Saff

a Cockrel-Turtle hybrid

Might look up how people with schizophrenia deal with those symptoms and apply that to myself??

Yeah nah I fully get you, it's something that does worry me. It feels less scary now I see and hear him.less. When i say hear though it's more like my own voice in my head, just not my voice and not what I want to think. Felt like schizophrenia would be more a voice detached from myself? But as I've not heard anyone mention similar stuff Its always confused me. Not sure if the two are differentiated and not sure how I could find that out..... bit of a sticky one tbh. 

I may go to the doctors when I'm 18. But at the same time this is an issue I want to try and solve and fix or cope with without some medicine that may help but also make me not me. 

Confusion and un-sure-what-to-actually-do is where I'm at... 

Yes. Along with the visuals and dpdr came the moodcyles and this guy. Luckily he's less prevalent as a guy now , It's more become violent visions. Maybe a coincidence, but I think as it's all part of the same bit of the cycle they're different manifestations of the same emotional state. 

I took a tab of AL-LAD, which from looking on drug test websites could have contained some other weird chems. I had a very intense trip that lasted around 16 hours. Around 3 weeks afterwards I started noticing visuals. It's all kind of spiralled down from then on. That was just over 2 years ago now. 

Hi,

So ontop of the very standard visual based and dpdr like symptoms, I have gained a few others that are now more the issue for me (not that the rest is fun)

First of all when i first got hppd i met a guy in my head, ive called him Khash. I used to see him places, like just his face in the clouds or hiding in some bushes etc. He says mean things and would make me feel horrible. I see him less now, and hes quieter i guess. Hes still there i feel him. In the mood cycle when he comes, he can be really horrible. Telling me how stupid i am and that i should just die. And once i was in the common room at Sixth Form and he was telling me how i hated everyone and wanted to kill them all, and i watched myself do it over and over but more on that later. The guy is just horrible and i hate feeling controlled. on the same occasion as i just mentioned, the head pressure became immense and i felt my head morph into his. Ive attached pictures of Khash, along with some self portraits. (khash has a head shape like that of an eye)

I get really obvious mood swings...buzzyy...melty...khash....buzzy.....melty....khash... etc. Buzzy i get super over excited and very giddy/childish and feel like i could run for miles. Melty i feel like im on a fuck tonne of opiates and reality just melts and i melt and hppd-y visuals become worse than in the other 2 phases. Khash is the mean one.. sometimes hes there.... sometimes hes not, regardless i feel shit and get all of these violent horrible visions....

I get them whenever, walking down the street, eating dinner, at school. Theres always so much blood and either i kill myself or kill someone or get killed or watch death or brutal violence or rape or mutilation. and i cant stop it and i want to cry it makes me feel sick, its fucked.

Sometimes i see shit that isnt real and it freaks me out so much. e.g i see/feel spiders everywhere and i cant get them off and i panic and its so scary man.

and kind of in line with dpdr.... Im def not real and no one else is for that matter.

Any one like relate or anything.i feel so fucking alone man.

hey,

yeah sounds like hppd to me too, by the way im 17, so if u need someone ur age ish to talk to feel free to pop up! would even be appreciated. I completely get how you feel and its fucking peak man. 

sending bare love to you,

even if its hard try and look for the little bits of good in everyday, no matter how hard and hopeless shit can seem sometimes

Recently i havent been able to concentrate at all, have felt pretty spaced out most of the time, like ive had really vivid dreams and reality seems dreamy, my memory is fucked and time seems distorted. Is this shit normal for hppd? Im mostly worried as in may i have my GCSEs (big exams for 16 year olds). I just wondered if anyone else experianced this and how they delt with it if possible.  Thanks ? xx 

@MadDochaha preachys fine, don't worry about it. And yeah i guess it's just hard to find that determination to start off with. Thankyou for like your input, it means allot 

@MadDocThankyou so much, i will keep that all in mind. I guess im just finding it hard to come to terms with. 

I completely get what you mean, and I guess the constant shit going through your mind makes it really hard to cope with, I guess the only thing in my opinion you can do for now is just try to be as occupied as you can, as that semi-removal from your thoughts may be able to soothe it slightly?

Im 15. Around febuary i took half a tab of al-lad. Which from talking to peers i now know was probs a dodgy batch. The trip was intense, and while not bad in all senses, i was stuck in thought loops quite often, got weird movements with that, the trip lastes around 15 hours, but i fell asleep still tripping. Ive had symptoms of hppd for around 8 months now and am stuggling to cope. Any advice or support would be really welcomed ? xxx

Ok so before anyone says if ur not sure u shudnt be here. I'm 15, ive took psycadellic twice, both analouges of LSD. First time I took LSZ and no problems were caused. Second time I took AL-LAD. I'm not sure if its relevant but at one point I got stuck in really bad thought loops and panicked. Since then ive had pretty much constant visual effects. Including that everything looks kinda grainy, like nearly transparent TV snow but smaller. Lots of flasfhes of colour that sometimes stay and move or merge. Shadows morphing and moving, or just appearing I guess, they like move around then go. and stuff like halos.  a couple of other things but I'm not entirely sure what it is or what I can do, you can only get so far with a couple of teenagers and internet posts that contradict one another. can anyone help me at all?