sure it ever came back.  This was about 12 years ago when I was at the tail end of my first round of psychedelic adventures.  It was a gradual reduction that was difficult to notice until a few months into recovery.  When I did have it, it was definitely bad.  Now when I look at a white wall, I see swirling colors and minor surface vibration.  It's not very intense and I can manage it.  One of the symptoms that bothered me the most was afterimages.  If I looked at a stop sign for example then looked away I would see a very clear image of the shape, the letters which would change! Even when I kept my eyes fixed at the different point. It would sometimes grow in size, change color and do other things.  Thankfully, nothing like that is a part of my life any more.  Even the effects of my recent experiment with weed are dissipating (two weeks sober now).  

I would try and relax man, you will get better just try to let it happen.  When your body heals from a cold or other injury do you spend large amounts of time waiting for it to do its job or try to will it away?  Probably not, we just let our systems work and trust that they will take care of business.  A similar perspective can be adopted here. You are at the whim of your body, mind and this disorder.  Accepting that can be a huge victory and enable you to get past it while it's still a part of your life.  I know things seem hopeless but they really never truly are while we still have breath in our lungs.  Suffering comes with life and how we respond to it very much dictates how happy we are.  Fighting it in my experiences usually leads to more suffering.  For me, acceptance was the answer to many of the problems that I didn't have the power to solve.

Anyway, venting is good and this is the place for it. I wish the forum was as active as it used to be, hopefully it will return to normal at some point. 

Take Care 

Nick   

As you may have seen from some of my posts, I am one of the lucky ones who has not had my symptoms greatly exacerbated by Zoloft.  I think there was a slight uptick early on but in the long run it's greatly improved my life.  I use it for OCD, anxiety and depression.  That being said, if you can function without it that's probably the best.  I think your symptoms should dissipate with time since you've already seen come improvement.  However, I am not a doctor and can only direct you to follow their advice.  The best advice I can give you is what I tell everyone:

• Stop all drugs (even alcohol for a bit if you can) 
• Get as much sleep as you can 
• Exercise regularly even if it makes your symptoms worse
• Eat well 
• Stay busy with work/ school/ hobby etc
• Try not to worry 
• Learn to meditate if you can (this was really helpful for me and I am willing to give tips for beginners) 
• If you're open to it, start praying to God (it doesn't have to be any particular religion and you don't even have to believe in anything; just go through the motions and ask for help on your knees everyday.  I really believe relief  will come if we reach out)

You'll be fine just stay busy and try to stay positive.  

Take Care,

Nick 

Hello Friend, 

Your situation sounds pretty rough, have you thought about seeking psychiatric help?  

You can get through this and things will get better eventually.  Try not to obsess over the problem. 

If you speak to a medical professional and they are not concerned, I would just try not to think about what you're going through just accept it because it will likely pass in a few days or weeks as your equilibrium is reached.  

Check out the side-effects of your med and remember that you have really just started it.  If you are truly concerned I would talk to your doctor about what you're experiencing or even the pharmacist.  You can call any pharmacy and ask to speak to the pharmacist, they will likely be able to answer some questions free of charge.  

Hello Friend, 

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. I will mostly echo what Hall89 said and add a few remarks.  For me and most people, time is a major contributor to getting better.  Try not to obsess over the condition and remain positive.  Your drug use was not as extensive as many including myself who have recovered and lead happy high functioning lives.  I am on the track to become a mathematician.  The exact amount of time recovery will take is impossible to know unfortunately, it's slow and subtle but it will happen.  The brain will adapt and you will get your life back.  For many, recovery can be seen in the span of a few months assuming drug use has stopped.  I tell everyone the same thing on here which is what worked for me:

• Stop all drugs (even alcohol for a bit if you can) 
• Caffeine exacerbates symptoms for many, using it is your call.  (For me I didn't quit) 
• Get as much sleep as you can 
• Exercise regularly even if it makes your symptoms worse
• Eat well 
• Stay busy with work/ school/ hobby etc
• Try not to worry 
• Learn to meditate if you can (this was really helpful for me) 
• If you're open to it, start praying to God (it doesn't have to be any particular religion just ask for help on your knees everyday. You don't even have to believe in anything for it to work!  I really believe it will come if we reach out)

Also, it's good to remember that I personally don't think HPPD is a form of brain damage since in the long run, there doesn't seem to affect intelligence.  

