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How much valium were you taking?

Of the benzos, Klonopin seems to be the 'work horse' for HPPD with dosages fairly high - usually above 2 mg/day

Sorry to see OD history - obviously you have suffered a lot. Have any of these experiences been recent or was this years ago?

Yes, doctors/authority figures are more figures than authorities on treating HPPD and other 'strange' disorders. You just have to suffer through with them. For you to be prescribed Sinemet, it sounds like you have built a working relationship with a doctor - this is vital for getting anywhere with the medical community.

HPPD is complex and the 'solution' is very individualistic. It may take a combination of meds.

You sound real positive on these posts and are to be commended for this. Having spent half your life with HPPD, obviously you have had to get used to it. But even with such a long time it is probable that you can find things to improve your vision ... and life.

You have the whole forum cheering you on ...

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Hey Visual,

Great to hear from you !

I was not taking a large amount of Valium .. likley around 2, 3 5 mg tabs per day / and only for a brief period of time (say 2-3 weeks)

Tho just after being fed up with no relief for such a long time, exaserbated symptoms, as well as other multiple things happening in my life and partly being triggerd by the docters unprofesioalsm... i went on a binge and took around 45 tabs. I was advised to go to hospital, and stayed there overnight. In my opinion this was a kind of a "call for help" out of sheer fustration of being totally isolated and not being able to get any assistance from aneyone for far too long.

I have had two majour overdoses.. aproximatley 6 or 7 years ago with a combo of heroin and clonazapam.

As well as an overdose just on Clonazapam, where i was lucky because i dropped in the bath where i could have drowned.

I was silly to dabble in a recriational drug use (GHB) within the last year... during the peak i lost consciousness, had seizuress and likley came close to stop breathing. I egnolage i did make a mistake there.. and realize the stupidity if this. My rational at the time was that GHB is a depresant while stimulants exasserbate HPPD. I take no recriational drugs now what so ever.

Totally agree with you, the connections i have recently made with docters now are great and helpful.. They have an understanding of HPPD, realize it is a chronic condition and give various metaphors to help me get a better understang of it and gain more clarity. Being clear is helpful in overcomeing doubts and fear associated with symptoms. Bisicly the other Docters were GPs and did not have a clue. Numerous years ago a actually shared my story with 7 top nuroligsts in a hospital and none of them had any idea LOL.

Ok, i do understand that HPPD is very complex.. im willing to try a combination of meds or to do whatever it takes... It is just very sad for me that there are things in life that i have such an affinity and passion for, tho cannot embrace fully because of HPPD.. I will keep on keeping on :)

Thanks so much Visual.. yes you are right... I have lived half my life with HPPD ... and in many ways have gotten used to it. Tho obviousley it is still distressing.

Though in my opinion, the purpose of my life is not to just exist, i want to embrace and thrive. My happiness lies in continual growth and development.

I want to realize my true / full potential.. and HPPD can definatley make certain aspects of this process (certain practices) very challenging. Cognative function takes a vital role in many aspects of things im passionate about, the way we use our minds, where our attention / focus goes etc. On one hand.. i could just "accept' and stop the "friction" a term that some people mention, which partly i do.. tho for what ? For it to just stay the same... or just total acceptance...

I have found some things in my life that mean more than the world to me,,, my true calling, the true purpose and love of my life.. and it is upsetting, sad and cruel that i have all this potential and opportunity tho cannot walk upon / embrace the path fully... it is cruel and it can be like torture, and in some ways seems just a waste of my life. I swear without HPPD i would be the happiest person on the plannet and i would have everything, or the only thing my heart truly longs for. (this may not make sense to many people as you dont know me so personally yet)

It is fucked up that my elder brother was feeding me acid at the age of 15 years when i knew nothing about acid or long term effects...He even sent me a sheet of LSD over from the states,... and that what triggerd my HPPD was when his girl friend came up to me (myself unknowingly) and put a tab of acid in my mouth after leaving a dance party. For all this to happen at such a vital young age when the body / brain is still developing is even more fucked up.

