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3 years now, doing very well


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I took a slew of RCs, stims, and LSD when I was 17, developed sever hppd very rapidly and a month after turning 18 I left the state and moved to live away from my friends and family so I could sort my mess out without being a burdeon on them, I was very bewildered and scared as to the state of my entire being, DP/DR up the wazoo, and driven slightly psychotic by the visuals, I was trying my best to find a reason for them that didn't involve admitting that I had fried my brain beyond repair.

The stimulants left me very paranoid but I always managed to shut the worst thoughts out, I entertained alternate delusional explanations for reality eg being grown in an illusory cage for the entertainment of malevolent higher forces, ala the matrix (derealization fantasies). I entertained the ideas, never grew to fully believe in anything that wasn't plain and easy to see in front of me, but not ever shutting any ideas out as they always tended to come out later with more force, as if my mind, searching for answers, refused to let me leave any loose ends.

The tibetan book of the dead was a huge help to me during this time but I would not consider myself a buddhist.

My girlfriend in VT introduced me to xanax, first time I took it I woke up feeling as if I had defeated some monster, DP/DR greatly reduced for a short time only, but the experience overall marked a turning point in my feelings that the condition was irreversible. I was from that point on able to will my way to a more "normal" mode of thought.

The first few months were some of the darkest days of my life, but it was because I was only seeing the condition worsening and I was convincing myself that my deteriorating condition marked a slow decent into a hell of insanity, having that breath of fresh clean air helped me start to reverse the process.

I began actively searching for benzos (clonazepam to be exact, I had read some stories here about its usefulness and I was, at that time, very willing to do whatever I needed to get a "cure", thankfully I was unable to find a supplier for it and I was too scared to consult a doctor because I was afraid that I would get locked in a psych ward.

I sobered up and six months after moving to VT, I returned home, still pretty bad but better than when I had left. DP/DR had left for the most part and was more episodic in nature, rather than a constant feeling of detachment.

Visuals were still pretty bad and I had horrible trouble concentrating, my performance at work suffered.

approx 1.2 years after the first "trip that didn't quite end" I found that I could order xanax via a courier service online.

This was one of the stupidest irresponsible and dangerous decisions I have ever made, I was desperate, depressed, and willing to try anything.

The stuff nearly killed me, but not because it didn't work... I ran out.

I have very very hazy memory of what happened between november 10th 2009 and december 23rd 2009, but I know that I consumed somewhere around 450 mg of alprazolam, played a lot of MW2, and turned into an absolute and total asshole.

I stole a love interest from my best friend, who constantly talked her up and was obviously very enamored with her. I decided that he could pick another girl, because I wanted that one.

She later told me that it was some of the best sex she had ever had, but I can't actually remember the act. At all.

While the Xanax didn't make the visuals disappear completely, it did destroy my conscience, and my ability to remember anything.

Sometime in December, I decided that I hated my job, where I had been working since turning 14, and decided that it would be best not show up to work anymore.

I was the only employee and when I finally stopped ignoring frantic phone calls from the managers, I proceeded to demand an exorbitant raise... I received it. Yes, I no call-no showed at work and they gave me a raise.

I was now taking 12mg+ of alprazolam a day, I had an unusually high tolerance to the stuff, the first day I got them I took 2mg and had no trouble staying awake and chatting with people, my speech wasn't affected either.

A friend of mine wanted to try it and I gave one to em, within twenty minutes he was passed out drooling on my carpet and slept for 10 hours.

And then I woke up.

I had no more xanax, and I had spent all of my money. I also had lost my ability to walk.

For a week, I couldn't sleep.

Visuals had gone completely haywire, my muscles were rigid and weak, getting out of bed was a monumental task and when I finally did stand up my equilibrium was so off that I stumbled into a wall, it's like my mind was becoming unclouded but I had all the physical symptoms of being completely smashed drunk and hungover at the same time.

I felt more aware by the hour, I also realized that I very well might have a grand mal seizure.

I'm too tired to write anymore, continued soon.

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Sorry to hear the probs you've had. Yes, I've run into probs taking klonopin. Those drugs can numb you out, then if you try to come off them abruptly, watch out....Anyways, I think it goes to show anyone considering a benzo needs to take it very seriously, they are not to be fooled around with. Probably best not take any at all.....

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