TheGman6072

Yea I’ve taken benzos before but not nearly enough to cause memory issues. The memory issues are related to HPPD/depersonalization but yea even if it’s still there, I don’t care because I’m not being negatively affected by it to the point where my life sucks. As long as my anxiety is gone, I’m content 

So it has been a long time since I’ve posted here. I think it was around August of this year where I just woke up one day and my depression and anxiety issues just vanished. For the first time in 6 years I have finally been feeling at peace for the last 4 months. While my memory is still kinda bad and I am not fully connected to reality, it still feels great to have the constant anxiety completely gone. Many of my other symptoms have noticeably reduced. I am finally able to enjoy smoking weed again but I make sure to only smoke indica and still only smoke around once a month at the most rather than take the risk of going full stoner again. I can function like a normal person and not have my brain shut down and go into autopilot. I’m just wondering if this is because I’m recovering or if it’s because I’m so used to living a life of depersonalization/derealization, that it just feels normal now. Either way, I’m content because my life is headed in the right direction and I have a successful future ahead of me. 

Yea being emotionless is better than anxiety and sadness tbh. 

So I have high doubts that this disease will ever go away but at the same time, I don’t want it to. I’m so used to having my brain automatically shut off when something bad happens that I don’t remember what “normal” feels like anymore. Depersonalization sucks most of the time but honestly, whenever my mind leaves its depersonalized state, it feels weird. It’s as if my mind hates not having that numb, emotionless feeling 24/7. Numbness is more relaxing than being sad or angry or overly excited. I’ve come to realize over these past 4 1/2 years that depersonalization protects us from negative emotions by shutting them down and numbing our minds. I had my car catch on fire about a year ago and if I didn’t have this disorder, I would have been losing my shit and having a panic attack. but since I have it, it automatically shut down all emotions and I just stood there calmly watching my favorite car burn as I took pictures and videos of it burning and posting it on Snapchat. When my grandpa collapsed in the kitchen, my mind shuts down and I calmly kept my composure as I talked to the paramedics. They probably thought I was high because of how calm and emotionless I was. 14 year old, pre-DP me would have been screaming and crying. 

  Now the only part I truely hate about this disorder is the random panic attacks and having depersonalized moments while hanging with friends and having them tell me that I’m “acting strange” when I go into that mode but it’s whatever. I am not suicidal anymore so I think that’s good enough. 

    As you can see I’m not very active on here anymore so I probably won’t be back here to read replies for another several months or longer. But this disease doesn’t seem all that bad anymore 

I was just driving down Pacific Coast Highway and then suddenly a dp moment hit me so severe that it almost felt unsafe to drive. My brain completely disconnected from my body while I'm driving 60+ mph and it was super super hard to not space out. Anybody else drive with DP ?

Well I meant that most of my symptoms are gone but the ones that are still there seem to be getting worse :/ ! Plus, I'm fine now but I actually posted this the day after I smoked a shit ton of weed and I was feeling super depressed because I smoked too much. I'm fine with smoking weed once or twice a month. I've actually been better off smoking once a month than just being completely sober. 

My symptoms only seem to be getting worse and worse 
Next time my friends see me, I'll probably be in the back of a hearse

And I just passed my driving test !

Yep it's one of the trippiest movies I've ever seen

Wow it has been a while and the site has been dead !

So for the past (almost) four months, my HPPD has drastically declined. I noticed how much my HPPD had been reduced after taking Hydroxyzine a few times. Only noticeable symptoms are walls and the floor appearing to breathe or melt when I have my eyes fixed on something. I just gotta keep my eyes constantly moving. While driving, if I just keep my eyes fixed on the road, the road will start twisting around and breathing so I have to always be looking around at all of my surroundings. I started learning how to drive a couple months ago and I am a pretty good driver. I thought my HPPD was going to make it impossible but it's actually easy and I'm a better driver than my mother.

I rarely smoke weed anymore. Last time was about a month ago and I most likely won't be smoking again anytime soon because I don't want to risk it driving while stoned.

I saw the Doctor Strange movie and that movie was so trippy. I actually got triggered by that movie and almost had a panic attack because the effects were so similar to my HPPD symptoms and the visuals I used to see on LSD, and Benadryl.

My life at this point is pretty chill. I rarely have anxiety now but the anxiety did get replaced with something else. I easily get angry, annoyed and agitated. I have learned to accept Depersonalization and to me, it's not really a big deal to me anymore i accepted it. The constant autopilot mode actually feels kind of enjoyable sometimes especially during school. That's "Constantly being zoned out (but fully conscious)" feeling actually seems to make time go by faster

Let's get this site running again !

I took it like 3 times before posting this, then again about a month ago. My HPPD is like 95% gone. Idk if the hydroxyzine had anything to do with it though but it went away like right after my 4th time taking it

200-300 isn't much but EVERY NIGHT ?! Jesus Christ I used to do like 400mg and most recently, 550mg but only every once in a while

Wtf did you do ?