Basicly my Dads pearents were ultra restrictive, not letting him do anything as he was growing up, so my pearents thaught they would do the exact opposite by giving me all the freedom in the world.. one thing lead to the next, and before i knew it i was in with a crew of some pretty hardcore users / Rave Scene.. in those days.

Totlly agree with you Visual, Absoloutley.. there are always resources to keep improveing, working on myself on many levels phyisically, mentally, and striving to take all areas of my life to higher levels.. adjusting my rules, beliefs and values, what is serving me and what is disempowering? etc so many resources to utilize and tap into.

Natrual bodybuliding has been a big thing to help me manage / release stress and i have actually built a pretty awesome physique after all that training LOL tho unfortubatley i have recently torn a tendon... so am currently having some down time to get some treatment done. I find that phyisical and mental growth / healthy lifestyle is really beneficial and in many ways. For myself, discivering fitness and training was likley my "saviour" in some ways.

No one knows i have HPPD exept for one friend .. only my family.

I have never really shared any of these things with aneyone, so thanks for giving me the opportunity to share and express, and thanks for careing enough to even ask. I think your a top dude and the real winners in life are the ones who take the time to show compassion add value to others, and thats exactly what your doing for me, by giving me the opportunity to learn and process my experience etc etc.

Edited by must-be-a-way-to-heal
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It is just very sad for me that there are things in life that i have such an affinity and passion for, tho cannot embrace fully because of HPPD ... Cognative function takes a vital role in many aspects of things im passionate about, the way we use our minds, where our attention / focus goes etc...

Being feed acid from 15 years up has got to be hard ... and you describe some pretty strong visuals (like can you even drive at night?). Sounds like you have learned some things that give you enjoyment (like weight lifting) but there are other things that you find your are being limited.

Is it mainly cognitive functions that are interfering in life? Focus? Fatigue?

Can you describe some of these things that you would like to embrace but HPPD is messing up?


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Being feed acid from 15 years up has got to be hard ... and you describe some pretty strong visuals (like can you even drive at night?). Sounds like you have learned some things that give you enjoyment (like weight lifting) but there are other things that you find your are being limited.

Is it mainly cognitive functions that are interfering in life? Focus? Fatigue?

Can you describe some of these things that you would like to embrace but HPPD is messing up?

Very cool pic by the way.. Like that one.. thankyou :)

Ok Visual, yes i can drive a night, obvioulsty all visuals still there tho there is sufficent defenition with street lights other cars et etc.

The main cognative functions that are ineterfearing are "focus" i.e. all the visuals.

Can you describe some of these things that you would like to embrace but HPPD is messing up?

Ok.. this is going open me up and to get into some of my my personal life experience.. i know everyone has diffrent asperations in life and all is unique to each person. Please, your best to be open minded and non judjmental here as you totally alraedy are and please, do your best to understand / comprehend.

When i was young / as i still am.. around the age of 17 i was inteiduced to an Authentic Yogic / Spiritual tradition, that is universal. I was invited by my teacher at the time to travel with him to India to meet his Spiritual Master. This particular Saint.. one who knows God is a fully illuminated Divine Saint, or a decension of Divinity, like a Buddha a christ or a Krishna. I will share a brief introduction about him below. Please note, i am not Religous ..I am open to and accepting of all faiths / spiritualitys and ways of life. This is something rare to come across that has deep meaning for me.

A Brief Life History a-brief-life-history.jpg Eternally liberated divine personalities descend on earth from time to time for the welfare of humankind. Jagadguru Shri Kripalu Ji Maharaj is one such divine personality. He is lovingly called Shri Maharaj Ji by His devotees. Through enlightening discourses and chanting of the holy name, He has been making unceasing efforts to reveal the true philosophy from the Vedic scriptures to mankind in the simplest form possible so that they can attain their true goal of God Realisation.

