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Just seeing if anyone can relate to me and/or give me some advice


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I've had HPPD for about 5 months now. I'm 100% sure it was caused by two intense mushroom trips spaced about a week apart.

My symptoms include:

-Trails and static

-Moving patterns

-Objects changing shape/size

-Anxiety

These last three symptoms seem to be the easiest to cope with in my case. The symptoms that really scare me are the ones that seem to happen more inside my head.

-I get racing thoughts that move extremely fast and seem to branch out on to different strings of thoughts so I end up thinking about too many things at once and this seems to trigger a lot of my anxiety.

- All of my perceptions and memories feel hazy which is usually accompanied by deep thoughts about what is going to happen when I die and other philosophical things like that which seem to also increase my anxiety

-Random disturbing or confusing thoughts pop into my head for example picturing in my head my throat being sliced or other images of harming myself or being harmed. I have never self mutilated or even considered it which is also one of the reasons why this really troubles me.

-Sometimes while trying to sleep I get extreme depersonalization accompanied by a feeling that I am melting which I experienced while on the trip. I also have distorted perception of the feeling of my body as in my body will feel long and stretched out as if i were made out of putty and pulled across the room.

I have various other symptoms, but most cannot even be put into words.

I take this condition very seriously and I've completely cut all drugs out of my system and severely cut down on my drinking(about once every month and a half and only having 1 or 2 beers). I run collegiate cross country and track so I run every day so my exercise is taken care of. I try to avoid caffeine as much as possible because it makes my symptoms slightly worse. I try to make sure to get a decent amount of sleep; I feel like this has a lot to do with worsening or bettering of my symptoms. The problem with sleep is that I have to find a happy medium because too little sleep makes symptoms worse and too much sleep makes symptoms worse.

Also my symptoms seemed like they were getting better about 3 months in, but I was prescribed an SSRI which drastically worsened symptoms.

Anyway sorry to write a book, but I would really appreciate your comments and suggestions

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey,

In response to your message. I have had HPPD since I was 17, Im now 22.

It took about a year and a bit to clear of the symptoms your going through - pretty much exactly.

Im now going through it again, I was really really ill with the flu and it run me down so bad, the anxiety started, which in turn brought the Hppd back on pretty hardcore and the depersonalisation (which seems to be the worst) - i can deal with the tripping.

QUOTE;

-Random disturbing or confusing thoughts pop into my head for example picturing in my head my throat being sliced or other images of harming myself or being harmed. I have never self mutilated or even considered it which is also one of the reasons why this really troubles me.

- this happend to me first time round. Like really phsycotic shit, of peoples faces smashing together, blood.

-Id then have wig outs where I couldnt get rid of a certain thought - Id be walking in high heels and i would trip and my ankles would crack open and snap and Id be on the floor completely fucked. Over and over and over again. It all blends with other patterns and images in my head.

Its really disturbing.

-Sometimes while trying to sleep I get extreme depersonalization accompanied by a feeling that I am melting which I experienced while on the trip. I also have distorted perception of the feeling of my body as in my body will feel long and stretched out as if i were made out of putty and pulled across the room.

I get that too. my arms feel like their longer and the floors almost far away, but its not etc.

A really odd string of unexplainable thoughts until I honestly feel like Im going to explode.

Its awefull.

But if it makes you feel any better, Im going through it as well. Im still not in control of the anxiety second time round - its drivin me nuts and its what makes everything a million times worse.

DO NOT GO ON MEDICATION. No sort. it just fucks with your head.

What we have is neuron damage and the brain has a amazing capability of healing. You just gotta get through it (i gotta get through it - again).

The docs just try and chategorize us as skitso but its not the case.

On the plus side, I dont get the images of violence etc anymore. The second time round, its not as bad as the first.

As for sleeping, I have the TV on and I stare at the damn thing until I pass out. Rolling around in bed only makes you wig the hell out.

What works for me is, one day at a time. All you afto do it take it one hour at a time even. It peaks and then it comes down.

Im doing some healing and body massage next week - the lady is amazing and about 5 months ago I had had a bad knee for almost 2 years and since having one seshion of the healing - I havent had a problem with it since.

I emailed her explaining what was going on and she rang me today saying my aura is damaged and anyways....shes going to work on me.

Do you want me to let you know how it goes? maybe we could keep in touch for support.

Ill private message you my details.

We could chat on msn and stuff.

Ok hopefully hear from you soon.

Sara

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  • 1 month later...
Guest Adriana_

Wow....I've been going through hell the last couple months and I think I may finally have figured out what's going on.

