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rambling is good my friend.

You seem to be overly aware of your symptoms (like most HPPD people), and I think that comes with a measure of realizing what's not "normal" and what should be - something a crazy person would not be able to do. I doubt you are schizo, I've had the exact same problem that you mentioned: the battling back and forth between what seems like "two yous" in your head.

What I think it comes from, is OCD.

Other than that, I haven't ever really talked about HPPD with people other than my parents in the summer (which was more of a built up explosion, rather than a educated discussion).

I don't know how understanding people who don't know what it is, will be. I suppose it makes sense though, they will probably just stigmatize the "drug usage" bit, especially if you are linking it to some lasting neurological problems. I definitely would love to be able to express my frustration more often though, regardless of whether the listener is thinking poorly of my story.

For me, I have come to realize that HPPD has unleashed an already present demon into my world - anxiety.

I always had it in various forms: most prolifically with dealing with girls. It lead to me not even being able to talk to a girl without stammering and fidgeting and feeling like I was about to stop breathing.

Post-HPPD *or...during* it rears itself irregularly in weird ways. If I start to get panicky over homework or an exam, out comes the anxious bug.

I think getting some treatment just for that would probably be a helpful thing (for me).

Anyways, figured I'd reply to indicate that atleast on here, people will read what you write.

(also, not to be a prude, but if you space out your sentences, it's much easier on the eyes - especially if the eyes are already screwy).

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  • 1 month later...

I understand completely friend. I have spent some time wrestling addiction and very much understand that succeeding alone is incredibly rare and quite difficult. Support groups work because of the group itself. Forums can work in the same fashion no matter how rare the disorder is. Moreso than gaggles of people parroting recycled cliches and telling you the multitude of reasons you SHOULD be happy to be alive, it is other sufferers that help the most. Just my humble opinion. I will email you tomorrow and would gladly be available to talk. Therapists and loved ones try, as is the case with substance abuse, but unless you are living it you will never get it and therefore never be able to provide the support a "fellow traveller" can (my best friend is a nueroscientist but has no idea how to help me with substance abuse or HPPD other than to advise that I involve myself with others that grapple with it daily, which I have)....keep your head up and know that (although a bit cliche) you are not at all alone. Somehow I have endured seventeen years in such a state. I only now find some life worth in assisting others....

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