Shri Maharaj Ji makes no distinction of caste, creed, colour or race. With His infinite love and compassion, He gathers all into the purity of His divine embrace. His divine effulgence shines through all He says, all He does and all He is. Each and every seeker is amazed to see how approachable He is and enjoys the special privilege of receiving individual attention from Him. Thus, He makes each person feel that they belong to Him. His tall, stately and regal, yet childlike personality, have an indefinable attraction that draws all to Him, whether young or old, men or women or of any country or language. The all-satisfying love that emanates from Him makes each person feel the affection of a parent, friend and teacher, all in one. It is very easy to become a recipient because there is no other giver like Shri Maharaj Ji. True to His name "Kripalu", He is the very "Ocean of Grace".

Birth, Childhood and Youth

Jagadguru Kripalu Ji Maharaj appeared in a village called Mangarh, near Allahabad, India, on the auspicious night of Sharat Purnima in October 1922. His mother Bhagvati Devi and father Lalita Prasad named Him Ram Kripalu at birth. From the very first day, He delighted the hearts of everyone around Him with His sweet smile and serene look. Since His childhood, His extraordinary virtues were noticed by people around Him. He spent His childhood in youthful fun, but at the same time, He excelled effortlessly in His studies and astonished His teachers and fellow students by His extraordinary intelligence and phenomenal memory. He completed His schooling in a very short span of time, followed by the study of Sanskrit grammar, literature and Ayurveda. This brief period of study did not include study of the scriptures.

At around the age of sixteen, He suddenly gave up His studies and resumed His natural divine nature and remained engrossed in Divine Love as He disappeared into the dense forest near Sharbhang ashram in Chitrakoot, and then into the forests near Vanshivat in Vrindavan. During this period, He graced the deserving souls who got to see a glimpse of the true form of Radha-Krishna love appearing in its fullest charm and highest ecstatic excitement. He remained totally immersed in the ecstasy of Divine Love, oblivious to the outer world. He forgot to pay attention to His physical state and the world around Him, remaining unconscious for hours on end. He gradually controlled and concealed this supreme bliss and completely devoted Himself to gracing the souls by revealing His divine wisdom and knowledge of the scriptures and with His sublime chanting, which spread powerful waves of Divine Love and Bliss, inspiring devotion in even the most stone-hearted.

Jagadguru Title

Shri Maharaj Ji observed that people were misguided and totally ignorant of the actual essence of the scriptures, and the true form of devotional practice. To rectify this dismal spiritual state of mankind, in the year 1955, He organised a huge conference in Chitrakoot, which was attended by the most eminent scholars and Saints from Kashi, and various other parts of India. Another religious conference of a similar scale was organised by Him in 1956 in Kanpur. It was during these conferences that His scriptural omniscience was revealed to the world, and even the most learned scholars of Kashi who attended the conference were lost in amazement.

Impressed by Shri Maharaj Ji's extraordinary authoritative knowledge of all the scriptures, the Kashi Vidvat Parishat, a prestigious and exclusive body of 500 of the most revered Vedic scholars, who collectively represent the foremost seat of spiritual learning in India, invited him to Kashi (Varanasi). Shri Maharaj Ji delivered a series of discourses in Sanskrit, which left all of them spellbound and speechless. With profound admiration, the scholars accepted Shri Maharaj Ji's knowledge to be deeper than the combined knowledge of all 500 of them put together. They unanimously acclaimed him as "Jagadguru" (Spiritual Master of the whole world). This historic event took place on 14 January 1957. At the time, He was only 34 years of age.

Furthermore, the Kashi Vidvat Parishat honoured Him with a special title of "Jagadguruttam" (Supreme amongst all Jagadgurus).

