Possible latent PTSD?

[cs1234]

Hey guys something's been troubling me recently. About 5 months ago I had a bad trip. It was terrible but I got through it and the rest of the trip was actually slightly enjoyable. Well since then I've always thought, "That bad trip really sucked, but at least it was really cool to trip that hard". I've also been really wanting to try more psychedelics since my onset of hppd. But in the last couple of weeks I've been thinking about that bad trip a lot. Now I'm downright scared and panicked whenever I even THINK about acid. Like its hard to breath and I start sweating. What makes it terrible is that whenever I stare at something for a little bit it feels like it's about to start moving even though it isn't. All of this makes my DR go through the roof. It wouldn't even be so bad if I wasn't constantly reminded of that trip by HPPD, but I am. I keep trying to tell myself that it was fun but it wasn't. I try not to think about it but I can't. I'm really scared all the time and I don't know why. All through my life I've always been really jumpy when there's a loud noise or when someone taps my shoulder, and it's been getting worse lately (symptom of PTSD). Should I go to therapy? I don't really want to tell my parents, but I will if this gets really out of hand. Any advice or similiar situations?

Edit: I forgot to add that I believe this is a big part of what's causing my hppd. I feel like I'm finally starting to ignore and accept HPPD but this whole ptsd thing is holding me back. I don't even know if I have ptsd but it sure feels like it.

[2muchmandy]

Alice acid brought that point up a while bqck and I think shes onto something. I too am the same. I dont like discussing drugs, especially psychs and thinking abouy bad trips fucking terrifys me. I beleive that although I got through 2 or 3 horrifying experiences theyr stuck in my head still and need to be overcome

[nepuinthesky]

hmm i never had a bad trip only good times and i love to think back to my active time. the only bad experience was while we took liquid acid and my wife had a bad trip i was also tripping hard but i had to guide her a bit. that was stressfull but the next day everything was fine.

but my wife had a few creazy lasting effects she had a few panic attacks and flashbacks but thats gone now. she has no HPPD like me, but maybe aform of PTSD everytime when iam talking about my expiriences with friends she has to leave the room and i see the panic in her eyes.

thats stressed me abit but i dont think that this triggered PTSD in me.

i only have visuals nothing than visuals absolutly no anxiety or something like this.

its a bit like a good trip while sober, but i have to say it would be great to not have visuals but they are dont prevent me from leading my life. my only prob is that i often think about the visuals because they are allways there but they dont bother me.

[zukov]

I assume that you suffer no dr dp-nepuinthesky. Perhaps the visuals are just a residual effect. How long have you see it?

CS1234: I experience something similar. The "incident" occurred 6-7 months after my acid trip (which incidentally was the strongest experience of my life) and any reference to LSD or marijuana terrified me very little time ago. I support your theory, cs1234 and am thinking of starting EMDR and CBT in order to reset my mind.

[nepuinthesky]

hmmdont now about residual effect because as i mentioned before my visuals started 3 years after my last acid trip while only smoking marijane.

i had a few episodes of DP/DR at the beginning but as the anxiety went it went also.

i had slight HPPD for maybe 5 years (warping, melting, movement, floating colors in the dark, snow with closed eyes)

and the most other symptoms since septemper 2011(snow, afterimages,ghosting,trails, halos, starbursts...)

[2muchmandy]

I dunno how id manage with trails ghosting etc. I hope I dont get that

[John Smith]

Nah i never had a bad trip, this just happened randomly one night. When i think about my trips I just get bummed out that Ill never get to experience that again. Plus, it almost seems like that happened to someone else. Like, did I really try LSD? Did I really feel that much alive, especially in comparison to how I feel now? Even thinking about my 6 month long PCP ordeal doesn't make me anxious, it just makes me glad that it got a little better.

[cs1234]

well after some research in psychedelic forums everyone just seems to say that u need to do stuff that u like and just try to be yourself again to get over a bad trip. i guess i should finally become 100% sober too. i keep saying that and then staying clean for a couple weeks but then ill end up at a buddy's house and everyone is either smoking or drinking and i just can't resist. i also found out that MDMA is used as an easy way to get over ptsd. haha thats not an option for us! ...but does pure mdma cause hppd or is it all the other trippy stuff that usually comes with it? if its just the latter then I would be interested in trying a little tiny bit of pure MDMA.

