HBB

Silly debate

Absolutely agree there is probably a connection. Perhaps whatever your underlying or mundane symptoms are prior to hppd worsen during hppd. Man, whatever happened to ShaolinBomber? Is he still around here?

I mostly agree with what Jay said. I was fucking retarded enough to do shrooms after getting hppd initially from my one usage of LSD (but like a pro, I took 5 hits being a complete irresponsible dumbass). I quit all psyhodelics as of three years ago tomorrow, but that was out of necessity. It took almost no willpower, because the experience of weed was like a more intense HPPD experience. The tricky thing about your situation, its that changing habits over a very short time is not psychologically sound. People almost always rebound. It's why diet's almost always fail. It's called "shaping" (changing a habit). However, you also risk your next roll or trip to be the one that fucks your shit up beyond what you can conceive of. So your choice is stop that shit immediately, or taper of gradually and risk it getting worse. I only did LSD one time and got hppd. Did shrooms like 4 times, and only tripped on one occassion. So genetics have a huge roll in who can withstand psychedelics and who gets crushed by them like I did. Like Jay said, there is something to be envious of there. I will never be the musician I was when I would smoke weed. I did drugs for the insight as well, not to mention being high as shit was quite pleasurable. Also consider the ramifications of just keeping doing drugs. Where will your life go, even if hppd never gets worse? Like the pink floyd song, time can pass you bye without you even realizing they shot the starting gun. My honest opinion is to GET THE FUCK OFF IT ALL IMMEDIATELY TODAY. This may not be possible for you, as you of course aren't motivated like I was, because your hppd is mild. But if you want more visceral stories of hell, I can give them to you, and you will not have dreamed of the ways your psyche can be torn to shreds. I just deleted some stories of some shit that happened to me, because they are more heinous than i am willing to share at the moment. But if you want me to share them, I will. You do not want this. You do not want what I went through, or what many of us on here went through/are going through. If you have mild hppd, cash your fucking chips in, be grateful for the insight and majesty psychedelics have provided you with, and leave the fucking table, bro. People never leave the casino until they are broke as shit and literally have to leave. That's what happened ot me.

To Merk, I am strange in regards to aggression. I played football, and was evil as shit when I did. However, off the field, I was entirely different. I got sort of mentally picked on. So I think I've always been strange when it comes to rage. I am extremely, extremely placid now, though have recently become quite unsatisfied with the rate of the rebuilding of my life, and actually just got done screaming at my Xbox, because I know I am an addict to it. That should give you a clue to the sort of strange manifestations my anger takes. The one instance I remember of sort of out of the blue increased aggression was kicking something, I don't remember what, and I stil have the mark on my foot from it. I also screamed at a redneck mother and father who were pushing their baby in its carriage on the actual road. I cussed at them, which I don't think I would have done. I really did not have to overcome it in any notable way. I wish I could say more about it. Maybe I take out anger in other ways. I have never been the kind of person comfortable with showing emotion really of any sort in public, so perhaps I am more reigned in just overall. I am currently taking 1500 mg right now. I only noticed increased aggression in the very beginning. I believe I bumped up from 1000 to 1500 probably after 4 or 5 months of taking it. To ludwig, Yeah I think you are like me with emotion. Expressing it has been a difficulty I've always had. My visuals I don't think have changed at all, but the cognitive has changed 90 percent or more. I am more functional now, post HPPD, than I was when I just smoked a fuck ton of weed in highschool, but was not debilitated utterly by HPPD. Thanks for the kind words, too. I think I survived mostly out of just sort of fear of dying. It was not heroic. I was just a scared animal that didn't die because of instinct to be quite honest. There were some times I suppose it was, but for the most part, I simply ate narcottic-type foods constantly and played videogames constantly. I also got As and Bs in college while I had all this shit, so I did bust my ass to do that, but that was just sort of like a hollow way to not be broken. I mostly say that so that anything I say that I mean seriously from a psychological perspective will be taken somewhat seriously. Think I had about a 3.6 gpa at the end, but I haven't bothered to look. During hppd, I literally could not execute a sentence such as "Can I get change in quarters, please?" without stumbling the words out. That's how fucked up I was. I just remembered now what also motivated me to do mental work: it was the only way I could sort of part the fog of HPPD, the mental fog. After I'd crammed all night, I would almost, almost feel normal the next day, mentally. Man, it's only been a year but I'd already forgotten that. So yeah, not heroic while it happened. Just was scared to die. Just couldn't quite do it. As to the B vitamins, no clue if that'll help or not . Good luck man I hope it helps. You too merk. Lemme know how it goes.