Jagadguru Shri Kripalu Ji Maharaj is the only Saint of this age who has been honoured with the title of "Jagadguru", the highest authority amongst all Hindu Vedic Saints and scholars. This title is given only to that Saint who brings about a spiritual revolution in the world through His divine teachings. Jagadguru Shri Kripalu Ji Maharaj is the supreme exponent of Sanatan Dharm, the eternal Vedic religion, and His reconciliation of all philosophies and faiths is unparalleled.

Scriptural Discourses

After accepting the title of Jagadguru, Shri Kripalu Ji Maharaj travelled throughout India continuously for around fourteen years. He delivered month-long discourses in various cities, in which He revealed the mysteries of the scriptures before tens of thousands of people. Masses gathered at the venue for a glimpse of an extraordinary scholar and a Saint whose words left them spellbound.

Since that time, He has continued to spread the knowledge and shower the nectar of Divine Love and Bliss. Shri Maharaj Ji's lectures tantalize the masses with humour, everyday examples and practical instructions, delighting people of any age, language or country. It is a unique experience as He makes the deepest scriptural truths accessible to everyone in the simplest language. His penetrative words have such divine power that even an atheist's heart can melt when Shri Maharaj Ji describes the nature of the ultimate and absolute truth.

Satsang – True Association

In the 1940s and 1950s, Shri Maharaj Ji started conducting satsang (true association) that brought about a revolution of Bhakti (devotion) in the states of UP and Rajasthan. He would lead kirtans (divine chantings) imbued with intense devotion, which would continue throughout the night. These kirtans, which He wrote himself, have been compared by scholars with those of Meerabai, Soordas, Tulsidas, and Ras Khan.

His sankirtan programs of those days were like the vivid glow of Radha-Krishn love that touched every heart, inspired everyone who was there and thrilled every soul who desired love of Radha-Krishna. Quite often He revealed the most amazing ecstatic state of divine love. According to the known history of Rasik Saints, these eminent states of Radha-Krishna love were revealed on the earth planet by Chaitanya Mahaprabhu Ji for the first time in the last 5,000 years. The same expressions of divine love were seen in Shri Maharaj Ji when he chanted "Hare Ram" and "Hari Bol" in ecstasy.

Shri Maharaj Ji's divine kirtans have secured a place for themselves in the hearts of sincere devotees across the globe, who have understood the divine greatness of Shri Maharaj Ji's Satsang and the extent of graciousness which He is showering upon all the souls.

Unlimited Grace on the Souls

Shri Maharaj Ji's entire life is the revelation of the state of Radha Krishna love. From the time He wakes up until the time He goes to bed, Shri Maharaj Ji is amongst the devotees showering nectar of Divine Bliss.

Shri Maharaj Ji mostly resides in His ashrams in Mangarh, Barsana, Vrindavan and Delhi. Thousands of people visit these divine centres to have Shri Maharaj Ji's association and to participate in ecstatic chanting programs and celebrations. Sometimes Shri Maharaj Ji visits different cities and towns to enlighten the hearts and minds of huge audiences that gather to hear His explanations of the divine philosophy. His vivid descriptions of Radha Krishna pastimes and virtues thrill the audience with the experience of Krishna love.

Each and every individual soul who is naturally yearning for the attainment of happiness, finds solace in Shri Maharaj Ji. He shines with divinity and has been working tirelessly to uplift humanity. He dispels all doubts of spiritual confusion with great ease and effectively reveals a clear and practical path leading to God. He is, in true sense of the word, a Jagadguru, Guru of the entire world.

There is an introduction..

Basicly in Shri Maharajis pressance / company i have never experienced such bliss, heart purification , profound transfomation and love.

Nothing means more to me than him.. i know this is hard to understand.. I love him as my father... He payed very special attention to me and the experiences i encounterd in his company were profound :) I feel his pressance with me on a day to day basis.

Shri maharaji shows a direct path to the realization of / God / Divine / happiness or whatever you want to call it. At one point in my life i actually wanted to dedicate my whole life to this purpose and realization.

