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Going on 3 years


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Hey, I just discovered the forum is back! I was on it before it went down, then just gave up on internet forums to deal with hppd on my own. I'm going on 3 years since I got hppd coming up this December. I've been through a lot of sh*t from panic, to crazy thoughts, major depression, to EXTREME derealization, visual problems, and most recently a sleep disorder that made things just terrible. At first I was sleeping all the time, like 12 hours. Then I couldn't go to sleep. I really didn't sleep more than 5 or 6 hours a night for about a year which was really tough. But I'm happy to report, I'm doing about a billion times better then when I first started having problems.

Lately, I'm just confused. If this makes sense, I feel normal enough to not say hppd is my biggest problem, but I still have mental problems. I really just feel kinda bipolar. I will slump into these depressions, they can last for weeks, then one day I will just wake up and be all stoked and come out of it for a while and be like see why did I even had those suicidal thoughts. It's like I'm constantly arguing with myself about whether I am depressed or not. Which leads me to my next issue, the dual self.

I feel like I have two trains of thought, and they constantly battle each other, and they are both me, but sometimes don't seem like me. It's constantly going in my head to the point that when I actually talk, I'm suprised to hear my own voice. I don't know if it existed before hppd, or if it's something I developed out of thinking too much. But meditating seems to help because it kinda clears things out of my brain a bit. I try to think that it's just intrusive negative thoughts that are making me depressed. But it's hard to determine if it's me or just something that I am fighting off.

In a lot of ways I think I am just in denial about having had hppd. Like I never really accepted that it was a major problem. When I look back on it, or tell someone about it, it brings no emotion. Maybe I just blocked it out, or maybe I don't remember. You know I never told my parents about this, I've just avoided them. I've just been waiting for it to go away before I talk to them. Now I look back and it's been three years and they probably just think I've been a total asshole because whenever I do talk to them it's like a 10 minute phone conversation that I just can't wait to get over with. I kinda tell them that I've been depressed, but they have no idea for real.

It's just crazy, my mind goes a billion miles a minutes, I can't shut it off and I have all these different ideas, not just hppd but about all things, it could be about what I should do that day, like a thought to go read a book, or go do this, or do that with my life. But then when I bring it to reality theres just like this groan that goes through my body..it's painful to do anything. I just get frustrated with myself. I wish I could bring my inner merged with my outer active self. I don't get it. I really don't.

Ok well I got off on a bit of a rant there haha, but anyways...uh good to see the forums is back because this is really the best place for anyone with hppd. Without this place, I don't know where I would be.

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I just posted my own thread and its amazing how similar ours sound. I completely understand the sleep disorder and feelings of bipolar. Just like you said there are days where I could sleep all day, before I really started focusing on my sleep cycle there would be days where I slept for over 14 hours and then a week or maybe even a few days later I would get two hours of sleep over two nights. I have recently gotten this to somewhat go away. I have been getting to bed around 9 o clock on weeknights and for about two weeks I had an alarm set for 8 AM. Even though I didn't sleep the whole 11 hours of alotted time, it seemed to get me kind of in a sleep rhythm for the first time since I developed HPPD. The only downside is when I do end up having to stay up late for homework or other reasons, symptoms of derealization seem to get worse.

The feeling of bipolar is still a mystery to me. I can be depressed for even weeks at a time, but then just as you described it I start feeling much more energetic. Its only a matter of time until I sink back into the depressed state. It just sucks that my emotions keep going up and down. Also I was prescribed SSRIs to help with the bipolar symptoms and it made shit a lot worse for me. I'm not saying that its not worth a try just be careful if you do try meds.

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