OliverW

Yeah, I am kinda stuck because most of the medications I have been on in the past are substances of abuse, and I just can't do addictive shit anymore... At least downers. I have no desire to abuse my ADHD stuff, but that is the only med I feel comfortable with, and it is the only thing I can really get away with. I want to say I am just going to deal with it, but some things become overwhelming over time. Plus I don't have a doctor who understands my condition. All of this plus other disorders make medications a tricky thing for me. It seems like something will help one condition but will compound another. I am feeling very stuck and confused, but I really am feeling better about things now that I have joined this sight. As far as l-dopa issues, I am a believer in catecholamines being a major foundation of my perception as well as my personality and executive functions... I do recognize that the medical field still has a long way to go in understanding the true nature of their function, but at the same time I believe that finding similarities between different people and understanding the pharmacology of certain medications is a great tool to get a peak at the inner workings of our minds and brains. Just because I don't know the specifics of a condition or med doesn't mean I am against taking pharms. I don't think humanity will fully understand any of this stuff, at least in my lifetime, but I do think that if a med helps, and the side-effects don't outweigh the benefits, then why not take it? And Visual, thanks for the reminder on dopamine disorders. I always knew l-dopa was a neurological facet of many of my conditions... But it was enlightening to see all the conditions piled on top of each other and seeing that dopamine has implications for all of the disorders. What about borderline personality disorder? I would assume that, because it deals with the inability to control any and all emotion, l-dopa would be implicated in some way. Thanks again!

Wow the same thing happened to me! I was hitting a gravity bong with some Tongan kids and they loaded a bowl, told me to take a rip, and as soon as it hit my lungs I could taste it wasn't weed... I asked them what the hell it was, and they responded "Hahaha you just smoked PCP." I won't go into detail, but long story short, did some really stupid shit and ended up being locked in a room for a night. PCP is bad news bears. That was the first and last time for me.

Western US... SLC, Utah. I just read your post on another page, that is crazy it is that big up in the UK... I don't get how you guys get your hands on it... It is quite easy here because it can be bought OTC in Mexican vet clinics... But it isn't as big as you would think. It is a quite small ketamine crowd, and it is a tight knit community. Back in my using days I would have died for it to be that big, but now I'm thankful I'm not up there! Did you ever develop the stutter? Me and this Polish kid usually used together and we both got it... Albeit in massive amounts. Him worse than me. I'm just curious if it is a common thing. On a side note, SLC is a major drug hub for a big portion of the states... I-15 and I-80 (freeways) intersect in the heart of the city, so a lot of drugs come in and out. A good portion from mexico smuggled through underground tunnels... It has gotten really bad. Not so much hallucinogens but everything else.

Yeah ketamine roped me in pretty fast. That is crazy it is that big up there! I don't understand how you guys get it, is it diverted from vet clinics or what? In the states, it is very easy to get because it can be bought over the counter at vet clinics in Mexico... But other than Mexican sources it is almost impossible to find... At least in the western states. It is true, K is a hell of a drug. I would have kept going had it been available... Looking back I'm glad it was so hard to get because otherwise I wouldn't have stopped. It isn't physically addictive live opis or benzos but, for me anyways, it was quite psychologically addicting. Luckily it is pretty much impossible to OD on K or else I wouldn't be here. I didn't know it was possible to K-hole from sniffing it... I guess it would be possible but I've never hit the hole without IM or IV. Oh and PCP is terrible stuff, I'm glad you only did it once, Boogres

Thanks for your perspective, Jay1. It is good to hear that you aren't suffering from a lot of guilt... I'm kinda getting that you've accepted what you have done and that you are doing well by moving forwards. I feel you on the fuck life I want to self destruct... It is good to hear that you aren't beating yourself up over it. It took me a long time to start feeling that way, and I wasn't able to do it on my own, so props to you for figuring your shit out. Haha maybe if I make it to 70 I'll do the same thing. But for now I'm just trying to put the past behind me and live for the moment... And what the moment can bring if I stay on the same path. And to martifer, good for you that you are trying to stay clean! I love to hear that, especially on a drug driven forum. Try not to look at your little 'laps on kpin and alcohol as ruining your clean time... Try think of it as another chance to get back on the horse. I've seen to many people use maybe once or a few times after being clean, only to foster a "fuck it" mentality and go off the deep end completely. Just because you used that night doesn't mean you have to use tonight, or the next day. I know I'm lecturing a little bit, but I am writing this with good intentions. It is a struggle for sure, I struggle every day, but this too shall pass. I've never owned anything... I've only been loaned the things I have. My life, my sobriety, it is all on loan. The thing about the latter is that if I loose my clean time, I can always get it back. My life on the other hand, has no second loan. I've only got one shot and if I loose my clean time there is a good chance I could loose my life.

