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why the heck is it??


disguyhere
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why is it when good things happen in my life is right when things start getting bad again with the hppd. i hate the actively attempting to self sabotage myself shit. I'm doing phenominally well at work of late.. i've got people padding me compliments who have never had an agreeable thing to say with anyone in their lives.. If got the respoct of people who earn my company 100's of millions of $s a year.. my new manager wants me functioning as his right hand to start going to our various offices and "sell" the vision of the next phase of my system to the big money earners in the company. 

 

and i'm happy...

 

and then im ready to break down crying the next second for no good reason.. my friggen brain starts trying to make the reason up.. "oh you cant be away from your dog for that long, what will he do" ... he'll deal with it just fine... "oh you cant go that long without being able to holdoff on smoking herbals to help yourself sleep, and ambien is going to be hard as I'll be working 14 hour days each day... whatever are you going to do"

 

I'll deal with it. take the ambien as early as i can so i can wake up as early as possible.. i'll deal with it..

 

"but think about the hell youre going to have to go through to fly. think of all the looks your mangled ass face will get... " i dont have to smile and talk to everyone.. i just have to get on a plane and stare at my tablet.. i can deal.. i swear i can deal..

 

 

but the self destructive attempts just keep coming and instead of getting to be happy about making something with my life, i just make myself miserable. 

 

if only i somehow found out the guy i will be traveling with also smokes himself silly.. that would make things a little more tolerable :D .. but im not pressing my like.maybe i can get a friend to let me borrow his portable vape

 

why cant i for once.. for once, just have things go well and not end with something else in my life becoming a catastrophe. :|

 

 

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I'm glad to hear that things are going well, work-wise. I'm sure you'll find a way to cope with the worsened symptoms, as I'm guessing they'll settle down again once you get more acquainted, and thus less nervous, with your new situation (including your new job functions).

 

Do you feel that all your HPPD symptoms are flaring up to an equal extent?

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do you mean have i also had incredibly strong visual distortions alongside my engulfing sense of disillusionment and baseless fear in random uncontrollable bursts??

 

noooo not at all...

 

 

<end sarcasm>

 

sorry.. about to hit the 72 hours awake mark and it's got me more then just a little agitated and lacking in humor atm :\

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