Hi,
So ontop of the very standard visual based and dpdr like symptoms, I have gained a few others that are now more the issue for me (not that the rest is fun)
First of all when i first got hppd i met a guy in my head, ive called him Khash. I used to see him places, like just his face in the clouds or hiding in some bushes etc. He says mean things and would make me feel horrible. I see him less now, and hes quieter i guess. Hes still there i feel him. In the mood cycle when he comes, he can be really horrible. Telling me how stupid i am and that i should just die. And once i was in the common room at Sixth Form and he was telling me how i hated everyone and wanted to kill them all, and i watched myself do it over and over but more on that later. The guy is just horrible and i hate feeling controlled. on the same occasion as i just mentioned, the head pressure became immense and i felt my head morph into his. Ive attached pictures of Khash, along with some self portraits. (khash has a head shape like that of an eye)
I get really obvious mood swings...buzzyy...melty...khash....buzzy.....melty....khash... etc. Buzzy i get super over excited and very giddy/childish and feel like i could run for miles. Melty i feel like im on a fuck tonne of opiates and reality just melts and i melt and hppd-y visuals become worse than in the other 2 phases. Khash is the mean one.. sometimes hes there.... sometimes hes not, regardless i feel shit and get all of these violent horrible visions....
I get them whenever, walking down the street, eating dinner, at school. Theres always so much blood and either i kill myself or kill someone or get killed or watch death or brutal violence or rape or mutilation. and i cant stop it and i want to cry it makes me feel sick, its fucked.
Sometimes i see shit that isnt real and it freaks me out so much. e.g i see/feel spiders everywhere and i cant get them off and i panic and its so scary man.
and kind of in line with dpdr.... Im def not real and no one else is for that matter.
Any one like relate or anything.i feel so fucking alone man.