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Member for almost a decade. Have a question about my initial experience with derealization

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my story is posted on here probably a few times, but here it goes again and it’s a short one.

So I was once heavily involved with drugs. Like heavily. It was a short period, maybe 2 years at most. But within that 2 years I cramped more in there than 99% of people do in life times.

If I was to average my daily intake of drugs when I was at my worst it would be something like this;

1-2g of weed a day

.5-1g of meth a day

.5-1g a day

8 xoxo a day

60mg hydros a day

a pack of smokes a day

maybe 12 bears a day 

if you were to average it.

But clearly it was more like 30 beers a day for 2 days each day smoking a gram of weed and half a g of meth while doing a tiner or so of coke. Would take 8 xoxo at a time and then dabble with lsd or mushrooms. This would be a trend for 3-5 days with 3-4 days “off” which just means lowering my intake and not using others like cream and coke. Xoxo and weed was daily.

one day during a binge, maybe only my 2nd day in.  I probably hammered down 30 beers by then, smoked 2 grams of weed, no coke or meth but a ton of xoxo like maybe 14.

I just took another xoxo, drank a beer and then took a huge rip of some hash.

went to the living room and next thing I knew was I just couldn’t comprehend anything. I literally had to communicate to my buddy that I wasn’t right by circling my fingers around my head signing I was fucking crazy.

My head was thumping, I have periods of lost memory, I couldn’t walk, talk or do much really. All I remember was laying down telling myself “I’m going to the fucking insane asylum tomorrow.” 

Like this has been one of the most impactful moments of my life. I didn’t learn from it for awhile but it’s effects started right away regardless.

I woke up the next day, flying out of my body like I could see down on myself for a second and boom, nothing was real anymore. The world was spinning or I was. I just felt insane for the longest.

like I knew it was just in my head but the feeling which also includes visually feeling if you understand what I mean, was just telling me nothing is real.

it’s like my eyes and brain don’t agree with each other is the best way to explain it. There’s a physical and emotional aspect to it of course but the visual is always there regardless.

well back to that night, now 12 or some old years ago. I’ve had many theories and what not but not to long ago my uncle had a stroke. I was told how he acted and it didn’t click with me then.

then now I’m searching up memory loss because I’m having huge swathes of memory loss and just sort of realizing it. Which is weird because some of it is coming back in pieces.

So looking into this memory crap I look into strokes.

I remember what happened to my uncle, read the signs for a stroke and bam I had a flashback to it.

Its a brain stroke, I definitely felt like my brain was going to bust that night. I lost all my functions and was just a meat bag for a night.

So I feel pretty sure a stroke caused this which is sort of scary as I also have been having heart problems.

living with derealization is literally living a ptsd every second of every day. Those who have my experience knows this.

ive also found it easier to have ptsd or ptsd like symptoms very easily after that on something as losing/quitting a job.

it’s not like I was just normally stressed or depressed. This weighted me down for years and still does. It’s a visual event that goes off in my head that causes even more stress and anxiety.

like my brain is constantly in fear mode or panic mode or if it isn’t the switch can be flipped. That’s basically normal anxiety the way it sounds which it is but it has its own tune.

those of you who can relate can relate, those of you who can’t, can at least know you’re not the only fucked up on.

any thoughts on a brain stroke causing this?




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  • 2 months later...

When I had my episode that led me to HPPD literally the next day after the party I felt like I had a stroke as well and it was from some sort of MDMA RC. I don’t think it was MDMA because it it was brown, looked unwashed and the come on for the initial rush felt extremely wrong. 

I had an increase in body temp of probably 2-3 degrees F in a matter of 30-60 seconds and my whole body, including my eyeballs, were shaking. Im Lucky to be alive. So are you. 

my theory is that HPPD caused by serotonergic drugs and research chemicals is caused by down regulation of important visual feedback loop systems in the visual cortex, thereby creating negative feedback loops where our visual cortex becomes much less capable of filtering out useless visual stimuli and this causes us to enter a state of derealization because our minds are being shocked by what we are now perceiving as our reality and the rest of the symptoms develop from there. (Ie. anxiety, depression, nervousness, isolation,) etc. 

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