I don't understand this condition

[noworries]

I've been feeling pretty neutral recently. I've been dwelling less and less on my symptoms but they aren't going away (not that I expected them to). Some of my symptoms seem to flucuate by the day in severity, for example the ghosting I get off of circular diffused light sources seems to be variable in intensity by the day and I honestly can't tell if the general trend is getting better or worse. Afterimages are sometimes better than usual which is an improvement all together because they used to be consistently somewhat mild, now there are times when they are barely there at all.

 

The inspiration for this post was something that happened literally 20 minutes ago. I was walking back to my dorm from my first class of the day and noticed that elements of my vision were flickering, this isn't new, it happens every now and then but usually goes away after a few minutes (which it did). However in the midst of this I noticed something new, a giant opaque orb of orange in the center of my vision, not unlike a burn-in afterimage. This freaked me out but I didn't have an anxiety attack or anything like that. It went away after a couple of minutes. It was by far the most intense symptom I've encountered and arguably my only "true" hallucination. Everything else seems to be a reaction to light or other stimulus, this was just an orange blob in my vision. This is getting frustrating.

 

I've resumed drinking in moderation, no more than six beers once a week. I honestly don't think this is related to that because I haven't consumed any alcohol since last friday and neither the acute or post-alcohol effects seem to have any impact on my symptoms.

 

I've been doing well, I'm just getting annoyed by how stagnant my visuals seem to be. They seem so mild that I almost want them (though not actually) to get worse so I can confidently speak of this disorder. I walk around most of the time barely noticing anything wrong, I just have enough HPPD to bother me. I think I'm cursed to be anxious about this sort of thing because I've always been a very cautious, level-headed person. I know other people who have HPPD though much worse and they don't seem to give a shit, they still smoke weed and do drugs and while I understand that they will likely fall lower than I am one of these days, I almost wish I could have their attitude about it.

 

I'm looking forward to this summer, I'm counting on A LOT of recovery to occur. By for now.

[LethargicAcid]

(erased this comment)

[umit]

I dont understand my condition to and i think i wil never know what its happening now