Random suicidal thoughts?

[Dylan L]

Hey guys.

So for the past month or 2 i have had for the first time in my life, suicidal thoughts come into my head. The weird thing is that i would NEVER commit suicide and have NEVER considered it... But every time i see a gun or a knife, or a high ledge... I always think "you could end it all, right now, just do it"... then i say to myself, just fuck off brain, i have a good life. which i do. I love where i am in my life and would never consider killing myself.

So then why, why do i think about it? Is this from the HPPD or what? some new symptom that blindsides you when your just about to beleive your cured?

I meen hell, i work with things that could kill me every day, guns, rockets, mines. Its disrupting my psyche and killing my concentration. Does anyone else get thoughts like this?

[John Smith]

This guy...

[EmIly]

Has anything else changed in your life? Diet or new med or coming off med? I would rule out all outside factors first then start looking inward. If you don't have a doc it's time to find one that can help you combat these thoughts that are attacking you. It's almost like OCD it's repetitive thoughts that attack you but you know you would never act on them but the fact that your having them is destructive enough it's a full on war inside your mind. I know this girl who's husband killed himself and she said nothing was different I can't understand it it was an ordinary day like every other day. I thought that was the problem. I hope this passes soon for you.

[Dylan L]

Boo, please, elaborate.

Emlly, no, i have not had any changes in my life. My missions and my base life have remained consistent, i live as i have for the past few years, nothing ver changing, except for mission specifics. The stress level is always high, and it has never bothered me. I have an EXTREMELY strong mind, i will never let anything get the best of it... Even through all of my resilience, i cant understand why im thinking this way...

[mgrade]

Let the mind-stuff be. There are cracks to everybody's psyche, even special forces officers. In the end, we are fragile, and a tiny little microbe can eventually kill us. If you are conscious of the suicide feeling than what does it matter, if killing yourself really isn't your intention.

If your mind is as strong as you say then you would have a little better control of the situation. I'm not big on the idea of: break somebody down, to built him back up......But you are human, not a robot or a machine. Armed forces like to push people to see how far you can go. In the end, you may just be fodder. Another victim lost in the name of nationalism. Don't let that happen to you. All things must pass.

[chrismo]

Eh. I've had two attempts recently. Both HPPD-related. I wish I was stronger but benzos are pretty much keeping me alive right now. I'd be really interested to know the stats of how many lives this disorder has indirectly taken.

[Monkey_magic]

Pure guesswork man. Chin up chris, you might not be as strong as you want to be right now, but just be as strong as you need to be. There's a difference. I've had suicidal ideologies at my worst (and 'urges' also) allthough never consciously gave it a bash. Subconsciously yeah, whenever I go past a certain number of drinks I black out and take my life into my own hands and I've done that loads. Woke up in hospital, naked, cuts n bruises all in the name of 'escape'. But it's harder to drink yourself to death than you'd think. Personally I think it's a lot more hassle to kill yourself than it is to just keep bobbing along. Nobodies got the answers, no matter how much their life seems together. They're gonna experience loss and pain too and were all just transient organic matter at the end of the day. Might as well see where that day goes.

[Monkey_magic]

In the grand scheme of things my life has about as much importance as the tiny insignificant microbe that -mg says can kill you but if the microbe won't kill itself then I won't either. If a fucking microbe has a better self preservation mechanism than me then were all fucked. Lol. You don't see microbes getting talked down off ledges do ya? Or dogs, or even chimpanzees. (Allthough there's an argument that the chimpanzees the government drug tested probably would if they could but that's besides the point). Why didn't the government try acid on dolphins? told you nobody has the answers.

[EmIly]

I was asking because when I was really sick with reflux I had to give up all caffeine and lots of food I lost 20pds and was scaring my family I was so thin. Anyway in this time the thought of ending my life kept popping up in my thoughts I couldn't get it to stop even tho I had no desire to do so I couldn't get it to stop. I curled up in my bathroom floor crying because I couldn't stop the thoughts. I'm not sure what caused it if it was a withdrawal from caffeine or not eating or the fact that my anxiety was going crazy but it was very like OCD repetitive and unwanted thoughts. It's strange but I finally became friends with death. If I was going to die because I couldn't eat and was going to starve or whatever happened it was ok I'm a good person the people I care about know I love them and everything in my life was enough in order that my family would be ok and then the thoughts subsided when I stopped being afraid of it.

Your in the armed forces life and death are shoved down your throat all the time your forced to think about it. Embrace it find peace in it and I think it will let you go. Worth a try.