No problem man. I'm stickin around.

I'm new to the site. What's this about? You ok?

I think this is likely a stress response. Stress dictates levels of hppd, I think, both by actually increasing the symptoms, and the person being in a state to be more aware of them. I've used clonopin, and am on it currently for when I go to sleep. I don't need it like I would have when I had hppd, as a daily sort of thing to keep me sort of calm, but more because at night my thoughts start rumbling so fast, and honestly I think I have some degree of PTSD. I was never a good sleeper though. Any changes that take place within about a week's time after changing medicines, especially one's that dictate how much you pay attention to symptoms, you should not worry about. Someone without HPPD would describe similar symptoms of increased fogginess, decreased memory, more or less anxiety, inability to sleep, etc just from altering clonopin intake as you have.

I took it, after years of desperate searching, and it cured me. That's no exageration. It was literally going to be the last medicine I tried before I killed myself... and it worked. Not placebo, positive-thinking it worked, but real, chemical-alteration the-symptoms-are-gone worked. It worked so well for me I think everyone must try it. The only side-effect I noticed is known colloquially as "keppra-rage," aka increased aggression. I think I did experience this slightly, but again, it could have been natural built-up rage at life for getting hppd. I can really say nothing bad about it. If you need it, I have a file about 45 pages long that I stappled together of user-feedback of positive results from keppra that I brought to a random general practitioner at my college. He was like "well, it looks like you've done your homework. I don't see how startin you off on just 250 twice a day can do you any real harm." I remember it like it was yesterday, but it was almost exactly a year ago. Try it. I noticed it worked after, honestly, about 2 weeks. This may have been placebo. Almost no medicines build up enough pressence in your body to have an effect that fast, at least not anti-depressant sorts of medications. Keppra is actually an anti-convulsant, so perhaps that is why it worked. Or it was perhaps placebo. I would not abondon it until you've been on it two months, and have gone up to 1000 mg per day.

Just noticed I'm classified as "newbie" on this site. Fucking hillarious. LOLOMFGBBQ

A psychiatrist I saw believed flashing, fast moving visual stimuli would exacerbate visual impairment associated with HPPD. Translation: yes. I think it makes sense. One's brain becomes accustomed to whatever environment it is around, so as to better predict what might happen around it. So if you are around shit that is flying past you constantly and flashing lights and explosions... when you go into a silent room, like to sleep, it makes sense to me that hppd would be flared up. As for the distraction aspect, I stayed alive while I had hppd alot by playing videogames, they were such a great escape. If I hadn't had my one friend left, and we playing call of duty or borderlands or diablo or whatever, I don't know if I'd be here. So I suppose you have to weigh the upside and downside. Downside is it might flare up visual distortions. Upside, is it's a stress reliever. Wish I knew more about physiology to know more about this connection. I have a book from a clinical psychology class that I need to crack back open and actually learn (they don't make you learn much in college).