Part of the process of spiritual practice in this partucular path (Sadhanna) involves something called (Rhoop Dhyan)

the name "Rhoop" means "Form" and "Dhyan" means meditate. So it is meditation / focusing your mind, obsorbing the mind on your chosen ideal (Form) of Divinity... Immersing your mind in it.

At first, this is done through the process of "visulization". Now as you can imagine.. for me practicing "Rhoop Dhyan" is more challenging because i have all the Visuals (HPPD) on top of the visualization (Dhyan) meditation on the "form" to contend with.. making my sadhanna practice more challenging. ( like a visuals on top of a visulixation) LOL Part of the aim is to immerse ones mind in "God".. attaching the mind to the divine.. (whatever chosen ideal the individual relates to) whilst a large majority of the time my mind has all the spymptoms of HPPD to contend with at the same time making this far more challenging.

Basicly in the early days of HPPD .. learning about spirituality, gave me the streangth to cope and the courage/guidance to move on... convincing my self that i was not going mad etc LOL this is was before i discoverd "Shree Maharaji"

I have invsetigated many other traditions as well, although i recignize Shri Maharaji as my Guru.

On my last visit to India, i decided to leave his company due to the fact that the visuals were so overwhelming during this exact process.

I thaught to myself at one stage.. there is no way i can continue like this and decided to leave the path... For some time (quite a few years) a was much more involoved in "the world" "left the path" and learned the skills to become more of my own leader, leading my own life and leading others. Although after many experiences in the world, i never found true , satisfying happiness, and in comparison found it quite a a"dry" place to be. Although my spirituality has always been a part of me.

Being a "soul" the soul naturally desires bliss, or divine love which can be experienced through ones chosen path.

Ok, i know this is quite personal and something diffrent.. and it is very diffrent from todays / culture / society.. some people may be judjmental, thats ok.. this is something i have been opend up to in my life, experienced first hand so it has meaning for me. For me, it is not eithre or but "both and" I still love many other things in life, have many goals / dreams and asperations .... tho i yearn to know "God" which has been cultivated through these prior experiences and understanding. There is a saying, "once you have heard a bell ring, you cant un ring it"

Please do your Best to undrestand... i totally welcome any questions or insight.

It is a fact.. that the mind can be "only one place at a time " so in many ways with persistant practice and discipline... this is still all possible?

Thanks again :)

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OK Discussing how HPPD can be an obsticle / preventing full persual of spiritual goals.

It is not preventing me from persuing my spiritual goals tho it makes certain spiritual practices more challenging (obsticle) when u have HPPD to contend with at the same time.

The mind can really only be one place at a time .... to become absorbed in / fully attached to ( my chosed ideal of divinity with form )

Part of this process is done through thinking about God with form.. a form of Divinity... this is usually done through visulization / meditation with eyes closed..

While i am doing meditation with eyes closed... i have all the HPPD visuals to contend with overlaying / interfering with my devotional visulization / meditation (on the chosen ideal) at the same time and throught the entire day and evening... So it makes the practice more difficult.. like having this HPPD veil between yourself and the chosen ideal diverting the attention.

For example.. supose someone with HPPD closed there eyes and just tried to visulize the form of there mother, thinking about her, seeing her, all her atributes etc etc... just his or her mother and nothing else. At the same time while doing there best to just see his / her mother, to visulize her form... to just focus the mind on her... the HPPD individual has all the visuals of HPPD to contend with at the same time, making it more difficult to just focus / visulize in the mind the form of his or her mother alone, without all the disruption of constant visual distortions at the same time.

It is like HPPD visuals on top of your Meditation / vislization which makes it harder to just focus on the desired object single mindedley. One pointedley.

I know this may be a new concept, and might be tricky to grasp. I feel like it is kind of personal too. Many people on this forum may be athiests..and im totally cool with that...

Tho i would like aneyones imput about this... do you think i am making it up? or others with similar symptoms.. do you feel you would have the same or similar a similar challenge.?

