My 1V-LSD Story with unhappy end

[Heppi]

Hello everyone,

In early May 2022, I took 1V-LSD with a friend in a good setting in a meadow in nature. I must add that I have been diagnosed with depression since 2020. I haven't smoked pot in many years, I was only on a vanishingly small amount of duloxetine (2mg tapering off) and drank very little alcohol in the weeks leading up to it.

I initially popped 1x 10ug 1V LSD pill, then gradually added about 50ug after about 1hr. So my dose was about 60ug in total. Initially, the trip was characterized by somewhat intensifying colors and elevated mood. However, as the trip progressed I became more and more depressed, with pressure in my left abdominal area and pressure on my shoulders. I couldn't let myself go and still somehow tried to get something nice out of the trip. I didn't have any hallucinations and felt rather trapped mentally, was a bit anxious and had sweaty palms. Arriving home with my boyfriend, we talked about my current life situation, which is marked by a crisis with my girlfriend. Because of this crisis, I had repeatedly fallen into strong depressive episodes, from which I always found it difficult to get out again. Anyway, I opened up to my friend and we talked about my inner blocks. But I also noticed that I couldn't relax / let go at that time either and remained rather anxious. We then painted two pictures, which was somewhat liberating. Afterwards we did a meditation, which definitely helped me to feel better for a short time. About 19h after the first dose, my depressive symptoms came over me with a vengeance. I had to leave the apartment and had a hard time calming down / distracting myself. Eventually I succeeded and calmed down a bit, but continued to be quite anxious. It also still felt like I was tripping. I tried to get some sleep, but didn't really manage to do that well or for long. My friend, on the other hand, fell asleep without a problem and stayed asleep for at least 3h.
About 24h after the trip I drove home. Shortly after driving off, a very strong and unpleasant tingling sensation spread in my stomach area, which surpassed any of my previously experienced feelings by worlds. I panicked and had a hard time calming down. I finally succeeded and stayed for about 1h on a nearby meadow.
Arriving home, my familiar surroundings seemed quite alien to me.
The following days were characterized by strong diffuse fears, many emerging images from childhood and a constantly changing emotional coloring of my surroundings. Sleep disturbances also set in. For calming down and against the fears I was given promethazine by the psychiatrist 3 days after the trip, and I myself took small amounts of diazepam 3 times as needed.
Slowly, over a period of 9 weeks, my perception began to change greatly. Changes in my perspective began to occur and feelings of depersonalization / derealization.
My perception seems over-real at times, with intense colors and as if I can see everything at a higher frame rate.
It also feels like I am behind a glass.
My thoughts were also no longer as orderly as I knew them to be, as well as I had the feeling that I could no longer access my memory so reliably.
In the course of time I had strong phases of derealization/depersonalization and something like dissociative states for a few minutes, which were really scary.
The strangest phenomenon, however, is a felt separation of my perception from my consciousness/body. 

I was put on Quetiapine about 1 week ago, which definitely helped me improve my sleep issues and get my thoughts in order. However, it has not improved anything else so far.

I am currently at a loss as to how to proceed, as so far each one has a new unpleasant treat in store.
It also feels like it is getting more unbearable by the day.

Diazepam had helped me best with my symptoms so far.

I don't have any other visual effects like VS.

Thanks so much for reading...
 

Edited July 18, 2022 by Heppi

[Heppi]

Hello,

is there anyone here who has relapsed into recurring, strong childhood emotions / intrusive childhood images since developing their HPPD? Some days my thoughts and memories are fairly organized and almost normal, but other days I'm in a completely different realm of perception, where even my home feels increasingly unfamiliar. My memories are going crazy. Some memories from my youth / childhood are so overwhelming that they almost overwrite my existence / perception of the here and now. I also have incredibly detailed access to some memories. All of this has felt like it's getting worse and worse since the beginning of the HPPD (May 2022). Does anyone know? I also often feel so trapped in my head.

[cosmiccharlie]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles.  For me and many on here, time is the best medicine for a return to normalcy.  I have not experienced the childhood images or emotions that you mention but I'm sure they can be difficult and perhaps distressing.  My advice to you is to not asses your condition too frequently.  You have only a few months since the onset, try and give yourself at least 6 months before really looking at your condition.  In the meantime, try to live the best life you can. Eat well, exercise (even if it exacerbates the symptoms), get as much sleep as you can.  Most importantly, try not to focus on it!  It's there, so what?  The more time and energy you give it the more powerful it can become.  Know that you are trying to recover and be proud of that, there's no where to go but up.  Hang in there. 

