It's been 6 years, and boy have I recovered.

[jbalsa2]

Well folks I just wanted to make a post regarding my situation. Some of you may remember me from a few years back - I haven't been active on this forum in something like three years or so. I've just started replying to some of the personal messages I've been getting and figured maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to share an update both to give some of the newcomers hope and to reacquaint the old timers. 

Anyways - the first 3 years of my disorder were utter shit. I lost my entire career path, I wasn't able to work or keep attending school. I wound up on social assistance, and faced trouble with the law. For each of these things it was a mound of work to deal with and get over whilst having HPPD. Later on, after I dealt with my legal troubles and found a more permanent living situation, I wound up getting into using methamphetamine and benzodiazepines, both prescribed and purchased from the street. I felt at the time that the short burst of pleasure chemicals provided by these drugs were helping my symptoms of HPPD. Little did I know what peril they were putting the rest of my life in. This drug use went on for 2 years and got extremely bad, causing many problems for myself and my life. I would wind up in the hospital waiting room trying to explain my symptoms of HPPD and methamphetamine psychosis to nurses who wouldn't listen, probably thinking that this guy is another one of the nutjob sob story guys that you see roaming around on the streets every day. (Bless their unfortunate situations and their hearts)

My life deteriorated to the point where I attended rehabilitation, and realized that I had to get clean and sober or I would wind up dead from one thing or another. And so I did. I stopped taking all of my prescribed medications, and all of the street drugs. (It was like prying candy from a toddlers hands, I really did not want to give up what I thought was helping me) That was almost 2 years ago. And in that 2 years I started playing catchup with my life. Working at lower paying jobs for long enough to buy a car and have a decent enough living situation before starting to apply for jobs in my former career path. And as of this date I am working successfully in that career path at the same or better capacity then before all of this shit started.

I still have minor symptoms of HPPD. I have no depersonalization or derealization - just very faint distant visual symptoms that have no impact on my ability to function. I have learned that the ungodly and horrible truth (in my opinion, of course) is that I do not think that the HPPD heals from your body - I think that your body heals from the HPPD. The newfound mutation in the chemistry of your brain is something that now cannot be disturbed, and your body needs to adapt itself to learn how to make it something that works for you instead of against you.

By way of being a human ragdoll and guinea pig, I have come to the conclusion that most or all of the recommended medications that can be prescribed for this disorder will not do anything to make the disorder go away faster, and that most street drugs will make your HPPD worse for a time being, but will not make your HPPD worse permanently. Of course given this information I can say wholeheartedly that anyone with HPPD should do whatever it is they think will make them feel better by way of human nature and wanting to find a solution to their problems. I found that being held back from this human right and part of the learning process often riled me up with anxiety due to the unknowns.

Acceptance is key in this disorder, and accepting change and being open to the future, as well as the drive to fight for another day are what makes or breaks this disorder.

Anyhow, I hope this post finds some of you well - and I am happy to be back here after 6 years, and off of my 3 year hiatus from this forum. 

[Akshay]

Hey

Really happy your doing good 

 

If you don't mind can you rate how your visual symptoms were and how they have reduced on a scale of 1/10 

By naming each visual symptoms 

 

[Akshay]

Can you tell us what visual symptoms has complete resided

[jbalsa2]

12 hours ago, Akshay said:

Hey

Really happy your doing good 

 

If you don't mind can you rate how your visual symptoms were and how they have reduced on a scale of 1/10 

By naming each visual symptoms 

 

My visual symptoms are still present to a very minor degree. They are not bothersome anymore and have the same effect on me as other visual artifacts that everybody experienced before they had HPPD, like when you stare at the sun too long and you get retina burn - you notice it for half a minute or so and then it slips from your mind, and you don't think about it anymore nor does it bother you.

I go entire weeks without even paying attention to the fact that my visual symptoms still exist - and the odd time that I do pay attention to them or notice them, it always seems like either they are improving or my brains ability to heal from them is gradually improving from month to month or year to year.

I can't speculate on whether I might still have these symptoms 5 more years from now or not, but either way they will not have a considerable impact on my life going forward.

[kynerer]

I remember your posts and I'm glad you're doing well. More proof that acceptance is the best medicine.

[PjTx]

Did you have palinopsia and tinnitus? how long did it take for these to fade? im goign on 8 months now with no change.

Edited August 12, 2022 by PjTx

[josht9210]

Are you on any prescription meds rn?

[jbalsa2]

On 8/12/2022 at 6:19 AM, PjTx said:

Did you have palinopsia and tinnitus? how long did it take for these to fade? im goign on 8 months now with no change.

Palinopsia took about 4 years to become negligible. (Don't worry - the first 3 years sucks, and it breaks my heart to have to say that the only way to get better is to literally embrace that there is no easy answer to recovering from this - all I can say is that you will) I never really had tinnitus - at one point during my HPPD things got really bad, and after winding up in jail and other really crappy things started to happen I started using methamphetamine and benzodiazepines pretty religiously, and I think those two coupled with my HPPD caused me to get really bad tinnitus because I was constantly in withdrawal or psychosis from one thing or the other. Once I stopped doing those drugs, my tinnitus went away - but even then it took like a year for it to go away because those withdrawal symptoms take so long to fade. But definitely the major symptoms of HPPD take years to really get to a point where they improve. 

I cant say if they will ever go away, because much like you, I still live with this - it just doesn't really affect me anymore, its as engrained into my life as having to shave every 2nd or 3rd day, or having to do the dishes after I cook. 

 

On 8/23/2022 at 12:50 PM, josht9210 said:

Are you on any prescription meds rn?

I am not. I used to take every prescription medication a doctor could throw at me. None actually really helped in the long run. Maybe keppra or lamictal or whatever helped to ease the mind in the shortrun in at least convincing myself I was doing something to help myself, but now I don't take any medication or drugs at all and my symptoms are negligible in the grand scheme of things. 

At one point I even convinced a family doctor to prescribe me high doses of Clonazepam and Dextroamphetamine while I used street Xanax and Methamphetamine - provided allot of short term relief and was allot of fun for a year or two until the negative health effects really started shining through, which is when me and my family knew that I needed to stop. When I stopped I faced MONTHS long withdrawal symptoms, and then stopped taking all my meds altogether.

Way better off.

Edited September 17, 2022 by jbalsa2