I have problems forming fluid speech, and I can't think of the right word to use a lot of the time... That is why I like typing, I sound much smarter in writing than I do verbally! One thing I have noticed that goes along with HPPD was a speech impediment type stutter. I never had an issue with stuttering up until using ketamine for a long period of time. It has gotten much better over time, but for a few months there I sounded like Billy Bibbit!

I started a few days before my 10th B-day but I didn't use opis or psychedelics till about 12. My parents who adopted me had a lot of money, but for the most part I sold to fund my habits... But yeah it has been quite expensive It has been fun but never again, you know?

Strange... Opiates always helped my symptoms. So do benzos and barbiturates. Perhaps opiates helped because I was physically dependent? And the lack of the drug would cause WD which would cause anxiety which would in turn aggravate my HPPD? Now that I think of it, I have been dependent on opiates the entire time I suffered from HPPD... Up until about 6 months ago. As I detoxed, my symptoms got worse and worse. After 30 days off methadone, the symptoms started to get better, and I haven't used opiates since. Maybe they wouldn't help anymore like they did? If so, that would be some great information! I always thought they helped but maybe it was just because they helped with everything considering my chemical dependence?

I can't really say with any accuracy but the main culprits for me were MDMA (way to many E pills to remember, probably almost a boat, and a 3 week molly binge), LSD (sheets and sheets for about 3 years), mescaline (actual payote but mostly home cooked extracts from San Pedro and Peruvian Torch cacti), 2C-E, and foxy... I have only drank a few times, and other than dexedrine taken as prescribed, I have hardly used any stimulants. Coke maybe a few different nights but nothing I can attribute my HPPD to. I have also done a lot of the newer "research chemicals", and most of them have severely aggravated my condition. I have used a lot of ketamine, and have been a heroin addict for the majority of my life, up until 6 months ago. Been clean from everything ever since, but things have not gotten any better in all my clean time... That is why I joined this sight. I can attribute my original symptoms to a single night which was compounded with about 2 months of chronic phenethylamine/triptamine use prior to the incident itself. I was on this regimen where I would do a phenethylamine derivative one day and a triptamine the next. My routine was something like this: MDMA one day, LSD the next, mescaline the next, 2 or 3 day break, followed by mushrooms of some sort (mostly Psi. cubes). I would take a few days off and start all over again. during this time I was smoking and growing good strains of bud, and wouldn't go a day without cannabis... Ever. One night I was 20some pills deep and me and a few friends were well into a sheet when I had a seizure type thing (probably attributed to MDMA overdose compounded by a bunch of other horrible things I had put into my body that night). After that incident I have had some relatively mild symptoms compared to the way things are now... But the visuals and mental stuff still made it hard to function. I was just smoking weed, doing a lot of ketamine, and using oxycontin/heroin for a few years after that. I had been using opiates prior to, but they seemed to help my symptoms so if anything it was an excuse to accelerate my usage. After being free from psychedelics for about a few years, things started to get better. I had lost my humility from the experience that night, and I was ready to start tripping again. I purchased some 2C-E online, and that is when things got much, much worse. I was weighing the powder on some lab scales, and me and a friend had finished and were about to pull off our nitrile gloves. I thought, being the dumb ass I am, that there wouldn't be much powder on the gloves. So, for fun, I licked them and shit has been real rough ever since. I couldn't accurately tell my dose that day but I know it was a lot more than any dose of 2C-E I've ever done before. It boggles my mind that someone could get HPPD from only using psychedelics just a few times... It makes me think how lucky I am not to be in a mental hospital.

