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Not sure what to do...someone to talk to?


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Seems this board has changed a bit since I have been here last....it's been about 9 months. I've been in and out of here for the past two years since my hppd has started. I've gone through a lot since then, and would like to think I've made progress but I am not really sure at this point. Even as I'm writing this I still get the feeling where I'm struggling to write, as if this is fruitless. But I'll try to go on. I made a few posts here and there before but alot of the time I didnt really feel like they would be read or truely considered so I've been largely dealing with this on my own. I feel locked in my own head and it's not healthy. I know a few people that have reported problems similar to hppd in the past but they either don't seem to want to talk about them or I don't know if they are on the same page as me so I feel like its like talking to a wall. Same goes for my therapist. I think he has a pretty decent understanding of anxiety, depression, ptsd, ect from a "from the book" sort of way but I feel like hppd is a different breed. He is concentrating on what I consider "real" issues like my past relationship with my family, ect, which I think has some relevance but it really doesnt hit the nail on the head for hppd and I again feel somewhat helpless. It even seems to be warping this into a whole different realm to where I'm not even talking about hppd anymore and I wonder if I'm starting to generate new problems for myself in my head. A psychiatrist has suggested that I might be bipolar and try Zoloft which I am pretty reluctant to take. I just wish I had someone that could kinda read my mind a little bit, which I know is asking alot, but it seems like alot of people here can take someones broken description of what they feel and come out with "I know how you feel". I think if I could just have a conversation from time to time with someone in my world it would help alot because I feel locked away from the rest of the world alot of times and it seems like it may be coming out in strange ways. Lately I have been having episodes where I start to feel something rising inside me, and I get a tightness in my throat like I have had many times during anxiety, but this time I have an insatiable desire for destruction. Even if I scream, yell, whatever, It does not satisfy. I just want to break things, or crash my car, or something. Of course I would never want to hurt anyone or anything but I just think its me lashing out and feeling the frustration of trying to force myself back into the outside world. I hope that doesn't freak anyone out, I'm really a nice person, I just hope some of you understand. I have so many other instances that I want to share with someone, like how sometimes I feel so inside myself that I start to talk to myself in my head, and I will answer back with something, that I already know what I will think, but I will still have this conversation in my head, a battle of thoughts, and it starts to freak me out, like who else is in here with me. But if I speak out loud to myself, it doesn't feel right, like my verbal self wasn't even a part of it. I know that sounds crazy, but no I have never vebally heard or seen anything and I have been over plenty of times with my therapist how I fear that I could be schizo. I know this is not true, but the stress, rambling thoughts, overthinking, restless nights, meaningless theories, and billion different directions that I take myself are really wearing on me. I tend to keep to myself anyways, so it's always been easy to get an idea and have it stay with me for a while. I know this was alot about psychological theory but it all started with the same stuff everyone has had...extreme anxiety, panic attacks, blurry vision, afterimages, headaches, head pressures, ringing ears, nausea, depersonalization, lethargy, depression, I've had it all. Like I said I've been doing alot better, I have plenty of fine days. Even days when I feel normal, and I've even felt compelled to officially write my "success story" for everyone. But they say hppd comes and goes in waves like throwing a stone into a pool and I can't say I'm totally cured. I even wonder if i've even just gotten used to things sucking and that I'm not even getting better, just getting used to being out of it...and that scares me too. But theres just too many things to talk about. I wrote this after a day where all day i felt like destroying everything in sight, but oddly on the outside, i kept the same calm cool persona when I talked to people at work. Most of the times I felt like bursting out, but its just odd how I've trained myself to function while ignoring whats going on inside, which is something I don't think is truely good. Anyhow I've rambled long enough, long story short, if you would like to talk sometime about the good and bad, to be mutually benficial, hit me up at ers64atx@gmail.com

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rambling is good my friend.

You seem to be overly aware of your symptoms (like most HPPD people), and I think that comes with a measure of realizing what's not "normal" and what should be - something a crazy person would not be able to do. I doubt you are schizo, I've had the exact same problem that you mentioned: the battling back and forth between what seems like "two yous" in your head.

What I think it comes from, is OCD.

Other than that, I haven't ever really talked about HPPD with people other than my parents in the summer (which was more of a built up explosion, rather than a educated discussion).

I don't know how understanding people who don't know what it is, will be. I suppose it makes sense though, they will probably just stigmatize the "drug usage" bit, especially if you are linking it to some lasting neurological problems. I definitely would love to be able to express my frustration more often though, regardless of whether the listener is thinking poorly of my story.

For me, I have come to realize that HPPD has unleashed an already present demon into my world - anxiety.

I always had it in various forms: most prolifically with dealing with girls. It lead to me not even being able to talk to a girl without stammering and fidgeting and feeling like I was about to stop breathing.

Post-HPPD *or...during* it rears itself irregularly in weird ways. If I start to get panicky over homework or an exam, out comes the anxious bug.

I think getting some treatment just for that would probably be a helpful thing (for me).

Anyways, figured I'd reply to indicate that atleast on here, people will read what you write.

(also, not to be a prude, but if you space out your sentences, it's much easier on the eyes - especially if the eyes are already screwy).

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  • 1 month later...

I understand completely friend. I have spent some time wrestling addiction and very much understand that succeeding alone is incredibly rare and quite difficult. Support groups work because of the group itself. Forums can work in the same fashion no matter how rare the disorder is. Moreso than gaggles of people parroting recycled cliches and telling you the multitude of reasons you SHOULD be happy to be alive, it is other sufferers that help the most. Just my humble opinion. I will email you tomorrow and would gladly be available to talk. Therapists and loved ones try, as is the case with substance abuse, but unless you are living it you will never get it and therefore never be able to provide the support a "fellow traveller" can (my best friend is a nueroscientist but has no idea how to help me with substance abuse or HPPD other than to advise that I involve myself with others that grapple with it daily, which I have)....keep your head up and know that (although a bit cliche) you are not at all alone. Somehow I have endured seventeen years in such a state. I only now find some life worth in assisting others....

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