Lastly, try to limit the guilt you feel; this is not your fault just your physiology.  Some people just can't tolerate psychedelics.  This is a hard lesson in life but you WILL recover  and I cannot express how good it feels to get your life back.  Hang in there and stay positive! 

Take Care,

Nick 

Hi Jacob,

I will preface this with I AM NOT A DOCTOR and therefore can not make any truly informed recommendation.  I can however tell you what worked for me and SSRIs did help and didn't produce any damage.  I think ultimately time will be your best friend in terms of recovery.  Your drug use is not very extensive which will work in your favor.  Unfortunately, for whatever reason, some people are really sensitive to these substances, some contract the disorder from only weed. It seems to really depend on the individual.  There are also people who can use drugs for years with no HPPD related consequences.  I have a friend who has taken way more acid than me, granted my doses were pretty high a few times but it has had zero effect on him. Also, my frequency of consumption exceeded his which is probably what did me in.  Anyway, you will get past this.

My personal recommendation is to be completely honest with your doctor and try not to go down the rabbit hole of this forum and the internet too much.  You'll only generate anxiety which exacerbates symptoms. I tell everyone on here the same thing which worked for me:

• Stop all drugs (even alcohol for a bit if you can) 
• Get as much sleep as you can 
• Exercise regularly even if it makes your symptoms worse
• Eat well 
• Stay busy with work/ school/ hobby etc
• Try not to worry 
• Learn to meditate if you can (this was really helpful for me) 
• If you're open to it, start praying to God (it doesn't have to be any particular religion just ask for help on your knees everyday.  I really believe it will come if we reach out)

You will recover, you're young with only a moderate drug history. This is coming from a guy who ate 15 hits of good LSD in one night, if I can recover then so can you.  I am also a mathematics PhD student at a reputable university, life does not end with this disorder.  Take it as a hard lesson and believe me, when you recover, your appreciation for life becomes immense. 

Take Care,

Nick 

Remember, SSRIs are changing the way your brain operates.  They take time for the effects to be realized and for an equilibrium to be reached.  I would recommend talking to your doctor about this, it sounds like you had a panic attack which can be the result of SSRI side effects.  

As far as permanence of additional symptoms is concerned, everyone is different but like I said, mine went away after a few weeks on them.  How extensive was your drug use?  How frequent, dosages?  These factors are usually good predictors of recovery timeline and chances. For me, the SSRI enabled me to overcome the anxiety in the beginning of my second recovery and definitely provided benefit in many aspects of my life.  They're not a cure all but they are certainly a useful tool.  Unfortunately, they don't work for everyone.  I would also recommend using them in conjunction with talk therapy, that's how you really see the benefit.  

Good luck my friend!

I have been on an SSRI for almost 3 years and it has mostly helped me recover.  I think there was a a transient period in the beginning of visual symptoms getting slightly more pronounced but it subsided.  Hope this helps, listen to your doctors, stay off drugs and stay positive; you are young and will recover. 

Hello, 

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through and I apologize for the delayed response.  Try and stay calm and stay clean.  This is the best thing you can do.  If you feel psychologically unstable I would recommend seeking medical help, anxiety, depression and this disorder can be debilitating.  I tell everyone the same thing:

• Stop all drugs (even alcohol for a bit if you can) 
• Get as much sleep as you can 
• Exercise regularly even if it makes your symptoms worse
• Eat well 
• Stay busy with work/ school/ hobby etc
• Try not to worry 
• Learn to meditate if you can (this was really helpful for me) 
• If you're open to it, start praying to God (it doesn't have to be any particular religion just ask for help on your knees everyday.  I really believe it will come if we reach out)

Eventually, things will get better.  Unfortunately there's no way of knowing how long this will take.  It depends upon several factors such as the types of drugs, quantity ingested, frequency of use and most importantly your individual physiology.  Just give it time and your body and mind will heal, I went through it myself and it is hard.  However, when you recover, the appreciation that you have for life is unbeatable; you have that to look forward to.  Just relax and let your body do the work.  There's not much else you can do.  Do you think and will your body to recover from a cold?  No, it's involuntary, this is similar.  Try not to obsess over it just keep moving and stay positive. 

Take Care,

Nick 

Thanks Anna,

You'll be fine.  Recovering from this condition feels amazing and gives you a new appreciation for life .