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The ONLY thing that delivers us is HOPE.

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Happy Saturday Fellow Warriors,

The insufferable nature of HPPD is uncontested. In many ways, it (and related psychotic-spectrum disorders) eerily resembles hell. Avolition (we can't think due to the agony), anhedonia (we're certainly not feeling pleasure being burnt alive), blunted affect (the lack of facial gesture variation due to the sheer hopelessness), flashbacks (constant reminders of why we're enduring this), and existential despair and an overwhelming desire for non-existence (as a desperate last-ditch effort to end our suffering).

I am INCREDIBLY grateful that I've found this community of fellow warriors since the condition itself will have you believe as forms of isolating nonsense.

That being said, my retinas are ASSAULTED by all forms of ungodly, Satanic 😈, demonic 👿 misrepresentations of reality. Obviously, the mind is unable to focus on ANYTHING else if it senses clear and imminent danger in our immediate surroundings. This gives rise to punishing and inescapable thought loops that only compound our helplessness.

Additionally, the disorganized thoughts, the compromised short-term memory, the mind being semi-severed from our senses only adds fuel to the fire.

After my Ayahuasca trip, I SINCERELY feel that a malevolent entity inhabits me that coerces me into thinking and uttering all forms of ungodliness. These are the telltale signs of schizophrenia. 

However, I'm incredibly grateful that my cognitive symptoms have largely seceded. My punishing visual and auditory hallucinations are certainly present. But the fact that I have command over the language centers of my brain allow me to communicate my experience to others and to reprimand the unsightliness that I'm marauded by on a daily basis.

That being said, when we are unable to change what is outside of us, we are forced to change what is inside of us. The quality of psychedelics to change our perspective from extrospection to introspection really allows for a fundamental reevaluation of our beliefs.

Can we assuredly champion our most cherished beliefs about God, Life and the triumph of virtue? Or is the sheer savagery of hppd too painful a departure from our beliefs to retain them? 

For me, it is certainly the latter. While I certainly maintain the necessity of a super intelligence governing all human affairs, I no longer believe it to be entirely benevolent. I'm sure that's a very comforting delusion. But it certainly doesn't translate neatly into my punishing experience.

Even as I compose this, the voice in my head is condemning me to hellfire forever for speaking out against it's intolerable and irredeemable oppression. That's called a religious delusion. 

Thankfully, I believe that God In His omniscience is incredibly forgiving, especially in matters that are entirely avolitive.

This is one thing that existentialist philosophers, despite all their brilliance, missed. The fact that man is a purpose making machine. Despair is suffering without meaning, purpose is suffering with meaning, enlightenment is meaning without suffering. 

Even if my condition persists for the rest of my natural life, the impeccable lessons I've learned about the preciousness of life despite its crushing challenges, And the eternal nature of our deeds here provide me immense solace.

Being a virtuous person is admirable, but being a virtuous person despite it being nearly impossible to do so, is godliness. 

Thus, my friends, May we be able to look at the sheer evil of our condition with unshakable courage. Knowing ourselves to be in the right and the evil to be in the wrong. 

That hope is the only thing that helps us weather the discouraging, merciless onslaught of HPPD.

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