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Age 30 with HPPD


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When i was 17 as a freshman in High School i dabbled a bit in drugs. At the time LSD was pretty popular so i took it a few times. One of those times i had a very `bad trip` where i lost my sence of self and became detatched from reality.

I woke up the next day and felt like i was still on the drugs. Weeks past and i still could not shake the feeling. My best friends did not know who i was anymore, and i was hallucinating constantly (as in 24/7). I was very scared and confused, but did not know what to do so i just tried my best to hide it. I ended up dropping out of high school and became a hermit. I did nothing but play video games and smoke pot as a way to self medicate my LSD like symptoms. This went on for years.

At age 21 i finnaly hit rock bottom and went to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Depression, Social Anxiety, Depersonalization, Derealization, and HPPD(Hallucagenic Perception Persistant Disorder).

Everything was treatable but the HPPD, which currently there is no cure, and most doctors do not even know what it is. I began taking medications.

None of them worked. I took over 12 different kinds of medicines. None of them gave me much releif. I was than diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression and my doctor basically told me he doesnt know what else to do.

At age 24 i began making a huge effort to change. I started a new job, i worked out 6 days a week, i got in amazing shape, i went from 265 pounds to 180 in less than 6 months. I got a girlfriend. I started college. In the end though, i still felt absolutely depressed, and still Hallucinated constantly. It was a band aid over a flesh wound.

Eventually i decided to join the military. Sadly in Boot Camp (Marines) the stress and anxiety became so overwelming i started to freak out. Especially Visually. My LSD HPPD symptoms were out of control. I could not even think straight, and felt like i was about to break down any minute. I had to get out. So i told the med staff i lied on my application and in fact had a variety of mental disorders. I was dismissed and sent home.

I was age 25 and my life began crashing around me(again). After Boot Camp i was destroyed. I had no self confidence, no self esteem, no motivation to do anything. I did nothing for an entire year but contemplate where i was going next. Eventually I decided to persue a career as a 3D Artist making video games.

I moved out of my parents(again) and started going to college(again). I did really good at being an artist and my teacher had high hopes. Sadly, the depression, anxiety, and HPPD were a constant weight on my shoulders. I could not hold a job. All the years of isolation and lack of social experience destroyed me at work. I could not relate to people and prefered to be by myself. This caused me extreme discomfort and i knew if i did not get it handled any hopes at a `career` job would be over.

I did not get it handled. I got a job at a big game studio working on Star Wars. I was depressed and anxious. I started to rub people the wrong way at work, and started to isolate myself again, and a few months later i got fired.

I have had over 10-15 jobs through out my life and have either been fired or quit from every single one. I just cannot function.

I have been living with my parents for the past 2-3 years and my life is a wreck. No matter what i do, or what i try to do to better my situation, i have this lingering feeling of depression and hopelessness.

I had a interview with a major game studio in california and am currently assigned to do an art test. If i pass the art test i get the job. I have 10 days to complete it and for the past 2 days i have not touched it. I just KNOW that if i get the job, move all the way to california, my depression, anxiety, and hallucinations will sabatoge whatever i do. I will get fired, and be left with an apartment lease and a vehicle with no way to pay for it. So i figure, why even try?

For the first time ever i have been contemplating suicide. I know for a fact i do not want to live. At this point i cannot realistically hope for my symptoms of depression and anxiety to suddenly `go away` and especially not my HPPD, which is permanent and life altering. Sadly, i do not have the balls to **** myself. Atleast not right now. I figure if things do not improve within the next 5 years i will have no choice.

All my dreams have been crushed. My life has been a living hell since i took that hit of LSD 13 years ago. Im not really sure what to do about it anymore. It seems like every time i try to better my situation, i get thrown to the ground and trampled on. No medication has worked. I sleep till 4pm. I have no motivation. I am a ******* vegetable.

This world is not made for people with disabilitys. If you are not 100% healthy you are no use to anyone. For now i have the support of my parents, but what will happen when they are not here to help me? I will be destroyed, utterly and completely.

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I know youve been through alot, and thats where these feelings stem from, but you don't really KNOW that moving to california will be bad for you. It might help distract you. You wont necessarily be fired, but it's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy that youre setting up for yourself. Try to work on it man.

Take a short term lease, get a rent a car til your confidence boosts, whatever. Ive thought about what youre thinkin about myself, but chances are, you love your parents way too much, do you really wanna put them through that? Youve got no realistic short term chances of goin through with it, so why not try at a job you love? If you already feel like your life is over then fuck it, what do you have to lose?

Im lucky my parents caught my drug use though, who knows where id be if id kept on with it. My symptoms were so mild before I kept on fuckin myself up...sigh.

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Yeah im just like so fucking detatched from life right now its like, i dont even want to do the test. I almost feel like if i dont get some sort of mental stability going, there is no point in persuing something like a career job where i will be dealing with people and stress on a daily basis, and long hours on the computer (which makes my hppd worst)

The bad part about that, aside from not getting a good job, is the town i live in is very small and there is really nothing here to motivate me besides a small gym and a dude i met who teaches MMA. IDK man, im just not sure i will grow much living here. Fuck.

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Hey, you ever think about getting help from Dr Abraham in Boston? I mean that would be a long way to travel but if you are going to kill yourself it might be worth a shot. I hear he is the Godfather of HPPD. You might give him a shout. drabraham.com. Hell, I'd go up there if my HPPD was worse but its really mild. I'm not sure what he could due since there is no cure. But maybe there is a treatment....meaning lessening of symptoms versus total cure. He'd be the dude to help if anyone can.

He also offered to consult with my local doctor. That is the route I'm going. I'm hoping that he can convince my doc to put me on something ... i dunno...different or non standard that might help.

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  • 1 month later...

I hope you realize that most of your problems come from the fact you are not capable of living on this society because this society is not friendly to us. We have a set of visual impairments that makes it unfair for us to live with most of the agressive competitive capitalist nature of our society. But that is all. Who said we *need* this lifestyle, anyway?

We can still do great things when we are strong enough to ignore and control our simptoms and there are many places where we can be welcome. Music and other forms of art don't give a fuck to our issues. It can even be an advantage.

But I would particularly like to invite you to research. If your life doesn't matter anymore, why not spend it studying our problem? Have you ever heard of Lorenzo's Oil? Why not? Go to piratebay, download some books and start studying. Our brain is not a magical device. It follow clear physical laws and thus can be understood. We can find what is wrong it us. There is hope but only if we work hard, because nobody will do it for us. Please, consider this.

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