Maybe someone else with HPPD could test it out for themselves.. For example, just try thinking of the form of a beautiful girl... how she looks ... visulizing just her form.. do you have all the HPPD visuals overlapping interfering with your intention to just focus souley on the one object i.e. the girl?

If i am making this up, i want to know about it.. i want to be true to myself about it.. maybe there is a way the the attention can be trained to focus one pointedley with out all the other visual disruptions, with consistant practice and discipline. Im certainly not giving up. and there are times when my practice is going well and other times it may be an "HPPD WHITE OUT" making it difficult...

Does this give you more clarity about what im trying to expalain using these metapors?

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Yes, visualization would be troublesome.

What you will need to do is visualize in an non-visual way - for example, when thinking about music, it is melodies, tones and emotions where you 'dwell'. People born blind must have their own form of visualization [As a curious side-point, there are no known cases of people born blind developing schizophrenia]

As for a beautiful girl - she is soft, tender, her voice melodious, her own smell, etc. All this without opening your eyes.

As for you making it all up - no. You problems are real, your goals are important. I am more 'Western' in thinking and don't think of God in visual terms (even though vision is my favorite of the senses :rolleyes: )

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Yes, unfortunatley it is troublesome...

Thinking about music sounds good... you are right there.. all the senses can be involved in the meditation... and what is most important is the feelings in ones heart, that counts most anyway.

Thanks.. yes it is a real problem, geez ive been working on this for half my life LOL

I am more 'Western' in thinking and don't think of God in visual terms (even though vision is my favorite of the senses :rolleyes: )

Cool that is Great .. this philosiphy i shared mainly originates from Ancient Eastern tardidions tho it is universal in scope ...

haha :) i think my fravroute sense at present would have to be touch.. im well over visuals LOL

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I am thinking of going to Boston for medication HPPD trials..

If any Moderators have David Kozins contact number or e mail... can you please send it to me via message.

I Did have it and recentley spoke with him by phone and have unfortunatley mis-placed his number. Now he is no longer on FaceBook so it is tricky to get in touch with him..

That would be much appreciated ,,

Thankyou :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am thinking of going to Boston for medication HPPD trials..

If any Moderators have David Kozins contact number or e mail... can you please send it to me via message.

I Did have it and recentley spoke with him by phone and have unfortunatley mis-placed his number. Now he is no longer on FaceBook so it is tricky to get in touch with him..

That would be much appreciated ,,

Thankyou :)

I know Visual posted the link to Dr. A's website. Just an extra detail, go to the contact form and even though it seems like you're entering a public testimonial, you're not. He will get the message and reply promtly to you. If you're able to go see him, definitely do it. He's such an awesome person, practictioner and scientist, I really enjoyed meeting him and despite the fact most of the other doctors in world suck balls, your conversation with him will undoubtedly give you a level of inner confidence that we will all be able to live great lives whether by medical intervention (done properly) or by natural time-based healing and coping methods. I wish you the best. FTR, I read the stuff about your spiritual connection and let's just say it's in my cultural wheelhouse. This is my opinion if you care to hear it -- meditation and spirituality CAN work, but IMO it's really just initiating a physiological response. I really don't like all the misleading mumbo jumbo that goes along with it, cuz often it's just not honest. It exists for a reason and like I said, it is not by any means something foreign to me, I have a good understanding of why it it presented in this form (not unlike most religion, although it's fairly harmless, perhaps why it's absolved of any fierce opposition and leads to stuff like hot yoga...sigh). Point is, if it works for you, that really great and I think what you're doing is (to simplify it) basically a form of CBT. I've studied brain plasticity and associated topics and I am very encouraged by the potential for what we can do just by thought. Ultimately it comes down to a form of appliying scientific principles (that have yet to be completely fleshed out). It's harder to explain certain natural phenomenon than to derive benefit from them.

there is a way to heal. Good luck mate!

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