I got it through both chronic psychedelic use combined with one night of excessive use combining MDMA, LSD, psilocin/psilocybin mushrooms (prob. spelled that wrong) in large amounts. I had relatively minor symptoms up until an incident with 2C-E which severely aggravated most of my symptoms, especially visual distortions... I detailed my symptoms in the introductions post a couple days back. I just want to say thanks again to everyone who gives input and everyone who makes this website possible! I have already learned a lot and I have more hope than I did a few days ago!

Thanks for the input windscar, I'm pretty open and vulnerable to any explanation right now so it is always good to get another perspective on things. Just curious, for what reason should I stop taking my meds? I was on mood stabilizers up until a few months ago for borderline personality disorder as well as bipolar 2 & I feel both better and worse now that I am off of them. As far as the ADHD stuff goes, I know i don't need it, but I do much better in school when I do take it. Now that I got my BS I'm doing grad school stuff and I can't really imagine not taking it considering all the work I have to put in... Maybe I should give it another chance though. I have gone months without and months with, either way the HPPD hasn't really gotten all that much better. Maybe I wasn't giving it enough time without the dexedrine to heal? I have gone a year and a half without any improvement of any personality disorder stuff or axis I stuff so I really don't know what to do...

Oh wow I never even thought of that. You are right, the back-light does make my eyes tired and itchy, but I also have less fatigue because I don't have to focus on putting the words together. A lot of this is probably contributed to the fact that I can increase the size of the lettering, and I am in the process of getting either glasses or corrective surgery (probably glasses because I'm terrified of loosing my vision from an accident during surgery). I am going to try the contrast thing right now... I do set my computer to the lowest brightness setting, and that seems to help with my reading stamina.

What symptoms are characteristic of dopamine disorder and what are symptomatic of HPPD? I am fairly certain I have HPPD, and most of my stress is due to the visual aspects of the condition... I have never had anyone suggest I have dopamine disorder, so I sincerely appreciate the input. I can't think of anything else that could cause my visuals, and I am fairly certain that most if not all of my issues were nonexistent before my heavy psychedelic use. Is there more hope than not considering I did most of the damage when I was younger? I have heard arguments for hope relating to plasticity, and I have heard discouraging input concerning brain development and the lack thereof. I have a doctor who I am seeing now that specializes in addiction. He has not conjectured about l-dopa issues, but considering my symptoms he is fairly certain I have HPPD. Schizophrenia, Bi-polar, and addiction especially runs in both sides of my family... So perhaps I could have some psychotic breaks due to abuse/use. I don't usually feel psychotic but some days are worse than others. As far as therapy goes, I have had about three months of residential treatment with an emphasis on CBT... In fact, that is pretty much all we did for therapy. My anxiety and delusions have gotten much better through processing using CBT... My doctor is basically telling me to deal with it on my own. I am on dexedrine, 20mg twice daily, and that seems to help a lot with my inattentive tendencies. I haven't really done much attention control exercise, so I really really appreciate your input. And also about my dreams, I should say that I don't notice much distortion until I get lucid, but I think it is really there. Perhaps I am just having trouble remembering it. I have had the condition for a good while, so I seem to notice it less every month, unless I'm consciously aware or paying attention to my symptoms. I am getting much better at emotional control and my memory is slowly improving as well. It seems like clean time has helped with this, for sure.

I went to a substance abuse treatment center that was entirely CBT based with no 12 step influence. I will say that after a 2 month stay for inpatient it has decreased my anxiety by 90-something%... And on a side note, my desire to use heroin has gone down at least 80%, and I am honestly serious about both of those numbers. CBT did wonders for me, but it only worked because I was willing to practice some openness, humility, and a willingness to learn. As far as axis II psychological disorders, CBT works wonders... But axis I disorders like Bipolar 1 and 2 (I'm assuming that HPPD would be axis I) seem to be of a physiological nature more than a psychological or personality nature... Axis I disorders have shown improvement through CBT, but they are usually treated by some sort of med. What I am trying to say is that CBT did wonders for my anxiety, depression, dissociation, addiction, etc. However, my actual HPPD symptoms both visual and mental did not improve very much. The mental stuff did clear up a little bit but I think that was due to my decreased anxiety. If anyone is interested in going to a substance abuse treatment center, PM me... I would be happy to refer you to the place I went to... I'm not necessarily saying it will work out for you, but I've been clean for half a year in a few days and I'm not even just coping or "white-knuckling"... I'm actually enjoying myself most of the time... And if it wasn't for my HPPD I would probably be thriving.