[special k]

I would say you probably do have some ptsd, anytime someone goes through a traumatic experience it can stick with you. I got ptsd a few years after getting hppd. It was from an unrelated incident, and I've never had a really terrifying trip only some difficult rolls and a few irrational but quickly calmed fears. After I did get ptsd I had all of those symptoms albeit they weren't drug related. When I thought about the incident I got that flight or fight response, I was adrenaline pumping heart racing ready to go just by thinking about it. Sometimes it would happen when I didn't even expect it, like something small would remind me of it. I have never seen a doctor for my hppd or ptsd. I don't like the way antidepressants make me feel and I found benzos useful but I'd rather not risk the addiction. What worked for me was knowing when to give my brain a break. I kept smoking for two years but after I took a break it helped out. If you haven't already check out maps.org for the study on mdma and ptsd.

I had hppd for four years before I tried mdma. I was little cautious at first and researched the drug and many hppd reports on erowid. I met a person who would later become a good friend. He agreed to introduce me to the drug and we had a comfortable place for the night. I wasn't sure whether or not this would worsen my symptoms but reading that it doesn't really have that many visuals to it, and that it's more flexible than the traditional psychadelics gave me confidence. I went into it with the mindset that even if it went wrong I would at least have tried. Going into the experience I was fairly certain that I would be ok though, hearing that most visuals are limited to enhanced colors and trails with very little or no shifting. When I did do mdma for the first time it was an amazing experience! I was able to find a new way to love, think, feel, all that good stuff. Unfortunately my first experience was with pressies most likely cut with meth.( the mdma part wore off and I was still going for another 6 hours) Luckily this didn't cause any further complications other than me wanting to ramble on all night while my friend tried to watch A Scanner Darkly. I came down with some high quality herb and 2mg of xanax (probably wouldn't need the xanax if they weren't dirty). During the roll I noticed that colors were brighter and static and trails were a only a little more intense than herb. I woke up the next day feeling pretty good, I didn't have a crash or any hangover, I awoke feeling rested and relaxed although this could have been due to the xanax. My visuals are usually worse in the morning so it's normal for them to be the same as when I'm on herb. I waited til later in the day to try and notice any differences. Throughout the day I didn't notice any significant change in visuals, even when I smoked later on they still weren't any worse than they normally are on herb. The next day I was fine. I was very happy to have found a drug that didn't increase my visuals. I continued to roll 5-6 times over the course of the next year

. I would definitely say stay away from the pressies as these are almost always cut. My 6th or 7th experience, I took 8 of those in one night along with a 1/4 gram of molly and rolled fine until the morning when all the molly wore off and all that was left was the dirty feeling of meth. I remember feeling sketch even though I was at a safe place, I had to wait for a ride back to my house where I had some sleeping pills that I knew would knock me out, so I had to stay up longer than I wanted. I got home and still didn't get a good sleep. When i woke up the next day i knew I was tired so seeing more snow and trails was to be expected although after a week I noticed the visuals weren't fading and began to worry. The more I worried about them the worse the they got, after doing some spiritual work I decided I would take a break from molly. I was upset with myself, blaming myself for abusing a beautiful drug that I just discovered. I had to miss a few shows and take some time to let my head clear. I didn't really think about it or try to analyze it as I know this doesn't help. All I did was smoke herb, drink herbal teas, stay active and distract myself. After about two months I decided to take a look around and see what I could see. When I looked at things the visuals had calmed down, they were looking more like I remember them before the high dose. I felt a huge sigh of relief! At least they were getting better. After 3 months they returned to the level they were at before the high dose. I rolled on a reasonable 150 mgs two months later and had a great time with no problems. Since that one high dose I have learned to be more careful about what I buy( could have been a nightmare to get 2c-b instead of a roll!) and to be more respectful of how much I take. Since I have followed those guidelines I have not had any increase in symptoms after my rolls. My vision has been restored and Molly had been an amazing teacher absolutely helped me with my ptsd and given me new hope and perspective on my hppd. After 25 molly experiences I have not had any permanent visual increase. Some people would say the high dose scare was just luck, there will never be any way to know, but I stopped and my brain adapted. The whole experience changed my idea of what my limits were and allowed me to deal with a crisis and work through it. It restored my trust that the brain will adapt and there is still growth potential for myself and others. Even if I couldn't roll after that, the insight I gained from the first experience alone would have been well worth it. I'm still exploring and molly has allowed me to make incredible progress on my attitudes and perspectives. When I really do the spiritual work I have been able to make progress that would have taken years without. In relation to my hppd, it has changed my attitude about really how careful I have to be. Before I had that high dose I was considering doing some shrooms since I was handling the molly so well. Haha showed me right. Overall the whole experience even with the mistakes, it has been well worth it.