Take Care,

Nick 

[Heppi]

Hey cosmiccharlie,

thanks a lot for your advice.

I also think that acceptance is the key. I do sports as often as I can and I try to have fun. Here In Germany the weather is really well at the moment. So I can spend a lot of time outside.

In the last 3 weeks I made a significant progress in relation to my perception. It's nice to see it's getting better, although there is still a long way to go.

 

many greets to all

[Heppi]

Ein kleiner Fortschrittsbericht:

Seit meinem LSD-Trip sind etwa 4,5 Monate vergangen.
Meine Wahrnehmung ändert sich immer noch stetig. Ich fühle mich immer mehr von meiner Umwelt getrennt. Ich bin nicht einmal mehr in der Nähe meines normalen Zustands. Es fühlt sich immer mehr an, als ob ich immer mehr in meinem Kopf gefangen bin. Außerdem immer wieder Kopfschmerzen.
Mein Sehvermögen verändert sich, ich habe oft starke Angst, ich nehme meine Mitmenschen ganz anders wahr, meine Sinne sind ständig überreizt. Meine Perspektive scheint, als wäre ich näher an allem. Mein Gehirn kann das nicht richtig verarbeiten und es entstehen Kopfschmerzen. Alles wirkt irgendwie plastischer, mehr 3D. Oft auch mehr 2D. So etwas hatte ich auf meiner Reise noch nicht erlebt. Es wurde immer krasser. Das Schlimmste ist diese Vergänglichkeit. Es macht mich verrückt.

Dieses extreme Kribbeln im Bauch, das mich kurz nach dem LSD-Trip zum ersten Mal quälte, zeigt sich im Abstand von wenigen Wochen immer wieder. Inzwischen ist es aber weniger intensiv. Es geht auch mit starker Spannung einher. Beruhigend finde ich dann nur, dieses Gefühl anzunehmen und mich der damit verbundenen Traurigkeit hinzugeben und tief zu weinen. Es fühlt sich an, als würde sich meine Wahrnehmung danach immer wieder neu verändern/verschlechtern. Es ist unglaublich entwässernd.

Ich nehme jetzt seit etwa einem Monat Lamotrigin in der Dosierung. Aktuell bei 75mg. Es hilft mir, die extremen Wahrnehmungs-/Stimmungsschwankungen etwas auszugleichen. Sonst würde ich wahrscheinlich immer noch jeden Tag eine Reise durch meine Kindheitserinnerungen machen. Ich habe mich schon lange nicht mehr emotional mit der Welt verbunden gefühlt. Alle Leichtigkeit ist weg. 

Das Leben macht mir in diesem Zustand zu 95% keinen Spaß mehr. Ich kämpfe jetzt wieder mehr mit Depressionen. Zusammen mit meinen psychosomatischen Beschwerden ist die Situation manchmal so quälend, dass ich einfach verzweifle und das Gefühl habe, dass mein Leben in diesen Zeiten enden muss.

Sport macht es zwar etwas erträglicher, beeinträchtigt aber in keiner Weise meine Wahrnehmungsschwingungen.

Es scheint wirklich starkes traumatisches Material zum Vorschein gekommen zu sein, das wahrscheinlich nur Schlamm in der versuchten Integration durch mein Gehirn verursacht.

Meine Hoffnung sinkt mit jedem Tag mehr, dass mein Leben irgendwann wieder ansatzweise lebenswert sein wird.

Eine psycholytische Therapie mit LSD ist in Deutschland leider nicht möglich. Ich würde dies noch als Möglichkeit sehen, um auf Besserung hoffen zu können.
Ansonsten werde ich es spätestens nach einem Jahr mit einem weiteren, ausreichend hochdosierten LSD-Trip versuchen.
Meine Hoffnung ist, die nicht ganz durchlebten Erfahrungen dann einzugestehen. Ich habe nicht viel zu verlieren.

Ich werde auch die Möglichkeit der EKT hier in der Psychiatrie noch einmal ansprechen. Scheint einigen hier geholfen zu haben.

Sollte es komplett schief gehen, hatte ich ungefähr 35 Jahre lang ein ziemlich gutes Leben.

Danke fürs Lesen.

Heppi

Edited September 15, 2022 by Heppi