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My introduction


Keller
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Finally the registration has worked for me! I will try to make this as short as possible and still try to put as much information about myself in the text. 

 

I am a 21 year old guy from Sweden who's been having HPPD for 2 years now after a trip on mushrooms. When I was a kid I used to get these "Derealization attacks" where I would just walk on the street and for 5 seconds I would burst away from reality and think " Am I really here? " and then it would return to normal. This happened about once a day perhaps until the day I got HPPD and it became a constant non-changing feeling. I also used to see small amounts of visual snow in the dark, halos, starbursts, afterimages and other visual phenomenons all my life. I've read many, many stories online and it seems people who have had small symptoms of HPPD before seem more likely to develop it after a trip.

 

I had a moderately terrible childhood, the first few years that probably is the reason I've had sleeping problems since my childhood and also childhood depression. I wanted to kill myself at age 8. This eventually passed but I was almost never a happy child. Developed mild OCD at age 10 that never went away. Age 13-19 I developed some sort of social anxiety in some situations, I also become quite depressed again so I started drinking a lot on weekends and even before school to cope with how I felt, stopped having erections because of the depression as well, 0 libido for years. I had great memory before HPPD and memorized stuff in school in no time. So I would be drunk there easily and still learn.

 

After 18 I started smoking weed daily and it made me feel better and I met new friends that I hung around with everyday smoking. Tried Amphetamines and cocaine a few times before I turned 19 and went to amsterdam. My truffle-trip that gave me the HPPD:

 

We had been smoking weed all day and I decided to try some shrooms. We bought 10g. each me and my friend and ate them. At first my trip was fine, I was giggling like crazy and the room sometimes got 20x larger and then 20x smaller. But after 1-2 hours the trip turned bad. I probably got a panic attack and on shrooms it wasn't nice. Thought I was going to die but managed to hide it from my friends. Went in and out of the bathroom "Lagging". When you got bad connection playing a first person shooter, it was exactly like that. I "lagged" 20 feet at a time when I was walking. This went on for about 2-3 hours and I was walking between the bed and the bathroom like 20 times. I begun coming down and fell alseep. The day after I felt a little "spacey" and weird but made nothing of it. Just had a bad trip so I guess it's understandable. Smoked some weed and didn't really get that good feeling, just sat there.

 

When I got home from the vacation I felt a little weird all the time but nothing in particular. Then I smoked weed again and BOOM, exactly the same panic attack as on the shrooms. I started "lagging" again, couldn't feel my pulse or if I was breathing, thought I was going to die... again. Smoked a couple of more times after that and same thing happened everytime. I became hypochondric since I had no idea what was happening when I was sober. I felt my heart beating all the time, my arms were tingling constantly.(Because of the stress/anxiety). Went to the hospital and said I felt extremely weird and my heart was beating strangely sometimes. They said I was fine. I was feeling so bad at this time since I was certain something had happened to me. For 4-5 months I barely left the house. I had so many physical issues at that time I was certain there was something physically wrong with me. But everything was caused by the stress. Dropped 20 % of my body weight and was so destroyed. Family just thought I was depressed or had drug problems...

 

3-4 months of laying home I found DR/DP and realized I had that and it was probably the shrooms. Everything became so clear. I had been feeling alone in the world for almost six months, I almost cried when I found that what I had was egknowledged. Started reading for weeks 10-15 hours a day and I found HPPD and understood that's what I had. After this I began socializing again, working from home. Everything was still SO unreal out in the real world, I was tensed up all the time but now I knew what I had and that I won't die. During the 4-5 months in my house I didn't even drink. But to be able to socialize when the person in front of you might aswell have been a tree since they both seemed equally alive to me, I started drinking socially again to be able to talk to people.

 

This went on for a couple of months. Everytime I was hungover the anxiety was so extreme I thought I was going to die almost everytime. I still hung out with friends that drank equally much as I did and did drugs. Still smoked weed on weekends and it was "ok" if I had been drinking. If I hadn't been drinking I would get "laggy" and get panic attack everytime. When I smoked I couldn't feel if I was breathing or not but because of experience I knew it wasn't harmful so I just went with it. Probably smoked 500 times since the trip and maybe 30-40 of the highs have been all good and the rest mixed. 80% of the drugs i've tested have been after the HPPD and all of them, including alcohol makes my HPPD a little worse everytime. Tried Ecstasy maybe 4-5 times and amphetamines and cocaine maybe 30 times after the HPPD. Each time I would experience panic attacks the next day. How can I keep doing this to myself when I know the HPPD gets worse? I have no idea, I think it's the depression making everything else except getting a buzz so extremely boring. My depersonalization is so extreme that it hasn't seemed like a single movement, a single word or a single thought has been coming from "me". This also makes me terrified of driving since my movements don't feel like my own, I think I could easily just drive of the road and kill the people in the car any second.

 

I haven't seen a therapist or anything? why? Probably because of fear, I feel fear towards everything nowadays.

 

Sorry if the text is kind of..messy.. English isn't my native languange. Feel free to ask questions, i've left out a lot and just wrote this text in order to ventilate my "feelings". I haven't told anyone I know about my HPPD. People just think i'm depressed or something. Oh right I guess I can write what kind of symptoms I have right now.

 

Even though the words don't seem to come from me, I'm pretty good socially after a few drinks and people tend to like me.

 

Severe DR/DP(Memory has become terrible, anxiety, people seem really unreal)

Severe visual snow(Can barely see any stars anymore)

Severe afterimages

Tripple halos around almost every light

Starbursts 

Severe closed eye visuals, see faces/colors etc.

Tinnitus that I've had since childhood has gotten worse, In complete silence I have 3 different kind of noises and beeps on different frequencys.

 

Saw that Vinnie Paz released a song about DR/DP that he has been suffering from for 20 years and I can relate to every word in his song, I actually shed a tear listening to this song.(wow I have emotions, beepo beep).http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eSfcUzGTdk

 

 

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Its weird how drinking helps me too, like a drink will warp me back to reallity or something. Weird in any case.... I understand all you said here, esspecialy the childhood days. I also had weird childhood where i was suffering from depression episodes. Dont know the answer dude really, but if there is some metaphysical state of thought im sending my compasion and love towards you, it might help.

All the best.

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

Saw that Vinnie Paz released a song about DR/DP that he has been suffering from for 20 years and I can relate to every word in his song, I actually shed a tear listening to this song.(wow I have emotions, beepo beep).http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eSfcUzGTdk

Was never a fan of JMT but what a great song!

Would have never guessed he had it and he's a pretty renowned rapper.

Thanks for sharing that

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