I did shrooms in the summer and right after I was fine and I thought it was a great experience but slowly weird things started happening like I started seeing flashing lights and having lucid dreams. I thought this was kind of cool at first but things just got way way worse. Other than the shrooms I just smoked pot occasionally and drank. I started thinking I had psychosis, schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder because it affected my mood too. I started seeing geometric patterns on the walls, moving shadows, seeing lots of faces and creatures that looked like they were talking to me sometimes, crazy close eyed visuals that glowed fluorescently sometimes and lots of eyes that would look right at me. I even started hearing music sometimes like it was off in the distance. I also felt depersonalization and derealization. I would look at my arms and think they looked weird and didn't belong to me and that they might hurt me. Sometimes things would all just seem surreal in some weird way. Once my whole field of vision became sideways ! It was all very fucked up. I had already been seeing a therapist before and she made me go to the hospital. I've been seeing a psychiatrist now and he thinks it will all go away with time. Yet he has prescribed me antipsychotics. Which I think even make the hallucinations worse, I've stopped taking them. They all seem quite baffled with what is going on with me because they say it doesn't fit into any diagnosis properly. Maybe because it's an episodic thing, and the fact that I knew these things weren't real and I felt I could induce them by thinking about it. It really messed with my life though. I thought I was going crazy. I mean I already had borderline personality disorder, but that has nothing to do with hallucinations or anything like that. I also had lots of racing thoughts, and this fear I would get sometimes. Like absolute terror, of objects or just all my surroundings like something bad was going to happen. Also I feel like I lose control of my thoughts sometimes, it's like I'm dreaming when I'm awake literally. I don't know if that has happened to anyone else ? Still not sure what the final diagnosis will be maybe I have mixed symptoms with other things too but I really feel that the description of the visuals that I have matches up with HPPD like freakishly well.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Adriana, what you are describing sounds almost exactly like what I am going through. My symptoms have been progressing as well and it sounds to me like you have HPPD. I have experienced everything you described and its not getting any easier for me. Sounds like you are having a tough time with it as well. I'm just holding on to the hope that it will get better in time. If you ever need anyone to talk to about this stuff just let me know, I think I could relate to you extremely well.

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they were getting better about 3 months in, but I was prescribed an SSRI which drastically worsened symptoms.

It seems that most HPPDers don’t do well with SSRIs … there are always exceptions to the rule and docs love to dole these out … but again be careful with these. Since you are off Lexapro now, enough on this topic

IMO, you may wish to avoid anti-psychotics as well. But these are very personal decisions

DO NOT GO ON MEDICATION. No sort. it just fucks with your head

What we have is neuron damage and the brain has a amazing capability of healing. You just gotta get through it (i gotta get through it - again).

The docs just try and chategorize us as skitso but its not the case.

I agree that ultimately the brain must do the healing. However, to categorically say to avoid medication cause it might mess you up is not a lot different than saying, don’t eat cause you might get fat, develop heart disease and diabetes.

It is of concern that you still suffer these distressing thoughts and feelings. They seem to fall into the category of attention and focus (kind of a norepinephrine thing, but nothing is so easily defined)

At 5 months, you are new at this. Do you feel that you are getting better at all now you stopped the SSRI? Or is it been to soon to say?

Wish you success...

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  • 3 months later...

Hey,

In response to your message. I have had HPPD since I was 17, Im now 22.

It took about a year and a bit to clear of the symptoms your going through - pretty much exactly.

Im now going through it again, I was really really ill with the flu and it run me down so bad, the anxiety started, which in turn brought the Hppd back on pretty hardcore and the depersonalisation (which seems to be the worst) - i can deal with the tripping.

QUOTE;

-Random disturbing or confusing thoughts pop into my head for example picturing in my head my throat being sliced or other images of harming myself or being harmed. I have never self mutilated or even considered it which is also one of the reasons why this really troubles me.

- this happend to me first time round. Like really phsycotic shit, of peoples faces smashing together, blood.

-Id then have wig outs where I couldnt get rid of a certain thought - Id be walking in high heels and i would trip and my ankles would crack open and snap and Id be on the floor completely fucked. Over and over and over again. It all blends with other patterns and images in my head.

Its really disturbing.

-Sometimes while trying to sleep I get extreme depersonalization accompanied by a feeling that I am melting which I experienced while on the trip. I also have distorted perception of the feeling of my body as in my body will feel long and stretched out as if i were made out of putty and pulled across the room.

I get that too. my arms feel like their longer and the floors almost far away, but its not etc.

A really odd string of unexplainable thoughts until I honestly feel like Im going to explode.

Its awefull.

But if it makes you feel any better, Im going through it as well. Im still not in control of the anxiety second time round - its drivin me nuts and its what makes everything a million times worse.

DO NOT GO ON MEDICATION. No sort. it just fucks with your head.

What we have is neuron damage and the brain has a amazing capability of healing. You just gotta get through it (i gotta get through it - again).

The docs just try and chategorize us as skitso but its not the case.

On the plus side, I dont get the images of violence etc anymore. The second time round, its not as bad as the first.

As for sleeping, I have the TV on and I stare at the damn thing until I pass out. Rolling around in bed only makes you wig the hell out.

What works for me is, one day at a time. All you afto do it take it one hour at a time even. It peaks and then it comes down.

Im doing some healing and body massage next week - the lady is amazing and about 5 months ago I had had a bad knee for almost 2 years and since having one seshion of the healing - I havent had a problem with it since.

I emailed her explaining what was going on and she rang me today saying my aura is damaged and anyways....shes going to work on me.

Do you want me to let you know how it goes? maybe we could keep in touch for support.

Ill private message you my details.

We could chat on msn and stuff.

Ok hopefully hear from you soon.

Sara

Holy crap. And I thought I was the only one.

I've had really long strands of unexplainable thoughts...never thought anyone else had experienced it but me.

When I go to sleep, I feel like my arms are vibrating or not where they are, too. I think it's not too rare.

When I try and clear my head, I get semi-coherent half-formed thoughts going through my head. They're usually not very developed, though, and I just forget about them.

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