I was wondering if anyone has tried hydroxyzine ? I might get myself prescribed this in the future when I'm 18 as I heard it helps a lot with anxiety

I have been seeing blue, green and sometimes red floating around or flashing at me for quite a while now but this visual snow with millions of tiny blue dots is new to me. I've always had visual snow since the beginning of my HPPD but not like this

So my visual snow has changed to the point where it's also mixed in with some blue dots as well ! Anybody else have this ?

Yep it's pretty scary dealing with shit like this and very hard too

No I don't like being bombarded with all the counseling. Me and the friend who also took the Benadryl are going to try best to stay sober and start having fun without drugs.

No I don't like being bombarded with all the counseling. Me and the friend who also took the Benadryl are going to try best to stay sober and start having fun without drugs.

I did a good job at staying sober for a good 8 months but my addict mentality is still there. For the past few months, I planned to strictly stick to smoking weed only and nothing else. A couple nights ago, that quickly changed. I was with a few friends and they were all stoned as shit but I wasn't. One of them thought it would be a good idea to get some Benadryl (diphenhydramine) and trip. We were planning on only having one person trip and I was going to be the trip sitter but then they were telling me that I should take some too. I normally do a good job at staying away from this kind of shit but once I got my hands on that bottle, I was screwed. I swallowed 22 pills (550 milligrams) and the trip was pretty scary and one of my worst experiences on this drug. I had forgotten how evil this drug was until now since it has been a year since the last time I used it. When 2 of my friends left, it was only me and the other guy who had taken 16 pills (400 milligrams). I was laying on my friend's tripping balls and hallucinating. I was not enjoying this trip cuz usually I was able to tell whether things were real or a hallucination but this time, I couldn't tell the difference and it was freaking me out

My dad ended up calling me (I'm surprised I was still able to know how to use a phone while this fucked up) and he could instantly tell I was fucked up by the sound of my slurred voice and I was barely talking. Then my mom called me soon after and told me to get home immediately. She then comes to my friend's house and picks me up and calls my friend's dad. She took me to the emergency room..... TOTALLY UNNECESSARY ! I had only taken 550mg and that's not anywhere near enough to kill a person my size (150 LBs). All they did was do a bunch of tests, stick needles in me and ask me questions and I was there until 2:30am and nothing was accomplished. All they did was send me home still tripping balls. I would have been fine if my mom would have just let me go home and fall asleep to sleep it off. All this ER visit did was piss me off.

Next day, i get told by another friend that the other person who took the Benadryl was planning to kill himself so I ended up spending half the day going back and forth with his parents freaking out because I thought I was about to lose one of my good friends to suicide. Luckily he is fine now but this whole thing was a huge wake up call. We both agreed to start staying sober and stop hanging out with those two stoners because they were the reason we had started doing drugs again and we know how to have fun without being high. This trip reminded me of how bad these drugs are.

My dp/dr and hppd of course have gotten worse but my dp/dr is now worse than ever. I have been panicking, having psychotic thoughts go through my head, my body feels soar, and I have very little appetite. As i am typing, I am very unstable and I have no idea what's going to happen to me in the next few months. I am worried about the fact that my chances of recovery are fucked just because of very stupid decisions. I managed to stay away from drugs but my addict mentality never left. This experience made me realize that I need to stay away from this shit

I was wondering if I should take Xanax and if it is safe for HPPD and Depersonalization ? I quit buspirone like a month and a half ago because it messed with my emotions too much then stopped working all together. I was on a road trip with a friend and I start having panic attacks in the car and he offered me Xanax but I refused but now I'm thinking I should start taking it. I have been smoking weed again for the past few months because it's a temporary escape but, of course it has had negative consequences.

This is one of my worst symptoms

So the buspirone helped a lot with the anxiety the most and even after being off it a week, the anxiety is still almost completely gone but I did have very minor moments. I stopped taking it because it almost completely stopped working. now I have other issues. Today, I randomly feel like I'm coming down off a cocaine high and it's really bad. My appetite is deteriorating again and so are my taste buds so I am guessing these are possible withdrawal symptoms. So I did take a triple dose of buspirone today and I am starting to feel a little better but I got caught doing it so my parents are freaking out because I took matters into my own hands when they refused to increase the dose. The struggle with my dad continues since he still dismisses my HPPD and depersonalization because he "doesn't see any physical signs of discomfort". So scary how severe my depersonalization/derealization is, yet I appear completely normal to most people. I haven't smoked weed in a few weeks and honestly I felt better when I started smoking weed again

NOTE : I DO NOT RECOMEND DOING DRUGS AGAIN. Some people get lucky and others don't

I talked a friend of mine out of doing LSD. The kid probably already has hppd from the shit he's done though

I have depersonalization but is it possible to have both at the same time ? The weak feeling and trouble getting up out of bed feels more like a physical thing