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Hi everyone,

I've been dealing with hppd for about 4 years. It started when i tried MDMA for the first time when i was 17 - at first I only had very light visual snow, only in the dark. A few months after that i got addicted to tramadol, i did around 500mg daily (then slowly increased the doses to over a gram..) and it kept me from feeling tired so I barely slept. This lasted for about a year. Severe sleep deprivation made the symptoms worse over time, i started seeing flashes of colorful light and psychedelic patterns in the dark. After 3 overdoses and multiple failed attempts at quitting I went to rehab and quit tramadol for good.

Things really started going downhill last year when i got into research chemicals. After a bad trip with 1cp-lsd my visual snow got worse, it was everywhere all the time. i started seeing shapes and letters appearing out of nowhere even with my eyes open, textures (like patterns on wood, carpets, walls..) would swirl around, everything got flickery, and i got colorful fractals appearing in the center of my vision from time to time. I felt out of touch with everything

Then this year I started doing stimulant RCs (basically fake meth lol) because they're very cheap and easy to buy, but they have very long lasting effects and terrible physical side effects.  Every time i did some the symptoms got worse then would go back to normal after a day or two, until one day they didn't haha

a few months ago... 350mg of 3FMA (for reference an average high dose is around 60mg. compulsive redosing is one of the side effects) and 400mg of MDMA a few days later was all it took to really make my life a living hell. on top of all the symptoms i already had before, visual snow got waayyy worse than usual, now it makes it hard to concentrate in everyday life, sometimes it completely obscures my vision (especially in dim light), makes me unable to recognize faces, i have a hard time reading because of the bright dots i see on white surfaces like paper. sometimes the visual snow becomes 3 dimensional, it looks like it's flowing slowly in the air, i can't stare at anything for more than a few seconds because everything starts to wobble and move around, i see flashes of very bright light even in complete darkness and they wake me up when i start falling asleep

i also developped severe DR/DP to the point that at some point every second was disconnected from the other. it felt like every second i woke up as someone different. i get deja vus multiple times a day (funnily enough im getting one writing this right now). i used to love watching movies but now I can't because i keep feeling like I've already seen every movie i watch, even ones I'm 100% sure I've never seen before and it drives me crazy.. i can't draw anymore, i can't play video games anymore, i can't get out of the house anymore because everything makes me anxious. going to work everyday feels like torture because DR/DP made me develop a phobia of public transportation (and public spaces in general). i feel like everyone knows I'm not "really there", I'm scared of looking at people or even breathing near them because I'm scared they'll notice me. i know it's absurd but i hold my breath when I'm near strangers because i don't want them to hear me breathe. It's also very hard for me to think coherently, and when i speak i usually don't even know what I'm going to say, it's like my mouth talks on its own... i can still write coherently so I have a notebook i use to write down all my thoughts when it gets too hard to think. sometimes my thoughts get "out of control", i know they're technically my thoughts but it feels like they're someone else's. I have memory issues, both short term and long term. I've also had out of body experiences happen randomly.

All the psychiatrists I've seen think I have psychosis so I stopped trying to get treatment; they've made me take risperidone, abilify and seroquel. None of these worked at all, they just made me feel tired and shaky all the time.

For a while I thought I had a brain injury but i finally did an MRI last month and my brain is fine. I smoke a lot of weed and while it does make the visuals worse, it makes me feel less anxious and depressed. sometimes i eat an edible before going to bed to help me fall asleep faster, it makes it easier to ignore the flashing lights. i also use oxazepam occasionally when my anxiety get really bad, but it worsens my memory issues.

I feel very alone and i don't know what to do. I'm only 20 and i can't imagine living the rest of my life like this, i really hope one day everything will get better

 

 

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Hello, 

I'm sorry you're struggling so much.  From your story it seems like you have a tendency to impulsively take drugs.  I had similar behavior when I was your age (I am now 32).  This led me to eat 15 hits of good LSD in one night when I was 18.  For me, recovery came in stages.  I first had to realize that if I continued with the way I was my life wouldn't amount to much plus my sanity would likely be demolished.  I had some warning signs that my mind wasn't tolerating psychedelics well anymore such as panic attacks, visual distortions and DR/DP.  These scared me enough to take a long break from tripping.  I advise you to consider stopping hard drugs for a while.  Weed as you said can make things worse but like I said, recovery can come in stages.  I continued to smoke weed after I stopped and after a few months most of the HPPD symptoms dramatically subsided.  You are young and have a chance to recover but don't wait until things get worse!  Try not to focus on any mistakes just remember that stopping drugs is probably the best thing you can do right now.  Keep reaching out to us and stay positive.  If I can get better then so can you.  

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