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Walking up to Heavens from Hell


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Hello, i dont really know where to start, its my first time posting something online, i always suffered with being on the outs, but this site gives me a strange feeling, a feeling of Hope, that someone has answers for my lifelong questions. 

Im 20, and my Last 2 years were, Hell, i was depressed since childhood, at the age of 8 i was hospitalized coz i was beating to bloods any kid, even bigger, older, and after that "cure" for my agresiveness i became a People pleaser. My mom told me that i was IQ tested, got 140(8yr.) But now, im the dumbest i could be, i think multiple viewpoints at once, when i talk to someone i can go forever without stopping, i dont understand anything anyone says to me, i percieve everything with the evil first, i feel primal. Always looking out for something unexpected, a lie a backstab, i can go Shopping and think my house could get robbed, i walk the Street and think like i Gotta watch my shadow so i can see if anyone walks close behind me to punch me or anything, i dont trust anyone, even my own mind, i became much spiritual, since hidden meanings are my suffer choice, but it doesnt help, what i found out on this site is everything i see, but please, someone, i need to feel im not alone in this. 

At age of 17 was my first suicide attempt

I was smart, always best at school, started weed and all went Down, didnt even finish school. After that, i had over ten more tries and always survived, broken even more, since i was trying to drugkill myself

Last year, i did something which changed me into this mess, i know, you can clearly see it in the way i type this post, a mess that goes on and on. I had a fight with my loved one, women always could bring the worst in my head when hate came. 

I wanted to kill myself so bad i snorted dissociatives, i was smoking weed, using lsd, extasy, shrooms, anything i could. 

I had a killdose, dont know how much it was, but like, imagine "a normal mdma line", i snorted like 10 lines of dissociatives and i know the Guy i got it from Said i should do like micrograms, few grains of it, no lines, otherwise i Die. 

I wanted that. 

After using it, my head started spinning so bad i had to sit on the floor, i was experinced, but this was something else.

I heard screams in my head, so loud like it was really There, all those screams were dejavu, all, i had dejavu the whole dying process, i Felt every cell in my body raising in heat, Felt how blood moves inside the veins ever where, i Felt like someone gonna Split my skin and jump out, well.. I was awake for 3 days, 3 nights, slowly losing it, bearing the pain, wainting to Die, but i still didnt, i was so fucked i coudlnt even Fall asleep, i started drawing random things, good drawing, and i cant really draw, like someone else did it. I even wrote on the Back some deep shit. (i didnt remember them, found out later, i was confused and still am). 

After all that pain, suffering, i went to the hospital, because it was unbearable, and i didnt feel like it could axtually kill me anymore.

I left the hospital after 2 days. They threatened They would lock me up and stuff, but a friend of mine in the hospital helped to get my paperwork accepted

I went on with my life like nothing hapenned, i still smoke weed, dont do drugs anymore

To this Day, i dont feel sane, im glad im alive, but im suicidal

I feel lonely, but i hate People when im with them

Im a compulsive talker and cant stop it even with knowledge of it

I walk so wierd, i dont feel my body, since i wake up i feel no weight

I dont feel physical pain, only my head can hurt

I cant really see, i had bad vision all my life, but i see like nothing is solid, colors leak out into each other, everything is shaking all the time, things move closer and farther, up and Down, i often can start thinking, and i close my Eyes, and with thinking about it, i can see an image from behind myself in the air, like in a third person game. 

Sometimes i see Gray, with sparks, splitting lines and geometry, other days i see totally diferrent, like 500% more saturated, and im really Fast and physically strong those days, like a beast, im 50kg, i have no workout, but still, when this happens, i can do 10 pushups on one Hand, in a row, and i could do more, but my shoulder starts doing sounds.. After that, i feel like i popped 2 extasys(i know even how 4feel,did it.) 

Sometimes i can go on days without eating, i dont lose weight, dont feel hungry

Im in an infinite trip, i cant get my mind to work, but my body desperately lives, everything that i experience, can be intetpretet as Hell. 

Im trying my Best to adapt, overcome, stay strong, with this defect, i can understand, see and feel things other cannot. But i cant manage to stay connected to the world. Im in my own, with all the Gates closed, i locked myself in with the choices i Made, and now i suffer permanently,. 

I know this post is a mess. I dont really know why im doing this 

I never got to get this throigh to anyone

What i read about hddp, is like 1% of my experience, and i Hope, i find someone, who is the 1% too

I would love to hear every opinion i can get

I dont want compassion, People to be sorry and say nice things 

I want your absolute truth, how do you feel about my experience, what do you think, any Wild thought is accepted

Thanks for Reading this.. Mess




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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey, i can feel you..its not realy more different with me in the point  of Living in your own life, another similar point of you which i feel the most is that  i can not connect to the world..because of the completly different Person of myself and im not even able to get a conversation with REAL emotions, the real me, because the real me isnt there its everytime just a Fake conversation which just has one side and the Most times i cant really follow..cant connect to the world, to the people...i m also still Smoking weed and i just want you to say that it just makes the whole thing worser..for the Moment you Smoke you may Feel good but i think the brain isnt really able to „repair“ or get better, when you consume a Substanz which makes You forget where u put your Stuff..so i also have to stop smoking weed and the beginning time of the stop it will be really Hard with aggression ur mind etc..because Ur Body/brain is missing sth..and starts to process all the shit..but sooner or later the brain HAS TO PROCESS IT. What we have to do is fill the time with sport, Go a lot of jogging etc. So i have to quit now, sorry for my englisch i am from germany and i have hppd 🤣 so before anything else, stop smoking weed brother! Its simple and also important..weed Makes the whole shit worser..i know its Not easy 

keep it up, God will help through this whole shit if you ask him for help with your full  heart, everyday. 
best wishes, i know its hard af..
(btw my first post here)

Edited by Germanuser
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  • 3 months later...

I scrambled myself (I don't have a word for it) when I tried to annihilate my ego in a series of Ayahuasca ceremonies, and I did some crazy reckless things after that. In my experience weed can make all this exponentially worse. The hellish aspects of it I believe are connected to lack of self love and self acceptance. Saying this "I LOVE YOU!!!" to yourself, you would be amazing what this can actually do. You see it as your falling asleep and your subconscious takes over. You can say it to yourself in your head 1000 times in a day, the more you do it, the more you see it subtly seeping in. You can even say "I FUCKIN LOVE YOU!!!". Another one "I DEEPLY LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF". In my experience love is the resolution. 

And your past choices don't matter so much as your present choices. You can say "I'M SORRY" to yourself, really say it and keep saying it until you feel it in your heart. This WORKS! And saying "THANK YOU!!!" for every little thing, it's got immense power that your conscious mind might not understand. It's like if you've driven yourself to hell because you didn't realize that you're in the driver's seat. Little things like affirmations let you steer in the direction of heaven. 

If you haven't read Eckhart Tolles books, I highly recommend it. This helped me so immensely cultivate equanimity within myself. I can't explain how much this has helped me. I've observed that I can instantly go from hell to heaven when I surrender to and accept hell. And resisting can drag me down into the depths of hell. It's not always easy to surrender and accept. Eckhart Tolles books open your eyes to a lot of aspects of this. 

Edited by Entheologist
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