I decided to join this sight because I wanted help with my difficulty reading... As far as computers go, they are better for some reason. Not to mention I can toggle the size of my browser font in order to deal with the moving letters!!! Also, certain fonts are better than others. It seems like the old fashioned text in older paperback books is harder to read because there is less space between the holes in letters (like the o's in the lowercase E "e", or the o's in the "O"s... that sounded funny!) and more space between the actual letters themselves. I think that letters on TV or computer screens are better because they are combining the actual reds greens and blues that our retinas interpret as all the different colors based on the ratios or intensity of the mixtures. Perhaps this observation could be more evidence in the widely accepted idea that the hallucinations due to psychedelics or HPPD itself are an actual brain physiology issue. It seems like the eyes are working fine in both cases, however, when the information interpreted is broken down or simplified into the simple formulas that our eyes use to make color in the first place, the information is less distorted. What I am trying to say is that simpler input creates simpler output. In this case, the input is color and shade information and the output is my visual perception. Will anyone back me on this? It just seems to me like screens create a more crisp image than actual real life... Like if I take a picture of something and upload it onto my computer it will look more crisp than the actual something does in real life. I haven't tried this but I am going to right now! Perhaps some brighter minds could deduce some physiological explanations for the phenomenon of HPPD through the difference in pixel images versus real life images. Am I the only one who notices this? Some input would be appreciated.

I'm only 20. As far as symptoms go... As far as visuals go, the worst one is the constant fluidity and movement of anything with a texture... For example, granite counter tops, Persian rugs, carpet, wood grain, etc. It gets hard to read late at night if I'm stressed or tired or whatever. Sometimes, but not often, I get auditory symptoms... Mostly helicopter blade sounds but also shouting or yelling that I can't make verbal sense of. Whenever I'm in any sort of light, colors are more vivid and intense than they should be (but I've had the condition for almost half my life so I'm not sure what normal really is anymore). I get aura-like glowing around everything but mostly people.Different plants glow different colors... Pine trees are blue, oak is purple, grass is orange... Any solid color or any surface without a lot of texture is like TV static-y... But if I get close enough to most surfaces, like within a few feet, any perceivable texture will compound the static. Mad halos and tracers... I really don't like to drive at night because cars look like a worm-like blob of red and yellow light (from the headlights and brake lights and stuff like that). The halos are more distracting than the tracers but both complicate driving or using my computer or playing video games. I used to love video games but now it is quite hard for me to stay engaged due to visuals but also a lack of focus or attention. I might sound like I'm making it sound worse than it is, but I know it was never this bad until I did god knows how much 2C-E... I've never felt anything close to normal after that incident. But the weird thing is that, when I dream, I don't seem to notice or at least remember the symptoms... Until I cross over into lucid dreaming... Which used to happen a lot but I get lucid much less often these days. As far as mental clarity goes, I don't usually have a lot of it. I feel like the way I did on high doses of mushrooms or mescaline or any triptamine/phenethylamine for that matter... As in I have very little short term memory and shit for an attention span. I also heavily used ketamine for like 4 or 5 years, so I disassociate on an hourly basis... As in almost threshold K-hole type circling above my body, going up into the ceiling corners, etc. It is nothing like DID, or multiple personality disorder, but it is frustrating (and for the most part involuntary) in its own way. I seem to either have no focus or I hyper-focus on a usually trivial thought or behavior... I laugh way too much and cry way too much... And probably due to my symptoms I have been diagnosed several times with BPD, borderline personality disorder. I could go on... I confuse opposite emotions for each other. Sometimes I am confused whether or not I am crying or laughing... Probably due to, in part, to not remembering what the hell I was crying/laughing about. I feel like I'm ranting so I'm going to stop... But if you want or need more information I could probably take up pages. Everyone I've talked to said it is a pretty atypical, or at least intense case of the disorder but I have never had the chance to talk to someone who isn't a therapist/doctor until now. It is somewhat comforting to be able to relate to people who have the same issues... I have never met anyone who has gotten it, and it frustrates me because a lot of my old friends did a lot of the same shit albeit not to the same extent.