1. What did you use/do? First thing, and I think everyone who gets serious hppd must do this, is quit any and all psychodelics permanently. This includes weed. The medicine that saved me was Keppra. I have a batch of files of user feedback of good experiences with the drug that convinced my doctor to let me try it. I have that file. Keppra was so silly in how much it helped me, how randomly it cured me 95 percent, that I think every single person with HPPD should try it. I tried many other antidepressants/antipsychotics/mood stabalizers. I think keppra is actually used primarily for people who get siezures. HPPD is mysterious. No idea what the fuck caused it, well, I mean why I got it so bad, and then it just went away on another random day. I also have about, I dunno, 200 pages of information I've been compiling on how to put one's life back together. I've had to start from scratch. I can help you there. Philosophy can help you. Medicine can as well. 2. All visuals gone or anything left (trais, afterimages...)? Visuals absolutely did not change for me. 3. Got ride of HPPD's sub-effects (anxiety, depression, cognitive issues, etc)? I think everything else I deal with are normal things associated with trauma. After keppra worked, i've kept my medicines in stasis for absolute fear that it might go away if I tweak one thing. As of right now, it's been about exactly a year that I've been on it. And 2 days form now will mark 3 years with no weed. 4. Any side effect of whatever you have done to recover or you're simply 100%? I used to guage how fucked up i was from hppd using a number system and looking into a mirror. I would stare into the mirror, and my face would contort to further and further monstrous hallucinations. The further I purposefully zoned out, the worse it got. Without keppra, I could go about 7 levels deep, until the thing I was looking at in the mirror would nearly cripple with terror. Now, I can get maybe 1.5 levels deep. I have a theory on why one's face is so terrifying. I will post it another time. I think I've just decided to go to grad school for psychology. Just now. I owe my life to this site. But back to your question, I can actually function more adeptly mentally than I could when I was just a pot head, but pre hppd. So no 100 percent. The visuals are still there, and I don't think they will go away. Perhaps another medicine will randomly cure it. Perhaps keppra will fail entirely tomorrow. I have met no doctor who even knows of the existence of hppd, much less diagnose why it happens, much less understand what to do to give you the right medicine. Hang tough. Let me know if you have questions. Sorry for having lots of topics around but it seems like I'm the only one who come here =\ I got your back.

Had HPPD for 3 years. Near suicide for 2 of them. Inches, inches, inches away. About a month before I, if I had to guess, believe I would have killed myself, I tried one last medicine, Keppra, and it cured me 90 percent. I just graduated with a psychology degree from Ole Miss. I am a piece of shit for not being on here sooner to help ANYONE who is afraid, has question, wants advice, just needs someone to talk to, is on the verge of suicide, anything and everything. I owe my life to this site, as it sustained me until I was absolutely and entirely lucky to stumble, after trying about 8 other medicines, something that cured me. And trust me, I know how much hearing someone say "cured" can make you want to throw up you want it so bad. And I would absolutely not say it if I did not mean it one hundred percent. My visual imperiments, after-images etc, did not improve at all I don't believe, but everything else absolutely did. Short term memory, long term memory, ability to speak, derealization and depresonalization decreased by about 90 percent, perhaps more. I even have a list of testimonials to the benefit and effectiveness of Keppra for other people that I compiled in my last ditch attempt to not kill myself, and it is quite honestly what I think convinced the doctor to let me try it. I still have this file that I would love for everyone to have if they want it. So, finally back to return the favor this site gave me, in that it kept me alive like a life boat until I simply got supremely lucky. If anyone is scared, just needs to talk, or are about to kill yourself, I will talk to you, any time, any place, about any thing. When I had HPPD, I was essentially schizophrenic, my sexual orientation mutated into a bysexual sort of thing that was so horrible I would hurt myself to try to feel manly again. I have no problem with any sexual orientation, but I was not gay before HPPD, but I did have the experience of being drawn sexualy to a man, imagining some form of sex with him, with my own father even (that is how merciless the disorder was), and then my former, actual self would sort of snap back into reality and it would literally feel like I had just been raped. It was like desiring to smash one's head into a brick wall, doing it, and then coming to consciousness as a person who did not like their head smashed into a brick wall. Trust me, I have been as low, pathetic, spat upon, disowned, a dissapointment, a disaster, a person who wrote "Happy Birthday" to himself on the dust of his TV screen because no one else was there. I have been, I truly believe, about as low as one can be before suicide. I say all this to encourage anyone to be absolutely not embarrassed in any way if they wish to talk about any sort of problem. I can provide you with philosophy to cope with HPPD, as I would have died much sooner if I had not derived some of these things. I can provide you with how to find/talk to a psychiatrist. I just really, really, desperately want to help ALL OF YOU. If I could hug you all and cry with you, I would, and if you came to my house, I would do that if you needed it. Again, I owe my life to this site. That's it. You can respond to this post if you want to get in touch with me. Also, my email is Locrian4@gmail.com. If you need help, let me know. -Hays