This has been my experience and everyone is different, I am very grateful that I was okay after that and that I am able to continue learning from the teachers. With that said, be very careful when testing your limits! I didn't show enough respect to a very powerful substance and it flipped me. I could have been permanently fucked up much worse. At the same time, the whole ordeal made me stronger in the long run, which in turn opened the door to new possibilities in the future.

[cs1234]

Posts like this are what I want to see when I come to the site. Its just great to see that you managed to get over HPPD and it sounds like it doesn't bother you anymore. Whats better is that u actually got the chance to experiment with MDMA. If I ever try it I think I'll stick to just one lower-than-threshold dose though. Anyways what kind of "spiritual work" did you do? Meditation? I'm interested in started some spiritual work for myself.

[special k]

Thanks dude, I'm glad to share my experience and hopefully pass along some of the knowledge learned from my mistakes. I believe a positive mental attitude is a huge part of it, as well as managing expectations. In the first few years it was just hanging tight. Never expecting to trip again, I was pretty happy just to be able to smoke. I still know that even right now I have limitations and honestly I may never be able to take acid or shrooms again. But I don't let that affect my daily life, I'm just grateful for the experiences I did have. It's kinda like a sports injury, you gotta know when to rest and recooperate, but you don't give up on getting back on that bike. It depends on everyone individual circumstances though, some hppd might be comparable to a sprained knee or even a torn acl. It might take really long time, and even some painful rehab, but most people can walk, run, and enjoy life for the most part. They will never be 100 % again but they're getting around. On the other hand some peoples hppd is more comparable to a spinal cord injury. A parapalegic trying to walk everyday is just going to be setting himself up for disappointment and depression.

For me it's about being honest with yourself. In the early years when I was tempted to trip and others around were trying to convince me, I am glad I had the fear at that time. The fear was really my mind telling me, "You're not ready!" It wasn't trying to be malicious or turn me against the drugs. The fear is just my minds way of saying there is something deeper I must confront before I can continue my journey. Whether I choose to confront it on my own and work thorugh it, or try to supress it and have it confront me in the midst of a bad trip, could be the difference between being ok or feeling weird the rest of my life. I am still working on these issues and will continue to until I have an answer.

As for the spiritual work I had mentioned, most of it was achieved through reflection and self analysis. I took a moral self inventory on my character defects and really questioned my motives. I questioned not only the compulsive dosing that night, but also my expectations of the mdma. What was I seeking from these experiences? Was I just rolling to have fun on a new drug? What true insight had I gained? What am I truly risking here? What if something had gone really wrong, like a life threatening overdose or had taken the wrong drug? As I pondered these over the course of a couple months I made some realizations. I was being reckless, I was being deceitful, and I wasn't approaching the the drug with honesty and humility. I realized that I just can't take pressies any more. I realized that I had deceived others in order to have more mdma for myself that night. I realized that I would have to stop using until I had found a way to recognize these thought processes as they are happening and control my behavior.

I have never done meditation, although I have heard it can be useful. For me I do a lot of my thinking when I'm out on a bike ride or when I'm at home with some time and some herb. I would say that the herb has been very helpful for insight, but it has it's limits, and there have been times where taking a break was better for me. Overall though I would say that addressing a lot of the inner turmoil caused by the alcoholics in my life and getting into a 12 step recovery group has been one of the best things I ever did for myself. Doing the steps is what I consider to be the heart of my spiritual work, confronting these deep issues that have been around since before I got into drugs. These were the things my mind was showing me when I had the fear, it knew these would come out whether I was prepared or not. I am glad I listened and took the time I needed before rushing back into things. I am absolutely certain that I made the right decisions for the most part. At the same time I can't deny that I took some hefty risks. Anyone taking a new psychadelic for the first time is taking a risk, if I had tried mdma and gotten worse, I would probably be telling everyone to stay the hell away.

My case is pretty mild and only consists of visuals, everyone's different so you really have to be careful. I would say if anyone is considering mdma, do a ton of research, be with a trusted person who knows about your hppd, and talk to some of the people who got hppd from it. Also take into account that post hppd I went four years not touching any psyches (except once with dmt. I didn't I get enough to get high which is probably for the best) all I did was smoke herb. I had never done mdma until after I had hppd. So even though it was new drug and could potentially fuck me up for life it still wasn't as scary as say, the thought of taking acid again and having it go wrong. Conversely I've talked to people and they could never even consider taking mdma again because that's what gave them hppd, yet they might still consider acid. It's a crazy fucked up awesome world with hppd or not, and so far my journey is working out. But there are no guarantees, and no one can say that if something went wrong in the future that I might not look back on this and say "What the hell was I thinking!?" Peace and be well - K