HPPD for 6 Weeks now

[schwartzweiß]

Hi everyone,

i'm from Germany, 22 years old and i have had HPPD symptoms since i used MDMA six weeks ago.

To be more specific:

6 Weeks ago, the weekend before my 22. birthday i went to Berlin with a friend. Now i can say that i've also been depressed at least a little bit the months before, but i didn't realize that. I was psyched to see Berlin because of the clubs and drugs, since i'm a big techno fan and have been interested in drugs for a while and found myself wanting to try some of them. I also wanted to see the university since i planned to move there after my bachelor and get my masters degree. I was especially interested in MDMA and after a long weekend of very little sleep, a lot of alcohol and some amphetamin we went to a club on sunday night (or monday morning) where a friend, who had already used MDMA before, and i took some.

At no time of the trip was it anything like i expected. It felt like is was suddenly a thousand times more drunk und i saw hallucinogen-like patterns on the wall and the music was just to much for me. I also had very strong derealization. I got very anxious and wanted to go home and just sleep it off. I was convinced we had been given a different substance and i couldnt sleep while freaking out about was it could have been. I thought i was going to die from some overdose.

Of course i didnt see the university and the trip home was a disaster for me. It felt like the worst hangover while still on that trip.

When i got home i told my parents the next day, which was also my birthday, because i was freaking out and thought i was going to die. I had panic and anxiety attacks all the time, which recurred less often whith time, but still are present maybe once a week.

I went to the doctor about a week later, who couldnt find anything and convinced me it would go away by itself. I had heard of HPPD before but didnt even think of it, since i wasnt aware that its has also been associated with MDMA. I thought i just had a bad case of depression, which i still do, but after reading up on it again im certain i do suffer from HPPD since all my symptoms fit. From what i read on this forum i now know i have a rather mild case of HPPD but it still severely changed my life for the past few weeks.

Life is just no fun this way. Its a struggle to get out of bed everyday. My symptoms go from hardly noticeable to barely managable in public - sometimes in minutes without any obvious reason.

Currently im treated holistically by my mum who does that for a living. She doesnt want me to visit a doctor and is strictly against any medication, but sooner or later i will visit a psychiatrist if it doesnt go away by itself since i still feel depressed and have mood swings all the time.

I can still perform any task for the most part, i even passed an exam but its very enervating. I havent told any of my friends and i function well enough for them not to notice anything, although i constantly get asked why i suddenly stopped drinking alcohol and im also trying to quit smoking.

For you not to get the wrong idea: Ive never been a heavy drug user. I did amphetamin maybe 5 or 6 times before that Berlin trip and enjoyed the occasional joint.

I'm really sorry this got pretty long, but i wanted to describe exactely what happened and it feels good to share.

This forum has already helped me a lot and im looking forward to participate and keep you updated at least for the next few weeks or months.

I hope this may help someone.