Thanks for the kind responses guys. Good to see you guys again. I feel like I know you guys. For so long I was a member of hppdonline, but I didn't actually join for years. To Visual, I never got snow. As for the medicines, I think keppra may be the only one that I am absolutely without doubt worked. Lamictal may have worked, and I am still on it, but I don't know if the effect I thought it gave me was placebo. I tried Namenda, which is a drug meant for Alzheimer's patient's to be able to speak and articulate better, to find words better. Didn't help. Shit, what else. I've tried Zyprexa. Didn't work. Actually made me worse I think. How bad are your symptoms? Are they mostly visual?

Had HPPD for 3 years. Near suicide for 2 of them. Inches, inches, inches away. About a month before I, if I had to guess, believe I would have killed myself, I tried one last medicine, Keppra, and it cured me 90 percent. I just graduated with a psychology degree from Ole Miss. I am a piece of shit for not being on here sooner to help ANYONE who is afraid, has question, wants advice, just needs someone to talk to, is on the verge of suicide, anything and everything. I owe my life to this site, as it sustained me until I was absolutely and entirely lucky to stumble, after trying about 8 other medicines, something that cured me. And trust me, I know how much hearing someone say "cured" can make you want to throw up you want it so bad. And I would absolutely not say it if I did not mean it one hundred percent. My visual imperiments, after-images etc, did not improve at all I don't believe, but everything else absolutely did. Short term memory, long term memory, ability to speak, derealization and depresonalization decreased by about 90 percent, perhaps more. I even have a list of testimonials to the benefit and effectiveness of Keppra for other people that I compiled in my last ditch attempt to not kill myself, and it is quite honestly what I think convinced the doctor to let me try it. I still have this file that I would love for everyone to have if they want it. So, finally back to return the favor this site gave me, in that it kept me alive like a life boat until I simply got supremely lucky. If anyone is scared, just needs to talk, or are about to kill yourself, I will talk to you, any time, any place, about any thing. When I had HPPD, I was essentially schizophrenic, my sexual orientation mutated into a bysexual sort of thing that was so horrible I would hurt myself to try to feel manly again. I have no problem with any sexual orientation, but I was not gay before HPPD, but I did have the experience of being drawn sexualy to a man, imagining some form of sex with him, with my own father even (that is how merciless the disorder was), and then my former, actual self would sort of snap back into reality and it would literally feel like I had just been raped. It was like desiring to smash one's head into a brick wall, doing it, and then coming to consciousness as a person who did not like their head smashed into a brick wall. Trust me, I have been as low, pathetic, spat upon, disowned, a dissapointment, a disaster, a person who wrote "Happy Birthday" to himself on the dust of his TV screen because no one else was there. I have been, I truly believe, about as low as one can be before suicide. I say all this to encourage anyone to be absolutely not embarrassed in any way if they wish to talk about any sort of problem. I can provide you with philosophy to cope with HPPD, as I would have died much sooner if I had not derived some of these things. I can provide you with how to find/talk to a psychiatrist. I just really, really, desperately want to help ALL OF YOU. If I could hug you all and cry with you, I would, and if you came to my house, I would do that if you needed it. Again, I owe my life to this site. That's it. You can respond to this post if you want to get in touch with me. Also, my email is Locrian4@gmail.com. If you need help, let me know. -Hays

Eric, this is what I did to get my doctor to prescribe it: I poured through this site (or the previous version of it that is), documenting any and all cases i could of people being helped by keppra. i brought this to one psychiatrist educated at harvard, and he didn't prescribe it because he's a pompous jackass. however, i then took it to another doctor, one who worked at olemiss, and, after i showed him a 30 pages of reports of positive effects from keppra from people on this site, he just said, "you know what. looks like you've done your homework. and i don't think we're gonna get you into any trouble with you takin 500 mlg to start out." this small amount actually seemed to help me, though i can't be sure this wasn't placebo. from that point on, i saw the psychiatrist employed by olemiss, and he was cool enough guy to gradually incrasing the dose, and here I am. He, like the other doctor, didn't really know what the hell keppra was, except vaguely. but he was also enough of a human being to understand that not taking a medicine that is keeping you from killing yourself is a fucking stupid way of adhering to the oath to do no harm. So, it may come down to finding the right doctor. this is your life, and you can do whatever is necessary to improve it. I can't stress how important i think everyone try this drug, as I had tried many, many, many others before it that didn't help me. I could give you a laundry list. Not all doctors are knowledgable in all medicines. That would be pretty impossible. They also do not all have the same disposition, and some may be ready to take a chance on something, especially if you have reports of people being helped by the medicine. So try that if you want to. I will even look for the file on my computer of the compiled keppra reports if you would like. you could bring that to him. HBB

