MadDoc

RE: Documentary

Jay, I don't think LSD use was spread out more.  It was rampant!  In my high school it was everywhere and seeing someone "lose it" wasn't uncommon.  The teachers were actually trained in how to deal with someone who was dosed.  I also went to a high school that had an "open campus" so if things got bad you could just leave.  Foolish idea to give a 14 year old kid that kind of freedom IMHO.  From a totally unscientific standpoint I'm guessing that the doses in 73-74 were in the 200 mics range.  At one point there was window pane where the hits were around the 500 range (at least).  It wasn't until I first got to college that I was introduced to the "real" thing.  It was manufactured at a local prestigious university and it was so clean that taking big doses wasn't too tough to take. I used to take does up to 1000 mics (not bragging, I wish I hadn't!!!!).  I used to *love* dosing and I don't think I ever had a bad trip.  However, I started to  realize how badly it had rattled my head.  That's when I stopped.

Hello and welcome.  I'm new to this site as well.  

I know that cocaine and stong cannabis can cause anxiety even after succession of use.  However, hppd can do the same thing but there are a host of symptoms that can go along with it.  I'm no doctor so I can't make any diagnosis.  What I can suggest is staying sober for some time to see what happens to the symptoms.  Please understand I'm not suggesting that you discontinue prescribed medication because your doctor is qualified to make that decision and I'm not.

I've never brought up hppd with my doctor (well, once) because I didn't even know it had a name until very recently.  However, at my next physical I'm going to bring print out describing hppd and bring it along.  

Jay, thank you for your kind welcome.  I tried joining last autumn but couldn't register.  I'm so glad I tried again and here I am.

Yes, I think "unlucky title" is well put.  This isn't something I'd wish on anyone and it has been a long haul.  One thing I'm finding is age doesn't equate to wisdom.  I just have more miles on me.

I've stayed in touch with many of my friends from high school and none of them admit to having symptoms of hppd though some do get a glassy eyed stare from time to time so I wonder.  The older users who were around in the early 70s used to talk about how psychedelics put them on a different "vibe" and I suspect it had something to do with residual effects.  Hard to say.  The term "acid burnout" was quite common but i dont remember people talking about specific symptoms.  There were quite a few of people I knew who committed suicide quite young and now I wonder if they were suffering from hppd.  I guess I'll never know.  To be honest I haven't brought this up with my friends in decades but I plan to.  If I hear anything I'll post it.  

The psychedelic drugs that were available back then we're lsd, dmt (occasionally), dom (stp), mushrooms, and mecaline (the real thing), and pcp (something I avoided).  That being said I really wonder what we were taking sometimes.

I've said that even though I have hppd life is wonderful.  I'm at the age that I'm losing friends to age related illnesses and I'm realizing that each day is precious.  It's given life a new perspective.

It's wonderful to have found this forum.  I can't say that enough.  I'm not alone.

MDMA wasn't around back in my day (insert Grandpa Simpsons' voice).  What was available periodically was a psychedelic amphetamine called DOM which was called STP in the 60s.  I can see how that class of chemical could cause problems.  It certainly rattled me pretty badly.  What's really scary now are all the variant "research" chemicals coming out of China.  They're untested on humans are some have the potential of being fatal.  I wonder if they're more likely to inflict hppd.  I guess time will tell.

I think it sounds fine.  One thing for sure, I'm in no position to judge others.  I'm just an awkward human bumbling through life (:

>> As a newbie I'm not aware of the ettiquette,

I'm always second guessing myself and tend to apologize often even if there's nothing to apologize for.  I also don't post on the web very often.  While message boards are old hat to most they're kind of unfamiliar to me.

>> I used to really believe I was the only one in the world with this affliction.

YES!!!!!!!!!!

I've felt this way since I was a kid.  Before the internet there was nowhere to go and nobody to talk to.  The one doctor I talked to back in the early 80s was so rude and basically told me "you get what you deserve".  I literally felt like I was the only one who struggled with these symptoms.  I finally realized that there's nothing special about me so there must be someone else out there with the same problem and there must be a name for this malady.

I think this is a really good conversation.  When I said "life can be wonderful" the last thing I wanted to imply is that continuing to use is A-OK because things are going to turn out swell.  In my opinion sobriety is the single best thing you can do for yourself at the first sign of this affliction.  Now that I'm a stones throw away from 60 I can say that I'm happy and life is great but it wasn't always that way.  I stopped using when I was 20 and my 20s were, at best, difficult.  I got through college, I got married, and we had kids BUT I was struggling.  I had horrible anxiety, I had to work really hard because my focus was so "off", and frankly, I felt like an alien who had been dropped on this planet.  If I could go back and talk to my 14 year old self I'd scream "Don't take that purple tablet!!!!".  Someone talked about acceptance in this forum  and in my 30s I just started to accept that this is who I am that I have a self inflicted disability like it or not. 

Hi Danny.  I'm new to this forum as well.  I think you bring a great message.  I noticed the first symptoms in the early 70s when I was about 14.  One common thread I'm seeing is that many of the people in here started using quite young.  I'm wondering if that has anything to do with it.  The mind is still in formation and the introduction of such strong mind altering chemicals may change trajectory.  I've had "residual" visuals for over 40 years and I still have them today.  But you're right, a decent life and even a wonderful life certainly is possible.  There's no reason you can't get an education, pursue your dreams, have wonderful relationships, get married, have kids, raise them well, and wake up in the morning happy to be on this planet.  Thank you for your positive message!

