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HPPD Experiences : 7/4 and Hawaii Vacation


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On Fourth of July, I made a dumbass decision to swallow 16 allergy pills(400mg of diphenhydramine). Actually I'll tell the full truth here. I did that same dose of diphenhydramine 3 nights in a row ! Visuals ten times worse than before. Derealization intensified. A few days before I left, I got magnesium glycinate pills from a friend. I took a couple and shit ! Fucked me up for two days straight. Static visuals got better but halos were the same. I walked out of my house at 11:30 at night and walked all the way to this area where my friend dumped the allergy pills. I hallucinated for like an hour on the way there. I remember walking with an old friend from elementary school having a full on conversation with him and he disappeared ! this was the 2nd time I full on hallucinated without any drugs ! When I got to the location, I was walking around with a knife cuz I was scared as shit, I ended up not getting the allergy pills. My mom was pissed. She had been treating me like the black sheep of the family ever since learning about my past drug use. And when my dad found out about me walking out at night, he believed I was on drugs, which I wasn't. The magnesium helped the static visuals but halos looked the same. Made me feel nothing but sadness and anger. I even broke down crying for like 3 minutes. I have had almost no appetite and had to force myself to eat. I felt better the day I left for Hawaii, but still had small episodes here and there. Today, I still have very low appetite and food tastes a lot different. The 6 hour plane ride was the worst. One second I was normal and then I would start feeling nauseous and the brain fog was the worst it had ever been in a while. I could barely even talk. After landing in Hawaii, I just tried to enjoy Hawaii as much as I could. i woke up at 5am the first morning and THE FUCKING VISUALS WERE SUPER INTENSE ! I usually keep phone on very low brightness to avoid halos but this time, I still saw bad halos even with the phone on its lowest brightness setting. After that, we got up started exploring and almost never thought about HPPD for the next 4 days. But now it is the night of day 5 of my vacation and all day, I have been feeling bad brainfog, still very low appetite and weird sense of taste that I have had since taking the Magnesium. In the car, the interior is black so I had to deal with visuals during car rides. Super strange visuals underwater, Visuals that I never seen before and hard to describe. Just sitting here typing this and going back making sure my brainfog isn't affecting the way I am typing.

I been in Hawaii for 5 days now and can hardly remember anything clearly. I just remember everything the same I way I remember dreams which I am used to since almost all of my memories are like this. I am feeling very slight sadness as I am typing this but I am glad the (possible) depersonalization is keeping me from getting very sad. I told my friend to keep the HPPD discussion to a minimum cuz I don't want to get stressed out and I don't want him to get stressed out either. Memories from today are coming back so I might be going out of order now. Had a panic attack this morning when I woke up. Been having a hard time thinking all day. I started pacing around the hotel room just like I do at home. I hope the rest of this vacation doesn't turn out to be like it has been today. I have been keeping it all inside all day and finally decided to write this. I still have had minor episodes of anxiety during this vacation but I am always a ball of nerves. Anyone else go on vacation with HPPD ? What is it like for you ? Any different than vacations before you got HPPD ?

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what i did: 

i stopped looking at the visuals to see if thy would go away or not

 

 i stopped analyizing whether i had brain fog or not 

 

 

yes it was hard for me, but whatever u focus on becomes ur reality. So try not to let them distract you?'

 

 

 

try to make the visuals be not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things?  i mean yeah theyre in youre face but learn to see past them? idk 

 

 

 

I hear u on the "black sheep" thing, that means that your family loves you conditionally, which isnt real love.

I am that, too, and my family totally rejects me. scapegoat for everything.

 

 

Black sheep means that you were asserting ur own independence away from their rigid rules and traditions, from my experience. 

Haters will be haters. even if theyre ur own family sadly. Just dont try to change them .

 

-there's actually a SHIT TON of content online about "black sheep"

I reccomend watching this video on it 

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Update 7/15/15 : yesterday was sorta hell but I feel great today. Visuals as usual but I try not to look at walls or blank surfaces and I keep my phone on low brightness in the dark. Low brightness doesnt get rid of halos completely but it helps. I no longer have the desire to smoke which is great. Appetite is still low ever since the magnesium pills though but I don't care about that

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Update 7/16/15 : last day of being in Hawaii. Still seeing visual snow or static if I look at blank surfaces and in the dark and I see halos around phone in the dark but the visuals are not all in my face this time. They are still intense but I am working on ignoring them. Sitting in our resort room and lethargic as fuck. Can't really think.

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7/16/15, 9:10 pm : well last day of Hawaii vacation and the derealization just pisses me off. Every memory of everything I did on this vacation is like a faded memory of a dream. I hate this feeling where I feel like I'm in a dream. Just gotta accept this as the "new normal"

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