My email is HBBerry@olemiss.edu by the way. HBB

I would also like to add I will have a psychology degree as of this May, and have at least some knowledge of the chemical aspects of HPPD, though I am still very much a laymen in this degree. However, I survived with HPPD for 3 years, and I did not do so by sitting back, though I was crippled in many, many ways during that time. The philosophical techniques I developed to cope with the experience I believe may be of great use to others. Anyways, I want help. Let me know if you need some. PS I'm not a stick in the mud either. Nobody who takes enough drugs to get hppd is a boring ass person who is going to speak to you like some haughty doctor who won't just chat with ya if that's what you need at that moment. That is all. HBB

I know I haven't been on here in a while, but: I have completely recovered. I was on the very cusp of suicide, and then I tried Keppra, and my symptoms have decreased 90 percent since being on it. I have been rebuilding my life since then, attempting to learn and develop as a normal person is supposed to during his or her young adult years. But that is a different story. So, long story short: yes, I have fully, fully recovered. Minus the visual symptoms, but shit having increased afterimages is negligable compared to being unable to form sentences when desired, and having no friends in any capacity because I simply cannot comunicate and so cannot express my personality. Every every everyone must try Keppra. I used to search these boards like a man searching for water in a desert. Keppra is the only medicine I have seen corroborating stories of longterm aid. And again, this is not just aid for me, this is a cure. I don't mean this in any philosophical sense. I have not simply addopted a new philosophical world-view. The symptoms are gone. My short-term memory has doubled or trippled. I have occassional memories of my younger life, before any and all drugs, and my own hypothesis on this is my consciousness being in a state that more resembled those days prior to any drug usage. I believe the brain fog most people refer to, as well as agnosia and other symptoms can be traced at least in some degree to failing of short-term memory. Every every every one must try Keppra. I had given up. Entirely. I used to tremble at night and whimper . I was as near death as it gets. And then Keppra. So, two lessons from this: 1: Every every everyone must try Keppra. I am on 1250 mlg for the past 12 or so months (building up the dosage gradually of course), with almost entirely no noticable side-effects. 2: If Keppra does not work, my experience proves that one can be certain of one's own helplessness, and be incorrect. I was certain. So, if you are so inclined to keep fighting and hoping, something may fall into your lap. I am, after 12 months, stil in shock. The second HPPD stopped for me, I began sprinting away from it, my mind and memory compartmentalizing the entire hell-scape and removing it from my consciousness. I cannot believe I ever got HPPD, and I cannot believe I ever got out of it. It is all so bizarre I cannot really grasp it ever happened. The experience of HPPD has left me sort of blistered to life, and even to this day, something close to a full year of recovery, when I get down about some natural life occurance, I feel the desire, at least for a moment, to kill myself. When these times come, I simply inject pleasure into my life in some form or another, whether that is stop doing homework, put in a comedy movie, etc. The scars still hurt from my experience, unbelievably at times. But the source of them is in the past. I should have been on these boards providing support for anyone else who was in my position. I am here now, and if anyone, anyone has questions, I will go into every detail I can to answer them, and if anyone is sincerely contemplating the bottle of tylenol PM on the counter, or a razor, or the gun, I am also here. I will give you my phone number if you require it. I owe my life to this website and board, and it is only right that as one who has survived because of it, I help others who were in my position. So, if you choose to continue on, the fight is not hopeless, regardless of all appearance indicating otherwise. If anyone wants to talk, we can talk on here, or I can give you my email, or if you are on the verge, we can talk voice to voice. Good luck to all. HBB