I have taken my dexedrine as prescribed for years now... And I was taking it before I got HPPD. I only take it as prescribed, and it seems to help with many of my symptoms. The visual stuff, which I'm most concerned with, doesn't necessarily get better, however, I am much less distracted by the constant glowing and fluidity of things. According to different therapists, I have a fairly severe case, and sometimes when I am tired or anxious or it is late at night, I find it quite hard to read small text. Like that in a normal paperback book. Dexedrine, an enantiomer specific form of adderall, whereas adderall is a racemic or equal mixture of the chiral isomers, is probably more useful in this case because I have pretty severe ADHD issues that stem from in-vitro exposure to methamphetamine due to my biological mother... So there is a good chance that my input would be entirely useless to anyone reading this. But it helps in a lot of ways for me, and that is my two cents. Keep in mind that I am saying these things in the context of prescribed doses, not recreational use. I don't dare abuse it because I'm a heroin and everything else addict in recovery, and I am almost sure it would make my symptoms worse. I hope this helps and if I broke any forum rules please point it out to me! Also, I don't mean to be critical, but I would highly recommend against using opiates to treat your HPPD. I have been severely addicted and dependent on opiates (heroin, hydromorphone, oxymorphone, oxycodone, etc.) for years and years... For me, opiates brought me NOTHING good in the long run... I know these are my experiences, but I can't help but feel angry when someone recommends the use of opiates. I know my experiences are my own, but I couldn't help chiming in. I have just had too many close friends die from OD to keep my mouth shut. -ROW

I was on phenobarbital for about 2 years which almost cut my own visuals in half. Although the med would take care of the visual manifestations of HPPD, all the barbiturates and benzos that I have tried have decreased my mental clarity, short term memory, and my methods of information processing. Due to these undesirable side-effects, I discontinued use about 7 months ago. Not to mention I am a heroin addict in recovery (barbs are addicting and I was abusing my script)... My visuals are getting quite severe, and I just don't know what to do. Again, thanks OP for being so open and willing to help others... I have known about this sight for a while, however, I was reluctant to join until now. I am literally crying out for help! I first noticed my HPPD at the age of twelve. I have been using various drugs since a few days after my 9th birthday, and my psychedelic use became an every-other day habit by the age of 12ish. The symptoms were manageable, and I did not believe it was a serious condition. I was thinking that it would go away, and the idea that more hallucinogen use couldn't make it any worse never occurred to me. Due to, for lack of a better word, an overdose on 2C-E, combined with MDMA and ketamine, my visual distortions were severely aggravated. This little accident was contributed to weighing 2C-E out on a scale and licking my gloves... I was under the impression that there couldn't be that much powder stuck to the nitrile. This was over 2 years ago, and my opiate, ketamine, and benzo abuse has been exacerbated ever since... Up until almost 6 months ago, at which point I admitted myself to detox, as well as a treatment center. It is frustrating to me that, after being clean for half a year in three days my symptoms seem to be getting steadily worse. I am so very desperate to get help. I feel like my HPPD will be probable cause of my very possible relapse... which will lead to my likely death considering I have no tolerance and, if I'm in relapse mode, I will have a fuck it behavior anyways. What can I do? I desperately need some help right now... I am sorry for the lengthy post, but please understand that I am seriously worried for my life right now. I have been suicidal in the past, and on more than one or even ten occasions, I have attempted heroin OD... I am not worried about today or tomorrow, or even next week... But I feel like if things keep getting worse I will go FUCKING CRAZY! I am fighting a ketamine relapse right now, because for some bizarre reason, dissociatives seem to calm down almost all of my symptoms. Are there any non-drug related treatments or therapies? Polarized eye glasses? I am seriously open to anything right now. I am even open to anti-psychotics or non-addictive drugs. Thank you in advance, and I am grateful that someone started (and someone is running) this website. -ROW