Suicidal thoughts

[bpl4269]

Whats the point of living with this bullshit when this is as close to a living hell as I can get. I dont even know who I am or what I stand for anymore. No joy. No happiness. No friends. Just suffering. Will this ever get better? I cant fucking stand this anymore. Especially the depersonalization. Sobriety is so fucking difficult when all I want to do is drown my sorrows. Will I haveto be sober forever? I cant do this for much longer. Please give me some hope, because any hope I had is dead and gone now. I want to die.

[evansuk2000]

Tings will get better mate, they always do. We all get really really low points, andy when you're stuck in the moment, it feels like the end of the world, have faith mate, it WILL get better, go to the docs tomorrow or something, have a chat.

[bpl4269]

Thanks man, it means a lot. Felt good to get that pent up rage out of my system.

[Ghormeh Sabzi]

Hang in there mate. I don't know when but one day we will get some relief from this condition. A few members are trying out some new meds soon and maybe something will come of that. Try and stay positive, if you can. Watching some comedy always puts me in a good mood!

 

In the short term, you might want to consider some medications to help you get through this tough period. Where do you live?

[onedayillsailagain]

Wow heavy.. sorry to hear!
I've also had my fair share of suicidal ideation.. But man idk what to say.. I guess I get my hope from researching the living shit out of HPPD.
I don't know if this is hopeful or not, but I honestly think Coluracetam has a really good chance at being exactly what we need. (edit: seriously man, in theory it's fucking perfect, and better than anything that has been tried to date).
Doesn't sound that great when it's not coming from an expert though. At least stick around 'till we've given Coluracetam a go?
If the stuff works, I'll personally mail you some. I don't know what else to say to inspire hope.. Coluracetam is actually my only hope at the moment.
I guess just apply the same method as smoking cessation: Well I've lasted this long, I might as well do another minute/hour/day/week.
I just try to think: "Well, this is fucking horrible at times. Actually, I bet it's worse than being castrated, have your nuts grow back, and castrated again, every hour. But I've come way too far to give up now. I owe it to myself to finish this through and exhaust every single possibility I can find to recover from this before giving up. At the very least, I'll be able to say I've done my absolute best."

[Ghormeh Sabzi]

I also saw that you said you had Lyme disease before. What's the situation there? Have you been fully treated?

[1998]

I have suicidal thoughts as well, but it's usually caused by medications (klonopin, gabapentin, depakote) I've come very close to killing myself while drunk a few times. The next day I'm always so greatful to be alive.

Hanging out with the wife, family and ppl that don't judge you is a major factor for happiness. Also the longer I stay still and don't exercise the tighter my muscles get plus anxiety gets horrific and the headpressure gets worse. So force yourself to exercise if you aren't already. If your ever really down pm me and I'll give you my number so we can talk. Take care!

Also, I drink twice a week with no problems. It relieves my stress and I'm able to hangout w/ ppl w/o anxiety. Just keep it to a minimum

[Sam93]

Hey man,

 

I think we've all had suicidal thoughts at one time or another dealing with this crap, but remember there are many people who have completely recovered, and even if they haven't, the long term sufferers on the board have all managed to go on to live good lives, maybe not as good as without HPPD, but good lives with successful relationships, families and educations nonetheless, this is not the end of your happiness.

 

The main thing is fighting it, you have to take action and not let it defeat you, YOU have hppd, it belongs to you, you do not belong to it. Try to find that motivation inside of you. What worked for me was joining a college course where I'm socialising every day and learning which can only be good for cognition.

 

A few months ago I was home bound, suicidal with extreme anxiety to the point where I couldn't leave the house. Now, I attend college every day, socialise and do everything a normal 21 year old guy would. I thought I'd never get any enjoyment out of life again but I've started to look forward to things and enjoy them again, and you can too.

 

This shit doesn't have to end you, it's just another obstacle to overcome. It is an every day struggle but people live great lives with much more debilitating conditions than ours.

 

Of course, there are also treatments available, whether its Klonopin, Keppra, Sinemet, Lamictal, Clonidine, SSRI's there are definitely things you can try pharmacologically. Also make sure you get some good supplements down you. I recommend a B vitamin complex, Omega 3 fish oil and magnesium as a base. There are other things you can add such as N-Acetyl Cysteine (worked wonders for me) L-Tyrosine, Alpha GPC.

 

On the days where it really gets the better of me I just take a Clonazepam, which gives me great relief. Just knowing there's something there that can relieve me if I ever need it is lovely.

 

Don't research too much into HPPD either, particularly the horror stories, just focus on getting your life back, one step at a time. This is YOUR life and you do what you need to do. Stick around on the forums too, I find it very therapeutic and calming just talking on here sometimes, we're all in this together after all!

[etardnow]

When you guys talk about suicidal thoughts, how severe is it?

 

Quite often, ill think about jumping off the balcony, ways i could suicide and even imagine out the death of me itself (like how my head will look after i pull the trigger, etc) and make it all go away but at least in my current state of mind, my subconscious/conscious knows ill never do it.  Who knows if it will get worse. Though the thought of suiciding after my parents go to heaven [knock on wood, make it far as possible ] has crossed my mind many times. 

[disguyhere]

i for 3 years straight slept with thick camping rope bundled underneath my bed... i would wake from my hour of sleep in the morning and my first thoughts would be to rattle off a list of reasons to use it verses reasons to not.. i was lucky enough the reasons to not outweighed the reasons to for as long as it had because it got me through probably the worst of it..

 

i still have my bad days but as long as you can get yourself through the moment it tends to go back down... the trick is to keep anything away from you that would be too easily used in a moment of desperation to end things quickly.. the harder you make it for yourself to jump at the whims of your thoughts the easier it is to make it through... if i had a gun in my possession it would have been all over for me years ago