I need help. Sorry for making this so long but I want to include all the details because I don’t know which ones are actually relevant. I really appreciate any help that anyone can provide. I am an 18 year old senior in high-school. I am a smart kid (I scored a 2020 on my SATs) mental issues are really scary to me. I drink occasionally and have smoked marijuana a few times but not very often. Until now I’ve had great balance in my life. I think about philosophy a lot more than most people my age and decided that I thought something could be learned from taking psychedelic drugs. I considered salvia and psilocybin mushrooms because of the low risk that I was told they presented. A friend of mine who had done shrooms many times convinced me that that is what I should try.
Six weeks ago we went over to his house and took some at about 5 p.m. I took about an 8th and he took a little less. This was foolish because we knew that his parents would be home soon, even though they usually leave him alone in the basement. At first I just got some minor visuals and thought everything was hilarious, and then I noticed that I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing random objects pop-up, and then I started talking to myself. I heard many voices in my head but was still enjoying the trip. From this point on my eyes were closed for almost the entire night.
Soon I kept hearing the same voices telling me the same thing over and over again. I can’t remember what they were saying but I know it seemed to make sense at the time. I would try to argue with them by pointing out a flaw in their grand idea but they always managed to prove my argument false. After arguing with them for what seemed like weeks I began to get very anxious. I started to wonder if I would ever get back to normal. I thought I might be able to physically escape from the trip so I started rolling around on the floor wildly; apparently I knocked over a drum set causing my friend’s parents to come downstairs. Although I wasn’t aware of it at the time my friend explained what was happening to his parents who tried to hold me down and keep me from hitting my head. I just remember being terrified that I would never return to normal. Eventually I came to and after apologizing to his parents many times went to sleep. I left feeling perfectly fine in the morning.
After three weeks of no side effects I awoke at 1 a.m. after a horrible dream. Nightmares never bother me but this one was different. I dreamt I was at a different school. What was really odd about the dream was that I had so many memories from the school, for instance I remember thinking how long it had been since I had been in the gym because I hadn’t taken PE since freshman year. Anyways In the dream I became aware that I was slowly started to lose my mind. Eventually the setting changed completely and I was in a field in medieval times. I thought that I had gone completely insane and that this field was a complete separation from reality (however because I was dreaming I still thought that the dream school was reality). I asked a soldier in the field if I was in the real world and he assured me that I was and I believed him (looking back on it I think this was the creepiest part of the dream). Anyways all of the sudden an army of soldiers fired their arrows at a bunch of birds killing them all. Then I awoke. When I awoke couldn’t close my eyes without seeing strange visuals like I was tripping. I couldn’t get back to sleep the rest of that night.
The next few days I had constant horrible anxiety and some feelings of surrealism/depersonalization. The anxiety was so bad that I would literally be shaking throughout the day. After a few days of this anxiety I told my parents so that I could see a doctor. The doctor said that it would go away in a week and he was right but then one night when I was trying to fall asleep I got some more closed eye visuals and would find myself thinking about things that made no sense such as: the great NFL coach named “Zoid”, or I would be explaining to myself how I got in trouble at wal-mart even though no such incident took place. This has been going on for about two weeks now, sometimes the thoughts become full “dreams” with auditory and visual sensations even though I am definitely still awake. Last night as I was falling asleep I suddenly was in a hotel with a bunch of Asians pointing guns at me, it lasted just for a second but it leaves me very confused and afraid. I just found out that one of my uncles was schizophrenic so that raised my anxiety quite a bit, but I don’t hallucinate in the daytime. I have some very minor HPPD visuals (static/bright spots) but they aren’t very bad as long as I don’t think about them. I thought I was just having Hypnagogic hallucinations but mine seem to involve more senses and be more severe than most cases of hypnogia (to my understanding hypnoggia usually involves seeing strange objects in your room rather than being in another room altogether, although mine are closed eye so I don’t really know which is worse). I’m seeing a therapist but he doesn’t know what’s going on. I’m thinking about having a sleep study done.
Am I schizophrenic? Is my REM cycle just really fucked up? Will it get better? What can I do? I don’t mind giving up drugs, but can I still drink?
Sorry about the length. Thanks to anyone who read the whole thing.
