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At the end of the line - ECT or take a gamble with ketamine

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Hi everyone,

I have struggled with treatment resistant depression for most of my life. In 2021, I tried IV and oral ketamine with some but limited success. In late 2021, I got admitted into a clinical trial for psilocybin. 

After my third dose of psilocybin, I started experiencing derealization, intense anxiety and some vision changes. However, I thought psychedelics were key to my healing so I did mushrooms with a guide after the trial. When my distress increased even further, I used prescribed ketamine one week later.

Since then, I've experienced intense HPPD, anxiety, cognitive issues and depression. I'm on keppra (500 mg) and lorazepam as needed, but I can't tolerate any SSRIs or even gabapentin. I was on SSRIs for 25 years before I came off them to participate in the clinical trial.

At this point, several doctors tell me that my only option is ECT. I'm not a candidate for TMS because of a past concussion and a couple of seizures I had when I overdosed on SSRIs at 17.

My psychotherapist/psychiatrist said that we could potentially try ketamine again... Since she feels that ECT could aggravate my cognitive issues.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

I'm also thinking I'm going to apply for MAID (assisted suicide) in March when it becomes available in Canada for people with mental illness.

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