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New Boost taking over my life


Meadow
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It's been a while since my last post here and I just started visiting this forum again a few weeks ago, when I felt something strange is going to happen. And it worsened. After a few days I realised it's my HPPD again... It "went away" (or better: not bothered me) for quiet a long time. I can't tell how long exactly, because I totally lost my track of time.

But now it is here again in full bloom of doom. Everywhere where are patterns they start to move and change colours and unsettle me a lot. Visual snow is all over my sight again and so many other optical effects I can't describe now in full detail, because looking at the screen is pretty hard too. I can hardly read what I wrote, so sorry if there are any typing mistakes. 

But the worst part is Depersonilasation and Derealisation. I feel so out of place, out of my body and what ever you want to call it. All my senses have gone nuts and I really can't define what the term "me" does mean. Everyday-life is nearly impossible and I even don't know what I am doing here right now.

 

Point is, I was studying chemistry at university, what I liked, kind of, and I was not so bad at it. But with my new state of mind I can't handle it anymore. I just looked for the papers you need to quit the whole thing there. It would be a waste of money and time if I'd continue. Last time I went there I was just sitting there staring at all the colourfull moving patterns. When I try to study at home, dp/dr kicked me off everything and I was just sitting there and... I don't really know how I spent all that time, it just flooded away.

 

I don't know how to tell my parents about that (I am living with my mother) because she doesn't know anything about my "drug-aftermaths"and I really don't know how to go on with my life. When it stays like this (which ist the most probable case in my eyes) I can't participate in any job or stuff like that and I just don't know what to do.

I just want some quiet place with no patterns where everything can get to normality again.

 

Because I am always hiding in my room I don't have any friends in the real world whom I could tell about that... most won't understand anyways. 

So thanks for listening and if someone has some advice or whatever they are very appreciated :')

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Hi meadow, first of all I like ur name because my favourite tv serie is The Soprano (u can look for haha)

Then, I can tell u some, if u say that u had been feel better, now you know that things can get better again! :)

What's the reason for not tell to your mun your disorder? Is fear for her reaction, she is totally counter recreative drug uses, or in wort case, u think that she wouldn't support you...

About have a friend... I know that is really difficult met some and open ur hearth and says that you are suffering a nightnare, but let me tell you some, you won't lost nothing for try and sure there is somebody that will support you, good people exist :)

That are the things that I can tell you, Im suffering HPPD also and I 'm trying to live day to day, because problems can get worse... if one leave to fight.

Futhermore, my last advice, had visit you doctors? I think you can looking for the meds that would help you daily, try that how objetive and I'm sure that you will found.

My gmail jmsanz6609@gmail.com if u need talk, or some.

For finish,

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Thanks you two for answering :)

I am not enrolled in university anmore, I left it two days ago and told my mom the day after. She wasn't so happy about it, but it's my life and so on.. I can't care about that atm.

 

My mom knows about me doing drugs, but she isn't happy at all about that and if I told her about HPPD she would be like "Ha, told you!" maybe she wouldn't say it, but I am sure, that this will be her thoughts.

 

I know that I have nothing to lose and I keep saying that to me in many situations where it works. But I've been always shy and needed some time to warm up with new people and I think most people won't give me that time.

The year in university I didn't make any friends. I've sat on my own and around me all those people with new friends and talking and having fun and I was just there with a silent "help me" in my eyes.

 

My mom really presses me to find something new to do... and this isn't helpful at all, but you guys know that of course.

 

I think I am going to write the two of you personal messages later this evening or in a few days.

Thanks again. It feels so good to know that I am not alone on this planet with a confused mind.

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I've checked the Sopranos (wiki-article) and it sounds intresting, maybe I am going to watch it. The problem is, I don't like watching TV and it messes with my visuals.

My name is inspired by a real meadow with appletrees on it. A nice place to relax and escape the world

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I've checked the Sopranos (wiki-article) and it sounds intresting, maybe I am going to watch it. The problem is, I don't like watching TV and it messes with my visuals.

My name is inspired by a real meadow with appletrees on it. A nice place to relax and escape the world

 

The Sopranos is IMO in the top three category for best TV shows ever made. I´m sure you´d love it, so give it a try :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Meadow,

It is unsettling to read that after having 'recovered' for a substantial amount of time that your symptoms have got so bad again - I have read this from lots of people. I am sorry this happened to you and wish you all the best. Is there anything that could have caused this relapse?

Best,

S

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Thanks syntheso, it means a lot to me to know that I am not alone with this :)

 

I don't really know about what could have caused it... maybe stress in university or me taking opiates at rugularly base, but that's going on for at least 1,5 years I guess and the coming-back of the symptons started a few months ago....

Maybe the big *whatever rules the world* just got boring and decided I could need some colour and dp/dr again. I am not religios at all, but in the last time I like to think of some plan behind everything, like as an excuse or something like that

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