Over four decades my symptoms have moderated.  Jay1, your symptoms sound much like what I first experienced.  The visuals were just running riot all the time.  Now, they're still there but they're not nearly as prominent.  I've also just gotten used to them being around.  What worked for me was deciding that it was time to get on with life regardless.  I think step one was getting sober because without that I couldn't focus.  Move the clock ahead 40 years and I still see visuals (why does the line "I see dead people" keep going through my mind?) but I'm a "normal" (some would disagree) happy human and life couldn't be better.  For what it's worth.

I guess I'm trying to say "don't despair".  The mind can heal even though it may not ever return to "normal" (whatever that is).

Hi Amanda.  I'm still in contact with people who tripped with me in high school (40 years ago).  None of them have residual symptoms except for me and they used to look at me like I was crazy when I described what I was going through.  I stopped talking about it to anyone a long time ago until I found this forum.  If I consume MJ my heart pounds and the visuals that are always present become far more "apparent".  As I've stated in other topics, I wish I had stopped using drugs once my symptoms started.  Have you considered just not using drugs for a while just to figure out where your head is at?  I realize that can be difficult when the people in your sphere are still on that adventure.  Food for thought anyway.  I'm no doctor or anything (MadDoc) is an old nickname from those days.  Be well and take care.

Hangovers make my visuals much worse.  I find if I don't get good sleep or sleep that's low quality (alcohol does this) then the my symptoms are worse.  MJ is also something I can't touch.  Tiny amounts send me into an alternate universe.  I think sobriety is probably one of the best treatments for HPPD.  It didn't make my visuals go away but they're much better when I'm sober.  Also, being sober, it's easier to get focused and get on with life. 

>> The visual snow even forms into psychedelic shapes sometimes, spirals  ....

That sound similar to what I deal with.  I agree with K.D. taking a break might be a good idea just to see how you feel after a while.  I noticed similar symptoms when I was using (I was 14) but I continued to use psychedelics for another six years unfortunately.  I wish I had stopped right after the symptoms started.  That was back in the early 70s and nobody had ever heard of HPPD.  We were always afraid of "flashbacks" which never seemed to happen to anyone so I figured that continuing to use wasn't going to have an impact.

Hi Jeffy.  Have you considered taking a little break from tripping to see if the symptoms moderate or go away?  Hallucinogens can have short term effects like empathy, insight into ones self, or just seeing the world from another viewpoint.  Some of these residual feelings can be wonderful as I recall.  However, for some of us we get negative symptoms that never go away.  Basically I see visuals much of the time.  I can't make them go away and I've had this for over 40 years.  If you take a break then perhaps you can gauge how things are going up in the cranium.

I'm definitely going to print out the information and bring it to my next medical appointment.  It will be the first time I've brought this up with a medical professional in at least 35 years.  I think it'll be a real relief to have this out in the open.  It's funny, I don't think my wife  even realizes because I just don't talk about it. 

I don't know if CBD oil is going to help in the long run but it sure helps me get to sleep.  My visuals always increase when I'm tired so getting a good night's sleep is important. 

I realize that properly prescribed medication can really help people.  I guess when I first had these symptoms I just wanted to hide it because there was such a stigma attached to using psychedelics in the 70s. When I was in high school there was a rumor that if a doctor found out they could have you committed.  It probably wasn't true but I was a kid and it seemed plausible at the time.  As the years went by I realized that "this" was going to be part of me for a long time and just decided to make the best of it.  These days there are probably all kinds ways a doctor can help out with medications.  But as I said, I'm 57 so I'm kind of stuck in my ways.

I think the biggest problem I've had is that when I see a doctor I get so tense that my blood pressure shoots up.  But you know what?  I'm seeing a new doctor soon and I'm going to just tell her that I have HPPD and I'm going to print out a description of the disorder.  I think it'll put my mind at ease if I'm not hiding who I am.

As for giving people hope, well, I was a little leery of stating that I've had this "anomaly" for so many years.  I thought that it might have the opposite effect on people.  "You mean, it's NOT going to go away?".  On the other hand, as I said that "life is good" and that's the truth.  I've been very lucky and I worked my ass off probably trying to compensate for my strangeness.  I'm really not trying to say "hey look at me I'm a big shot".  I just wake up in the morning and I'm really glad to be here.  As Richie Havens used to say "I'm glad to be here, I'm glad to be anywhere".  God, I miss him.  

K.B. I haven't read your past posts.  I'll do that as soon as I can.  I'm interested with what you're dealing with.  I'm interested in what everyone in here is dealing with!  It's such a relief to find a group of people who have this issue.  For most of my life I assumed that this was some curse that only fell on me.

Hi K.B.  Thank you for asking.

I've never taken any doctor prescribed medication to treat my "condition".  In the early 80s I approached my doctor and described what I was going through.  He basically said "you deserve what you get for taking those drugs".  That was a big help.  Since then I have a healthy mistrust of the medical establishment.  I realize I shouldn't be so wary just because one doctor was a Bozo.  I don't get "trails" as we used to call them.  I don't get "afterimages" either.  For me, it's all about designs and shapes forming when I look at any textured surface.  It's like the brain is trying to find patterns where there are none.

I was stunned to find out that there was a term for what I have.  For years I figured I was borderline schizophrenic because I was seeing things.  Hiding this disorder has caused great anxiety in my life because I knew it wasn't "normal" and I never knew if it would get worse.  I'm hoping to find other people with symptoms like mine.  I'd also like to give people hope because I've lived with this for over four decades and life is great.